Posts

Showing posts from July, 2008

My Sensational Shiticle Story!

Image
OK, so it's not sensational. I just happen to be a huge fan of alliteration. Anyway, I'd like to thank Meg over at Prefers Her Fantasy Life for helping me learn something new!



Yesterday she made a comment on my post about MILF's and Cougars. She said she doesn't mind the term "MILF" but prefers the term "SILT".

I, of course, had no idea what the hell she was talking about. Not to be out done I went to the online Urban Dictionary, which can be a lifesaver during these kinds of scenarios. I typed "SILT" into their search engine and they returned with "Shiticles".

Now I was really curious! What the hell is a shiticle? Do I have one? Or am I one?? Is it related to the elusive SILT? Can I catch it on a public toilet?



Clearly I had more questions than answers. So I read the definition:

1- Left over particles of feces lingering at the bottom of the toilet, nearly unflushable and as fine as silt.

2- Small particles of shit and or toilet paper…

The MILF vs. The Cougar

Image
A few of months ago I went out with a girlfriend to a bar. Some guy walked up to us and said, "So, just a couple of cougars, out for the night, eh?" I almost punched him in his fat head. A cougar?! What the fuck does that mean? All I know is it doesn't sound entirely complimentary. And I've been wondering about it ever since.

And then there is the MILF. It stands for "Mom I'd Like to Fuck" but it does not mean that if you happen to be a mom, and get some guy to poke you that you're a MILF. No, I think it's generally accepted that if you are a MILF then you are also a Hot Mom. But they can be sweet and committed to their baby daddy's. Which is different from a cougar. Cougars are rarely sweet. They are direct and forthcoming about what they want. And that is directly behind your zipper.

While on vacation a few years ago we met a couple of Canadian guys who were hilarious. One morning at breakfast they were discussing a scandal that had occurred…

My Super Duper Widget Poem

Image
I'm not a girl from Nantuckett.
Regardless, today I'll say 'Fuck It'.

'Cuz I can't figure how
To load my widget now

I'm pretty sure I'm an idget.



I have never written a poem before in my life but was inspired because I cannot for the life of me figure out how the hell to add my "widgets" that will help people vote for me to increase my ranking on Humor-Blogs.

Here is what I want to add to my website:



Isn't it cute?? It is called a widget and is supposed to show up on the bottom of a post to let folks know how many smileys (votes) I've been given. Then, if the reader is so inspired, he or she can click on it to easily cast their vote for or against me.

I've seen other blogs with this and decided I should do it, too. So I went to my handy dandy FAQ page of the HB site and found these directions:



Step one is read the directions. Step two is comprehend the directions. Ahhhh...fucked on step number two. I spent one hour today trying to figure th…

The Russian Revulsion

Image
Several years ago my husband and I were very lucky to be invited on a 16 day cruise through Russia. It began in St. Petersburg, ended in Moscow and was very much the trip on a lifetime. The funny thing about this trip is that we were basically the only couple on board who weren't of retirement age. I guess not every working stiff can just up and leave their day job for three weeks. (SUCKAS...!)

On our second day we were invited on an excursion to Peter House, which was Peter the Great's Summer Palace. It was insanely beautiful and we had an amazing time. Here is a picture of part of the gardens:



Lovely, eh? Yep. It was. We were transported there with 50 of our favorite senior citizens via autobus which worked out pretty well. The seats were comfortable and everyone was happy and excited to be visiting such an interesting place. The tour was wonderful and we all had a great time walking the magical gardens.

On the way home I did what I often do when in any vehicle I'm not driv…

Oooohhh...I just LOVE when you wrap it around me... do it again, please?

Image
I had heard that "crack" kills. I just never really believed it until I saw it with my own eyes.


(Bless his heart.)

About 3 years ago I was 6 months pregnant and had two daughters (aged 4 and 5). We were all traveling from Bellingham, WA to Atlanta, GA with a VERY brief layover in Dallas. We were booked on a major airline that should remain anonymous as they are a bunch of asshats (but they rhyme with "Mamerican Mairlines") and we had to leave for the airport at 3:30 AM in order to catch our 7AM flight. It was Suck City.

By the time our car arrived in Seattle my husband and I were barely speaking to each other and the girls had marks on their faces and arms from the backseat smack-down they had while out of our reach. When I went to the counter to speak with the representative she informed me that even though our seats had been purchased many months ago and seat assignments had been given all of that had changed and we were no longer sitting together as a family.

