Showing posts from April, 2008

The Camel Toe (and other crimes against nature)

There are few things in this world that I just completely loathe. Snakes are at the top of the list. As is the piece of gristle I always seem to find when eating hotdogs and hamburgers (what the fuck is that thing anyway?! A knuckle?? A nipple?? A ::gulp:: toe nail or something??! WAIT. Don't tell me. I can't handle the truth.).

But just as offensive as the above has to be the dreaded camel toe. For my mother (and any other readers who don't know about this phenomenon) I will explain. Here is what the toe of a camel looks like:

A camel toe is found on women who have their pants crammed impossibly up their hoohah's and there is a visible crack. You can clearly see the outline of their junk. You may even, dependent on a good light source, be able to screen for genital warts and other physical abnormalities. (Note: my husband said that this was too gross to print. But I did it anyway. I've always been an ass when it comes to that kind of stuff. I really have no idea why…

And the winner is...

I know you've probably had trouble focusing on all of your other very important work while waiting to hear WTF this is:

I was planning on having a poll to determine the winner but the fact is one of you knew exactly WTF this thing is. Color me surprised! Besides, figuring out how to use the poll creator software would have taken me forever. So, without further ado, let's give a big hand to Alice of Honey Pie Blog fame! If you have a second go check out her blog...she's a funny lady!

OH! I almost forgot - the winning answer. Smarty pants Alice knew that this is a Bush Baby and it was probably saying, "If I have to lie, steal, cheat or God is my witness, I'll never blink again."

All I know is that this fucker is haunting my dreams.

Kudos, Home Girl!!! Way to know your rodent-esque mammals!

Feed to humor-blogs
OK, kids, one more day to enter my inaugural contest which is tentatively called, WTF is that???!

Click here to enter:

Let's close it by end of day Tuesday, shall we? Good luck!

Feed to humor-blogs.


I have a challenge for you. It's a little game I like to call WTF is that?!

So take a look and then let me know WTF you think it is and WTF you think it is saying/thinking. Because I really want to know. I also want to know if it bites or if it just stares at you with its hypnotic yellow stare until your brains squeeze out of your ears.

The winner of this contest (yes, it's officially become a contest since I wrote the last paragraph) will get (more of) my undying adulation. Not to mention NOTORIETY, which is pretty super awesome. And did I mention the adulation??

Humor-blogs! Don't go to the light! We need

PS Mom - if you are reading this WTF=what the fuck. Just thought you should know that to appreciate the essence of this particular blog post. It is, after all, important stuff we're working on here.

PPS Here is a little something that may, or may not, be related to the creature above:

I've said it once and I'll say it again - …

Hoping for a Housekeeper

I don't have a housekeeper which is unfortunate as I suck at cleaning stuff. And this is why I live vicariously through my friends and neighbors housekeeping experiences. And as soon as someone comes to my blog and spends millions on my link then I'll be able to afford somebody. Ooops. Does that make me sound bitter??? Cuz I'm not. Just click on my humor-blogs link to nowhere and I'll be happy.

Anyway, on to today's topic. There is one lady who cleans for the majority of the neighborhood. She's from Brazil and doesn't speak any English.

The funny thing is that she doesn't speak any Spanish, either. She speaks Portuguese, which is what most people from her country speak. But some folks in my hood just seems to ignore that fact and continue to speak to her in either broken high school Spanish or in slow English that is this loud.

It must kind of suck to be so misunderstood. It's bad enough that scraping your husbands errant urine off of the to…

Et tu, Cesar?

Cesar. If you are listening, I would like to offer my most humble apologies. I did not intend to moon you. After all, I barely know you. And I gave up mooning virtual strangers months ago.

Why did I do it???! I have no idea. Here is what happened: Cesar is a handsome Latino who speaks little English. He came by yesterday to look at our basement so that he could prepare an estimate to finish it.

This afternoon I had to go tee tee and was therefore - as I do sometimes - sitting on the toilet. My cell phone began ringing in the kitchen and as my husband has been sick I did a quickie wipe and then ran out of the bathroom to retrieve to phone to ensure that the husband hadn't passed out or something. My pants were somewhere between my knee's and ankles.

It wasn't the hubs. It was Cesar. Who was at my house. Outside my front door. In eye shot of the potty from which I fled, pantsless. It's nice to meet you, too. Thank you for hand delivering your proposal and for calling me to …

The Day in Review

Things that suck about today:

Husband has influenza. And, according to him, nobody has ever been sicker.
Dog is still bleeding from her tutu. Having a dog in heat is HIGHLY overrated.
Both daughters cannot find their sneakers. Seriously - what are the odds??
Son is still two years old (and therefore having tantrums in every public forum we forage into).
Hubs and I are both on a diet. He's lost 14 pounds. Me? 6. (that mother fucker)

Things that don't suck about today:

I don't have influenza. Yet.
My kids aren't sick. Yet.
It is a beautiful day in Atlanta. is back up! Woo Hoo!

There you have it, folks. The Monday afternoon, pre-cocktail update. Cheers!

Go with the flow...

I have some very interesting news. It's kind of gross. And if you are married to me you don't want to know the following information. So kindly go click elsewhere (but remember that we're having steak and martini's tonight - so don't forget to come home!).

Guess who got her very first period???

Can you guess? You know it isn't me.... But I have two daughters, right? Could it be one of them???'s THE FUCKING DOG.

She's not a baby anymore....

