Showing posts from August, 2008

Darwin vs. Gustav: It's a Real Nail-Biter

Three years ago, before Katrina hit the Gulf states, the local government called for a mandatory evacuation. They begged people to flee. And many did go. Yet there were also many who stayed. There was a horrible storm. The levees failed and the region flooded. And then, when the local, regional and national government proved to have their collective heads up their collective asses, the folks who had chosen to stay in their homes seemed mystified that they hadn't yet been saved.

I grew up in South Florida so I know how this shit works. You cannot be on or near the coast when big hurricanes comes. Well, you can, but you risk drowning or getting hit on the head with something big. Like the roof of your house. Maybe I'm just a genius, but this seems very obvious to me. If you live in New Orleans then you live BELOW sea level. A large storm (that has already killed more than eighty human beings) is approaching and it could be pushing along a wall of water that is 15-20 feet ABOVE se…

Bend Over and Grab Your Ankles, Kids. Your School Board Is "Affecting Change" Again

You know, it's almost funny. But sometimes the state of affairs in the Georgia education system is INSANE. We are ranked 49th out of the 50 states. My kids attend public schools here and I only have glowing compliments to the schools and teachers. But the SYSTEM. It's nuts. And, frankly, I blame the school boards of Metropolitan Atlanta.

Not long ago the Cobb County School Board was sued because they had (without seeking approval) placed stickers in biology books stating that the process of Evolution is not a fact. The Christian Right was, of course, at the heart of this issue, arguing that their views should be introduced somehow into our curriculum. WHATEVER, Jackasses. All I know is that this whole experience has made me consider that there might be an almighty power who is indeed called The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Once the news of Cobb County hit the AP wires all hell broke loose. My relatives across the frigging GLOBE shot me emails asking, "WTF?!" What the fuck…

Bad Boy, Charlie. No, NO!

Why does this man continue to marry and breed?? He has a 25 year old daughter from his ex Paula Profit, 2 girls from his ex Denise Richards and now, apparently, another on the way from future-ex Brooke Mueller (btw, she's not, by any chance THE Pasta Princess of Mueller fame, is she???)

How does he even talk these women into walking down the aisle?? Don't they have girlfriends?! You know, real friends who will say, "Oh, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke! What the fuck are you doing? He likes you, there is no doubt about that. But he LOVES coke and hookers. Ask anyone! Even my Great Aunt Suzie knows that."

This is the kind of guy you party with. Go to Vegas with him. Have a nasty three-way with him and a 17 year old model at a coke fueled rave. But marry him? No thanks.

And how did she even get pregnant? Normally when you get married you don't have to worry about condoms for protection against STD's. But this rule doesn't apply to someone like Charlie Sheen. Nope, he&#…

Dancing Donkeys

Looks like Grandma might have had a little drinky before the convention got started....

I think that pretty much every politician is stupid, a piece of shit or, worse, a stupid piece of shit. Every single time I cast a vote it is with a heavy heart, trying to figure out who is least likely to really fuck up the country.

So needless to say I don't really follow the Democrat and Republican National Conventions. And when I do watch it it's only to see which old white guy is trying to boogie it up to a song that he secretly loathes but feels like he needs to dance to it anyway to appear relevant to younger generations.

Last night, as I was switching channels, trying to find something good on, I caught a glimpse of Senator Joe Biden at the DNC getting funky in his seat (bless his heart). His little pink head was flushed and sweaty with the excitement it all. And Lenny Kravitz, if he was watching, will probably never play that song again.

I was hooked, watching all of the politico-wa…

The TSA: Not Just Another Ineffective Government Run Agency

Well, well, well. What do we have HERE???

So I'm back home. Last night we flew from Portland to Atlanta and BOY are my arms tired.... (I can't believe I just typed that.)

Anyway, I noticed something along the way, at the airport specifically, and feel the need to comment. There is something inherently fucked up about airline security. (Oh yah, I'm going there.) Here is the thing - I want to believe in the TSA. I really do. Further, I definitely do not want to be in a plane that is blown up or crashed. And for these desires I am willing to put up with all sorts of absurdities, such as:

- waiting in the long and serpentine security line with my squirmy 2 year old.

- worrying so much about whether or not they were going to take my kids sippy cup of milk away that I began to have an upset stomach.

- frantically digging through my Mary Poppins bag in search of my lip gloss to make sure it is less than three ounces so "they" won't make me throw it away. (It's MAC li…

Porno Lips By Day, Farm Girl By Night

Can you guys keep a secret? I'm not actually at home. SSSHHHHHH!!!!

My dad lives in the Pacific Northwest (aka B.F.E.) and had one of his knees replaced this week. So I sent my daughters to school, stocked the fridge for them and the hubs and then my 2 year old boy and I hopped on a plane from Atlanta. A FIVE hour flight. We sat next to some poor girl who will probably keep taking birth control pills until she's 90 after her experiences with us.

But, we made it, the operation went great and Pops is coming home in the morning. As for me, I have been caring for actual livestock. As in a boy PLUS hens and roosters, thank you very much. I've been checking the crops (blueberries, yes; tomatoes, not quite yet) and making sure that the cat gets her food in the morning.