I too…

Bex Shares - "Why I Sometimes Pee In My Pants"

Image
There are so many blogs that have made me laugh and yet I've done very little to share this love around the blogosphere. Without further ado, here are the best posts from my favorite blogs and a few videos. The best of the best, if you will. Are these all of my favorites?? Nope. Just the tip. Of the iceberg (...perverts...).


The Sneeze!
Right outside of the barn door and I'm going for The Sneeze. This particular series is called "Steve, Don't Eat It" and it made me laugh out loud which, as far as I'm concerned, is the name of the game, Baby.

Redacted!
Here is my favorite post from Dan Murphy. His blog is called redacted and this post describes the day that he and his girlfriend moved from NYC to Miami. Now, for my homies with ADHD, his posts are long but I promise - they're worth it.

The Stinker!
The Stinker is another winner, full of insightful and well-written posts. This post cracks me up EVEN THOUGH I normally avoid anything of a political nature.

15 Minute …

My Marvelous Mammaries

Image
At the risk of increasing my "Weird-O" and "Pervy" visitors ( - love you guys), I was thinking about writing about breastfeeding today. Because nobody ever tells you the Real Deal about this stuff. And that's just wrong.



So. When I was pregnant with my first kid I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'll probably breastfeed her. I mean, I have the hooters and everything, so why not??" Truth be told, I thought that it would be a very natural and beautiful thing that she and I would both embrace with maternal-bondish delight. So imagine my surprise when it HURT like a MOTHER FUCKER.

Every time she would latch on my toes would curl in pain. The lactation consultants were very encouraging in a cheerleader kind of way, "Yes!! That's WONDERFUL! Look at that latch - you're a genius!!!" But I didn't feel like a genius. I felt like a moron who just couldn't get the idea without going to some intensive courses on the matter. And my kid seemed …

A Look at Lurkers

Image
The definition of a "lurker" is someone who regularly reads discussions but rarely (if ever) participates in them. I know that I have my share and, frankly, I'm grateful. I look at my little sitemeter in wonder every time anybody shows up. So welcome, lurkers.

But here is the thing: One of you guys comes here on a regular basis by googling "bex naked". Seriously. What the fuck?! You've already been here. You know that I'm not naked. And if you've read enough of my posts you know that I've had three kids. THREE. As in, not one, not two, but three. And if my kids weren't enough to scare you off I have this ill-regarded tattoo on my arse. [For my blogging homey Alice, I'll admit that it is a tribal sun. (Because I'm so tribal and everything.) Of course I've shared about mine and she hasn't mentioned hers...but that is another story....] So what gives, Lurker??

When My Lurker (yes, that's what I call you) pops in he's direc…

Work That Pole, Baby!!

Image
So you know, I had a poll last week to tip my hat to the devastating breakup up of Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel. SNIFF. OK, I'm totally over it. Anyhoo, for those of you who weren't here for the hilarity, the contest was to find out who had the best synonyms for Sweater Meat and Trouser Snake. And then I got busy kicking my own ass on the GMAT exam, had a few pity parties, then had a few cosmos and now I'm over that. So I can get back to the business of wiping noses and asses, writing blogs and inventing excuses for why the laundry STILL isn't done.

Synonym for Sweater Meat
(although the picture pretty much sums it up)

Not bad, eh? The winner of this poll entered under the name Anonymoose and you guys don't know him. But I do. Biblically, you might say. Yes it is my very own Mr. Bex who entered and won -with a whopping 54.8 majority - with the excellently crude title of "Chesticles". Well played, Sir. You may pick up your prize after you get home from wo…

Hey, Everybody...It's Kick My Own Ass Friday!

Well, well, well. Let's take inventory of the day, shall we?? I earned a low score on the GMAT exam for starters. I needed at least 600 and received the lackluster 540. Granted, it's not the end of the world and it's not like my only option at this point is the Barbizon School of Beauty or anything, but I REALLY thought I'd do better.

In fact, I took a simulation of the exam a week ago and was hungover with only 4 hours of sleep and scored a 580 for crying out loud. So I guess next time I take it I should pull a boozy all-nighter. Why didn't I think of that?!

And then, yesterday I yelled at my 8 year old as I couldn't find the sports cup I'd bought her the day before and was sure that she'd lost it somewhere. This morning I found it, clean and put away, in the kitchen cabinet as I was frantically looking for a coffee mug so that I could hurry up and get to my exam where I would completely tank. How did I know someone actually put it where it belongs???! T…

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the Crudest of us all?