What a cruel, cruel joke. I have three little kids and I saw little spatters of blood throughout my house. I began freaking out and looking for cut off fingers in the corners of the house and under the sofa to no avail. Further, I couldn't find the bleeder and nobody was crying. Then Honey (or, as she'll be known from now on - THE FUCKING DOG, or TFD for short) walks by me leaving little plops of blood in her wake. Fan-fucking-tastic.

So the girls start freaking out and I explained to them what it means …

Other People's Kids

I've never been a huge fan of other peoples kids (OPK). I guess I'm just an ass that way. Other women talk about their biological clock going off whenever there is an infant around. I must be a mutant as I am most definitely missing THAT gene. (Thankfully.) So when you've just had a baby and you want ME to hold the baby and I say "No, thanks" I'm not just being polite. I really don't want to hold the baby. I'll do it if you need to go cop a squat on the can or something, but I'm not dying to hold your kid. Nothing personal.

Today I took Thing Three to check out a preschool in my area. He's two now and I think it's about time he learn how to search and destroy in someone else's shit for a while. We were on The Tour when I noticed two little girls sitting primly on their little carpets. I didn't like them already. They had hair bows like this:

I had the urge to tap them on shoulder and say, "Hey. Nellie Olson called from Little Ho…

I AM The Spud Queen

I love cooking dinner for family and friends so we tend to have a lot of dinner parties. It's funny, though, how sometimes things go unexpectedly wrong. Many moons ago we had invited Wayne and Melinda over for dinner. I had prepared steaks and twice baked potatoes and Wayne had just said how delicious everything tasted. He was about half way done with his spud and taking another bite when all of a sudden there was a CRUNCH about THIS big. Needless to say, conversation came to a screeching halt.

We all stared at him in shock. His face seemed similarly surprised and his jaws had quit moving. He very slowly began taking inventory of his teeth with his tongue. Eventually he pursed his lips together and very slowly (and with great apprehension on my part) produced a stone from his mouth. Everyone at the table stared expectantly at me so I began stammering, "....what did THAT get in there??" (Cue the awkward silence as everyone spent some time thinking about w…

You funny, funny little tax man!

Those IRS guys are just SO funny. Truly hilarious. Stop sides are killing me.... At least I assume that they are joking. I mean, they MUST be joking. They don't really think that after SUFFERING for hours to fill out their ridiculously complicated forms that I'm just dying to give my three dollars to the friggin' Presidential Election Campaign. Right?? RIGHT??!

And am I crazy or would they use this money to do what I DEPLORE, which is run back-to-back advertisements when I'm trying to watch TV and then have recorded messages call my house when I'm doing something really important (like writing this blog)?

Does anybody give money to this? It must be the IRS' extremely feeble attempt at cracking a joke to ease me into the realization that I just paid a shit load of money for my kids to go to the World Famous Georgia Public School System where the motto is, "We're 49th! We're not the worst in the country! Yee haw, ya'll!"

So here is a li…

The Truth About Balls

I happen to be a big fan of vasectomy's. In fact the only issue I see with them is that not enough people get them. Even worse is the problem that the guys who do get them are the ones who have good, strong qualities that are worthy of being passed down to future generations. The other guys - you know the ones I mean - propagate their species like there is no tomorrow and produce legions of lazy, abusive and, far worse, unattractive children.

My point is, men who step up to the plate and get a vasectomy are heroic. Really. And I've become a little bit fixated on the matter ever since one of my friends told me about his experience. He said that he was led into a FREEZING examination room. (That just seems mean, doesn't it?) He was a little bit nervous and sat there twiddling his thumbs. Eventually a very large female nurse came in and invited him to remove his pants and underwear. He was instructed to sit on a METAL table in the cold room - pantsless. Here is where the weir…

That Thong Thing

I'm not sure why but this morning I wore thong underwear. Don't worry, I didn't get another tattoo like I did HERE. It might have had something to do with my Laundry Situation which involves all of my clothing being anywhere in the house EXCEPT folded and in my room. But that's another story.

Back to thongs. Wearing one got me wondering about the first person to invent the thong. I imagine a woman sitting on her bed, admiring her favorite underwear. She'd be thinking, "These are almost perfect. But they restrict my outer ass TOO much. that I'm thinking about it I'd like to have my inner ass MORE restricted. In fact I'd like to have the underwear material actually mashed up against my sphincter muscle. That would be PERFECT."

And here we are, centuries later. I wonder if this woman could have envisioned the legions of women who dutifully shove lycra up their butts due to her invention. Strippers, sunbathers, Fat Grannies who have NO bus…

Toilet Tendencies

My kids believe that I am omnipotent. And to be honest I don't have a problem with their misconception. I find it to be helpful in many cases. Here is an example of my power - I can walk into any bathroom in my home and tell who the last kid in there was.

I know what you're thinking...HOW do I DO it??? I'm going to break my code of silence and tell you my secrets.

OK. Here goes:

If it was Thing One I'll know it was her as the toilet will not be flushed and there will be enough toilet paper on top of the water to create a nest for Big Bird.

I think the "H" stands for "HEY! Why don't you try FLUSHING that fucker?!"

If Thing Two was the last one in the bathroom there will be yellow water and an impressively sized dump in it. No toilet paper whatsoever. She's not a flusher either, for the record. I guess she could be using toilet paper like this...

...but I can also go into the laundry room at any given time and easily point out which panties she has …