There are a couple dozen baby chickens running around and I have to make sure that they get enough to eat because the lardo hens bulldoze them over to get what looks like cat litter that I throw in their general dire…

Dry and Hacking, Shoulders Slacking

Sometimes, when I get sick, I get a dry, hacking cough. It is - how do you say in your language - tres sexy. On more than one occasion this has happened and someone I don't know well has offered me a cough drop. When you have a dry, hacking cough you are at the mercy of others. Your eyes water mercilessly so you can't see anything. And you obviously can't talk, what with all the dry hacking. So you blindly nod your head.

Inevitably your "savior" will hand you something from the dark and wet recesses of their handbag. It will be partially unwrapped with a chunk missing. And let's not forget all of the hair and bits of crap stuck to it. Suddenly it looks like a lint brush that is four inches wide. Your head pulls back in fear as it is being passed towards your face.

What to do? WHAT TO DO??? Wipe it on your sleeve? Blow on it?? Throw it and run away?!

The irony is that everyone in the room is horribly annoyed by you and your dry hacking. They stare at you expecta…

Who's yo Momma???

I took down my story because it looks like the poor little guy isn't going to make it. :(((

Crisis in Georgia

So I live in Georgia. Did you even know that? What's more is I had Russians living in my house until this very morning. Naturally when CNN announced that Russia had invaded Georgia I thought, "No shit. They've been here since May. What's the big whoop??"

Then I realized that Georgia, in addition to being the poster child for childhood obesity, has a country underneath Russia named after it. So I relaxed a bit.

And that's when I heard the REAL news. Two men said that they found a deceased Big Foot in the mountains of Georgia. So they did what any reasonable person would do - stuffed it in a freezer and then drove it across the country, all the way to California. find a 500 pound dead animal who strongly resembles a human being. And then you get back in your truck, go home and get a deep freezer. First, of course, you'd have to remove all of your frozen redneck food. Then you and a buddy (who is undoubtedly called "Shane") load the e…

It's The Tori Horror Show!!!

I try not to be too mean here on the Blog of Bex; I would never want to write something that would be hurtful to another. But sometimes...that gets a bit hard. Particularly when I go to the doctor's office and pick up a People magazine to catch up on my celebrity stuff. I would NEVER actually purchase this magazine because that would make a statement about me that I'm not yet ready to embrace. But when I go to the doctors office I will knock over a geriatric to sift through piles of National Geographics in order to dig up any copy of People I can get my little hands on. In fact, it's a safe bet that if ever say anything about a celebrity I've been to the doctor within the past few days. Just a little Bex Factoid.

ANYWAY...I think that maybe someone slipped me some crazy pills or something. Because I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why Tori Spelling is still around and somewhat famous.

I used to know who she was because she was on that show, 90210. I actually felt …

Pregnancy Pacts (and other GREAT Ideas)

The scene: Gloucester High School Algebra class in Massachusetts about one year ago. Two girls are supposed to be learning math but are instead frantically texting each other.

Girl 1 - My mom is such a stupid bitch.

Girl 2 - Mine, too. She has no idea how hard it is to be a kid.

Girl 1 - None of them do. OMG!! I got a great idea!!

Girl 2 - omg...what??

Girl 1 - We should totally play a joke on our parents and school!

Girl 2 - omg...omg...LOLOLOL...i'm IN. What should we do?

Girl 1 - Let's all get pregnant, like, at the same time!

Girl 2 - ...........O.M.G. .....That would be, like, too funny!

Girl 1 - Sweet. Tell everyone, K?

Girl 2 - K!!!

Flash forward about 6 months. Two boys are sitting in Algebra class, supposedly learning math. Instead they are frantically texting each other.

Boy 1 - WTF is up with the girls at this school?

Boy 2 - Huh? You mean cuz they are all so easy?

Boy 1 - No! I mean cuz they are all fat and stuff.

Boy 2 - But they're easy. As in will totally do IT.

Boy 1 - May…

Forgive Me Father, Cuz I Totally Just Sinned

Let's file this under "Give Me A Fucking Break" shall we?

The Catholic Archdiocese in Cincinnati just produced a list of things that their priests are no longer allowed to do with children. They are NOT allowed to kiss, wrestle or tickle kids. Also on the "no-no" list are bear hugs and piggy-back rides. Are these not a bit...self-evident? Seriously, are there really piggy-back giving priests out there who aren't out to get in your pants?? My hubs grew up Catholic...maybe I'll ask him. He was, in fact, an alter boy AND a boy scout and managed to get out with his corn hole intact. So I guess there is hope.

But I think they might have forgotten to add a little something called "MOLESTATION" to their list. Because, if memory serves, tickling kids is still legal in most states. As is a friendly peck on the cheek. But putting your hand down a kids pants...NOPE. Not ok, not even a little bit.

I also noticed that this list only defines appropriate beha…

First Day of School Recap

6:15 My alarm went off.

6:16 Told myself that I'd just close my eyes, for only a second, then I'd go wake up the girls (who are 7 and 8).

6:26 Wake up with a start, realize that I almost enabled the whole family to oversleep the first day of school.