It's a big day here at the Blog of Bex. A BIG day. Today we have not one but TWO polls. How do I do it, you may be wondering to yourselves?? It's easy! I simply ignore my GMAT studying, laundry and kids and dork around on the computer all day! It really is JUST that easy, folks.

Down to business. In honor of the breakup of the lovely Sarah Silverman and the less-so Jimmy Kimmel we are having a crude contest to rename the phrases "Sweater Meat" and "Trouser Snake". Vote for your favorites and I'll post the winners when I get good and ready.



Opinion Polls & Market Research

Opinion Polls & Market Research


More funny blogs can be found at humor-blogs. Laissez l'hilaritie roulez!

That's snot funny....

Image
First of all, don't forget to enter my super duper contest. The winner gets the Crude-alicious Award, which can be very prestigious in some countries. All you have to do is give your most original name for a females chest and a males member. That shouldn't be hard (ba dum CHA)!




OK. Topic du jour: Why are some people so fucking clueless that it stops other people in their tracks?

My husband used to work with a woman who was a receptionist. Her main purpose was to answer the phone and greet visitors who walked through the door. Her telephone etiquette was adequate. But whenever anyone would walk through the door they would see her, stop dead in their tracks and STARE with their jaws hanging open and a look of complete revulsion on their faces.

Did she have two heads? Major face acne? An unbandaged, open wound that was badly infected? No, none of these. Indeed, she was ALWAYS in some part of the process of eating a boiled egg with an equal portion of mayonnaise slathered on it. Wit…

The Hot Girl and the Schlub End Game

Image
You've probably heard the news by now. Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman broke up. What is the world coming to???!

R.I.P.

The morons on the radio were discussing the breakup ad-nauseum this morning and I heard one douche say that Sarah is really hilarious and then douche #2 said that she's not so much funny as she is crude.

I've been thinking about that ever since. She is crude. I can be crude. She made a video talking about how she f*cked (that asterisk is for you, Leigh!) Matt Damon. I would have made that video with him, had he only asked. Sarah and I are practically twins!!!

Anyway, I thought that maybe - in honor of Jimmy and Sarah - I would do a little thing to help us over the rough patch that is sure to happen when our (imaginary) friends breakup. With that I give you...The Crude Quiz!!!

I can feel the buzz in the air...OK, that might be one of my kids crying while I obsess over this. AT ANY RATE:

What is the best, most original synonym for one or both of the following p…

Put your hands up in the air...wave em round like you just don't care...

Image
Many years ago, when Thing One was around two years old, we had a very scary incident. I had put her down for a nap and was trying to get some stuff done around the house. The hallway where our bedrooms are has a few creaky spots and the loudest spot is right outside of the kids bedroom. Through the years I've learned where they are and can, when necessary, avoid them by carefully stepping around them.

I needed to go to the other side of the house so I limbered up and began my Twister-esque maneuver to prevent squeaking the spot. I was getting ready to tip toe by her closed door and was VERY focused on not waking her up. As I was creeping by something caught my eye on the floor, so I looked down. There was an arm laying there. And we're not talking about a Barbie part, either. It was just like a real arm that should have been attached to a real body. I stopped in my tracks, startled by it. Suddenly - the fingers jumped and began wiggling! I screamed and somehow threw myself bac…

What is brown, white and read all over?

Thing One, my eight year old, is an excellent reader. When she reads she gets really into the story and sometimes it is difficult to get her attention. This morning I was trying to get the girls ready for summer camp and couldn't find them. I finally saw the light on under the bathroom door and barged in and said, "What the hell are you guys doing?? You're going to be late! "

Thing One answered in her best smart ass voice, "Well, Mother..., my sister is applying sunscreen to her face - as you requested, I might add - and I am taking a huge poopie and while I'm waiting for it I'm simply reading my book - aloud to my sister." The implication was that they were all pure, innocent and therefore beyond reproach and I am simply an annoying and sometimes borderline-psychotic maternal figure who is irrationally pissed off that I walked in to find them being focused on something reasonable.

This is when I noticed the thumb. There was a huge wad of crap on it. …

Dunkin Donuts, Back at Ya

Image
I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???!

So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I know what you are thinking...WHY??! We very anxiously wanted to travel for a little bit of more pain - AKA my 20th High School reunion. Maybe more on that later...

As if this all weren't bad enough, my husband and I had been to a party the night before and I had just the slightest headache. So I needed coffee and like all reasonable people I went to the Dunkin Donuts because their coffee is THE BEST coffee anywhere! Starbucks can kiss my lilly white! But I digress...

