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Showing posts from November, 2008

Light a match!

You know, people are getting so touchy these days. I just read this news story about a THIRTEEN year old kid who got arrested.

When I saw the headline I thought, "Man, this country is going to hell in a hand basket. What did this criminal mastermind DO, anyway?? Did he steal a car? Get his moms attention by throwing a cleaver at her head? Sexually assault his little sibling??"

Noooo....

No, this kid farted in school. And then got arrested. Apparently I went to school with a bunch of felons and didn't even know it.

Besides, have you seen what they feed these kids in school lunchrooms?? And "The Man" is going to blame intestinal distress on HIM??!

Let's file this under "Give Me A Fucking Break, Please."

The teacher said that he was purposefully farting and therefore disrupting the class. Plus? This little fucker turned off a few computers that his friends were working on.

I think it would be far more incredible if you could find me a 13 year old who doesn&…

Every woman's dream - a homemade MacGyver vibrator (with the optional mullet attachment)

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This picture will make sense in a minute. But before we get started, can you get a load of that mullet?! Sweet niblets! Anyway....

My white carpet needs to be cleaned. So I bought some oxy stain remover, rented a carpet steamer and went to work. It worked pretty well but there was a suspected mold stain that didn't come out so I googled "how to get mold out of carpet".

One of Googles suggestions was a link to a website called FunAdvice.com so I checked it out. And that's when I saw it; one of the categories at the bottom of the page invited me to learn how to make a homemade vibrator. A...wha...???

Being the amateur scientist that I am, I felt obligated to check it out. You know, for sciences sake (and maybe a little bit because my husband is out of town).

Apparently MacGyvers lesser educated sister uses this website because I saw the following post:
did you ever get to make this home made vibrator? We are considering this. I love my mans shape of his pen*s. He wants to m…

Where the hell have YOU been?!

One of my three remaining readers pointed out to me that my blog posting has become irregular. Blogging is such a strange way to spend ones time. There is a whole inner colony of blogging pals who basically make alliances with each other. These groups read each others posts, leave comments and then try to help elevate each others work. This can be done at a place like humor-blogs.com, where I have asked (with lukewarm response, I might add) people to go and click a smiley emoticon.

I have also seen blogs asking for you to "Stumble" this! or "Digg" this! I have no fucking clue what that stuff is. (Really, I don't. What does it mean? Do I need it? Does it feel good? Should I do it? What the fuck does it DO???)

My point is, the alliance only works if you participate in it. Once you stop reading others you'll find that you've been dropped like a bad habit (and let's face it...I probably am a bad habit).

Anyway, here is a brief synopsis of why I have flaked…

You can roll a roto to your friend....

One day, when my first kid was about six months old, she puked. I totally freaked out because I was a first time parent and, well, that's just what we do. I took her immediately to the doctors where she and I sat in the full waiting room and took stock of the all of the germ filled, snotty nosed kids with horror. This place was like a giant petri dish, just waiting to dole out the plague.

Suddenly I felt like I had been hit in the face with a shovel - someone had taken a crap that made frat boy beer shits seem tame. My nose was like, "Fuck it, Dude - I'm outta here." and quit working for the rest of the day, forcing me to sound like Darth Vader with my heavy mouth breathing.

It was unbelievable. Even though I could tell that it wasn't our brand, I checked my kids diaper to prove (to myself and every other mom in the room) that we had not produced it.

To my amazement nobody took their kid for a diaper change. There was a heavy green fog just hanging in the air. Final…

Whose yo Momma???

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Dear Madonna:

When you are playing a guitar and singing in a black bikini, army boots and a white top hat while standing next to a fully clothed Britney Spears, you look ridiculous. Just thought you'd want to know.

I'm glad we had this little talk. I actually feel much better now.



I saw Madonna in concert when I was 14 or so. I am now FORTY. When is it going to stop? She's going to end up dry humping the stage in her 60's making her look like this poor lady.



Bless her heart. Also? My eyes are bleeding.

WTF News. (Ribbed for her pleasure...)

This past Saturday a man in Michigan was walking in the woods with his three year old son. Sounds innocent enough, right?

But then the toddler tripped and fell. During his fall he "somehow" managed to bust a cap in his dads chest.

The good news: the Dad, although he suffered a punctured lung, is out of surgery and is going to be ok. The bad news: he's always going to have to keep an eye on this little guy.

Is it me or does it sound like there might just be a little bit more to this story? Because if there isn't then it means that some jackass let a three year old carry a loaded and unlocked gun through the forest.

Well, on second thought, if you were stupid enough to do that you probably have rightfully earned your way onto the Darwin Awards. But I guess you'll have to settle for an Honorable Mention. Enjoy it, Big Guy!

Vote or die?? Hmm. You're going to have to give me a minute to think about it....

I would like to know WHO, exactly, is the ass clown who decided that kids shouldn't go to school on election days. Don't get me wrong -- I relish the opportunity to stand in line for hours while my three little kids run around the place, banging pots and pans over their heads while screaming, "OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA!" as much as the next girl. Yep, this is going to be super awesome.

The only thing that could make it worse is if they found a way to make me bring the dog.

I just hope that I don't have to wait between any rabid voters. These people drive me bat shit crazy. You know who I'm talking about. They believe SO deeply in their guy that he becomes a Messiah to them which, of course, makes the other guy the Antichrist. These are the people who are incapable of debating any real issue. They just begin foaming at the mouth and talking louder and louder until spittle comes springing out of their mouths. You know that they are approaching something that resembles a…