6:27 Called self a jackassing moron on way into girls room.

6:28 Attempted to wake girls up with hugs and kisses.

6:31 Resorted to angry threats and kicking the bed.

6:35 Went downstairs, poured cereal into bowl, got two spoons, realized we're out of milk.

6:36 Called self a jackassing moron again as I realized I had to actually cook something.

6:40 Girls casually mention that they failed to do the homework they were given at the schools open house.

6:42 Girls scramble, as they try to fulfill their assignments in 5 minutes or less.

6:45 Eggs are ready, girls began eating. Very S L O W L Y, almost as if they can feel my blood pressure rising and are taunting me.

6:55 Food is gone, girls go to brush their teeth so they don't have kitten…

Coming Soon to a Jerry Springer Show Near You...

So. About my two year old boy. He loves to wrestle. But he calls it "fight". As in, "Momma! Wanna fight???" He's my first and only boy so I'm not sure but I keep telling myself that this is normal behavior, given species and gender.

The issue is that he cannot pronounce the "_ight" in "fight". And as many kids do, he has substituted a noise that he can pronounce easily.

His favorite words, thus far are: Truck, Duck, Muck, Stuck and Yuck. He has the "uck" phonics down and speaks them with impressive clarity.

So I guess it should come as a surprise to nobody that he has used that sound to replace the ones he cannot pronounce. Yes, gentle readers, this means that he says "fuck" instead of "fight".

And this is why, to all of you giant, judging assholes giving me weird looks in the mall this morning, that I had a two year old chasing me around screaming, "Momma!! Momma!! Wanna FUCK?? Let's FUCK! Please, Mom…

My Zoo Report

Yesterday morning I had a wild hair and decided to go to the zoo with my three kids and one of their friends, which would make my 'me to child' ratio 1:4. One of my biggest fears is to be in this kind of situation and lose a kid or two so on the drive there I gave them my "if you can't see me, I can't see you, which means the next time I do see you I'm gonna smack your ass. So don't get lost!" speech.

After that there was a deafening silence in the backseat and so I decided to break the ice with a lecture on the majestic animals that we would be seeing shortly. The King of the Jungle. The Noble Gorilla. We're gonna do it all, Baby!

The first thing you see at Zoo Atlanta are the fascinating flamingos. Interestingly enough, the first thing you smell is flamingo fecal matter. There was a lot of dramatic plugging of noses and gagging noises from my brood. I have to admit that I showed uncharacteristic restraint by not chiming in with a request that some…

I have something warm for the hairy fairy...

You know what I did tonight??

Let me break it on down for you:

The 3 lovely Russians who live (temporarily) in my basement went to bed about 2 hours ago. My husband went to bed an hour and half ago. And then half an hour later I stuffed a dollar bill into my own cleavage and then began surfing blogs. And that's where I still am at this moment. Surfing, dollar bill peeking out.

As for the blogs, I went on a sort of a stalking tour. I checked out the website of Just A Girl which is funny in and of itself. But that wasn't enough to satisfy me. NO! I needed more! So I went trolling around on her blogroll for shits and giggles. And that's exactly what I found! Nice job, JAG! You have some winners on the old roll! Thanks for sharing!!!

As for the dollar bill, my eight year old lost yet another tooth. I've already forgotten the tooth fairy thing twice this year and I'm afraid that she wouldn't fall again for the "Well, maybe the Tooth Fairy couldn't find your pil…

It's a brand new ME!!!

My daughters are fighting (school starts one week from today - bring that shit ON!). My 2 year old boy got into the pistachios last night and has been churning out rancid chunky peanut butter into his diaper all morning long (please stop bringing that shit on). It's that time of the month and my stomach is cramping. Today is Monday or, as I like to call it under my breath, "Mother Fucking Monday Fucking Laundry Day".

But through it all I feel really good today. In fact, I feel down right sexy. Know why?? Because a Blogging Goddess has made me my very own BANNER. It's that sassy thing up top with the neon and lips I'd love to have. Last week, I was a plain Jane with my beige and brown understated blogging template. This week - I am pink and shiny, standing proudly with my low-cut sweater on. Every time a man walks by I wink, make a little click noise with my tongue and say, "How you doin'??".

Just who is this Blogging Goddess, you might be wondering? I…

Spam Gate, 2008

Oooohhh...I love it when my title rhymes! So my blog was shut down by for a while. Every time I told a friend or family member this they said some version of the same thing, "Oh yeah? Is it because you're so dirty / profane / vulgar / much of a filthy whore??"

At first I thought it was funny. Then I was like, "Hey...I'm not that bad... just the occasional "F" bomb, nothing too major...." And yes, for a while there I did have an unintended fecal theme. But nothing that the FBI is going to kick my front door in for. Why is it nobody thought it was such a reach that some authority figure would shut down the little ole Blog of Bex???!
Anyhoo, some guy named Brett at Blogger sent me a notice letting me know that they had had a global system problem and that many innocent (more or less) blogs such as mine got taken down. So there you go.

But on to the BIG News! My home girl Leigh, at the world famous LeighOnline, has made me a banner thingy!!! …