So I get in the lin…

Click, Click, Clickety CLICK!

Image
This morning I was driving my girls to camp and was looking for a song that doesn't suck on the radio, which is apparently not as easy as it sounds. I hit the "scan" button on my radio and waited for something good. It sounded a little something like this:

CLICK

Oh, we are so wild and wacky!! Tune in tomorrow where we will create a very dramatic situation by having a contest to win a Vespa. All you have to do to win is be the 5000th caller and then sit in a VW bug with 10 stinky strangers for weeks at a time until you're the last one left! It's just that easy folks!

As for today, hold onto your hats because it is CRANK CALL Thursday, ya'll! Wheeeeeeee!!! Hey, Turd Boy, THIS time you have to call a restaurant and ask them if their refrigerator is running. Oh my heavens, Silly Sara, you are such a riot!! We are the Worlds Favorite Morning Show and we are SO funny, it's not EVEN funny!

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA......!!!

CLICK

Welcome to the Super, Duper Sports Channel w…

And The Winner Is...

Image
I have some very exciting news. For the first time ever the Blog of Bex is giving out an award. Yes, I know. I can feel my heart pounding, too.

I will call it the Bite My Ass Award (BMAA) and I'm sure it will be coveted.

Now you might be wondering just who will be the lucky recipient. Could it be Diesel, the mastermind of Humor-Blogs and Mattress Police, who - for reasons unknown to me - revamped the scoring system and and reset my score to zero? Nope. This action has actually mysteriously seemed to work in my favor. I'm sure it's temporary.

ANYWAY, on to the big news.

I hereby give my BMAA to this guy:



Handsome little fucker, isn't he? His name is James Jackson, IV and his friends call him Jay. I like to call him Fucktard because I believe that your name should say something about the kind of guy you are.

And he's a total fucktard.

What, you may wonder, did he do to generate such ire from me? Well I'm so glad you asked. He owns two boutiques in suburban Atlanta (Hip …

We need a tent over here STAT!

Image
Good news, FEMA! There is a new Designated Jackass in town. And it's called the US Food and Drug Administration.




In fact, I am starting to wonder if the FDA doesn't share office space with the clown school from Ringling Brothers Circus. And maybe, from time-to-time, their employees cross over. You know, the clowns might get tired of all of that makeup, giant shoes and red rubber noses. So they'd think, "You know, this job kind of sucks. Maybe I'll try on the US FDA gig for a while."

And the FDA guys would think, "Man. Those clowns have it made in the shade. I can't think of anything I'd love to do more than to cram into a 1964 VW Beetle with 28 of my favorite guys. I think I'll paint my face and sneak over to their staff meeting so that I can avoid doing the bullshit work over here."

This would explain the cracker jack response we've had to the Salmonella outbreak that has sickened almost 1,000 people in the USA. It started off with:

OH …

Uptown Girls, down - Ho's, up

Image
I just read an interesting article regarding the divorce of Christie Brinkley and some dude I've never heard of before. So I went online and did some research where I found the following picture:



Is it me or does it look like she's practically sitting on a shard of glass?? AND as if that weren't bad enough the string up her ass is off center (it's a smidge to the left). I wonder how long it took her to sit down whilst not taking a sea shell up the kiester. And the expression on her face doesn't look sexy to me. She actually looks like she's on Xanax. And I wonder how long it took her to get the sand out of her hoo hah. My guess is that she still has a few kernels in there.

Her soon to be ex's name is Peter Cook, whose lawyer was quoted as saying that Christie was "absolutely furious and wants to get even." Now my interest was piqued - why was America's favorite Uptown Girl so pissed off? Well, it looks like he had an affair with a high school se…

Les Grenouilles

Image
I was just wondering what act of total desperation caused someone to be the first guy to try eating frog legs. How hungry would you have to be?? A cow I get - it's a huge wad of meat, easy to catch and kill, etc. But a frog? They are fast hoppers and have approximately 0.25 ounces of meat on them.



I imagine a French guy sitting on his porch, pondering his next meal. He's already eaten his cow and his horse. BORING. Beautifully crafted artisan cheeses also cause him to yawn. He would have thought to himself, "Hmmm. Zis life is zo boring...I need zomething that makes me zay oohhh, la la! But what?? I've eaten zee rabbit, zee duck and zee chickens. Surely there is zomething around here...."

And then a frog goes bouncing by and the rest, as they say, is history.

Every time you click here a frog gets a prosthetic. Really! I looked it up on snopes....



Humor-blogs.com