We need a tent over here STAT!

Good news, FEMA! There is a new Designated Jackass in town. And it's called the US Food and Drug Administration.

In fact, I am starting to wonder if the FDA doesn't share office space with the clown school from Ringling Brothers Circus. And maybe, from time-to-time, their employees cross over. You know, the clowns might get tired of all of that makeup, giant shoes and red rubber noses. So they'd think, "You know, this job kind of sucks. Maybe I'll try on the US FDA gig for a while."

And the FDA guys would think, "Man. Those clowns have it made in the shade. I can't think of anything I'd love to do more than to cram into a 1964 VW Beetle with 28 of my favorite guys. I think I'll paint my face and sneak over to their staff meeting so that I can avoid doing the bullshit work over here."

This would explain the cracker jack response we've had to the Salmonella outbreak that has sickened almost 1,000 people in the USA. It started off with:

OH MY GOD! The TOMATOES!! Whatever you do - in the name of GOD - don't eat the TOMATOES! They are poisonous and will rip a hole in your stomach!"

I had managed to remain relatively unscathed by the scandal until a couple of weeks ago when I went through the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A and ordered the chicken club sandwich. The person inside the box said, "You do realize that your order will not contain any tomatoes due to the salmonella outbreak. We're pretty sure that tomatoes are the devils work anyway." So I ate my stupid sandwich sans tomato and it sucked. Just like I knew it would.

Then, about a week later the same FDA guy who was screaming at the top of his lungs about saving the babies from the hateful tomato suddenly was all, "Well, tomatoes aren't so bad. I mean, they kind of piss me off sometimes but then other times they aren't the worst I've seen."

And now, I've just read the headlines on MSNBC to find that tomatoes might not be the problem after all. BUT WATCH OUT FOR THE GODDAMN CILANTRO! That's the ticket! The cilantro is at the heart of all that is ugly and bad. Or maybe it's the peppers.

I wish the FDA would just come out and say it - they don't like Mexican food. They probably don't even like Mexican people. But they are too chicken to say it so they come up with some ridiculous subversive story that any ingredient that might show up in a Mexican dish is likely to give you severe stomach cramps with a gassy, oily and bloody discharge.

I wonder if they've even bothered to look at how many margaritas were consumed by the people who got sick. I don't know about you but I am quite familiar with the relationship between how many rita's I drink and how shitty I feel the next day.

At any rate I'm thinking that the FEMA guys can finally, for the first time since Katrina, hold their heads up a bit knowing that they are no longer the most hated and mocked Administration in our government. Way to go, guys!! It was bound to happen sooner or later....

PS If I ever saw the above clown anywhere I would never stop screaming. Ever.

Link to Humor-blogs.com. I don't think that there are any creepy clown pictures over there so you should be all good.


kc said…
Are you serious? Cilantro? I didn't hear that, but last night I did see that they were looking at "suspicious" peppers! And remember last year, when it was spinich? Possibly we should just stop eating altogether. Or, I haven't heard anything about infected ice cream...
Alice said…
Babycakes has the fear of clowns also. Staying at Circus Circus in Vegas almost killed him. Not that I would stop screaming either if I saw that particular clown.

Fortunately, I'm not a big cilantro fan, so I guess I'm safe. Ish.
Daniel said…
It really would be great if they could figure out how to track produce the way meat, canned stuff and medications are tracked.

But I guess the lobbyists for the produce growers association have been so extraordinarily successful in keeping “the best congress money can buy” from passing meaningful legislation for tracking. In fairness to the FDA, if congress doesn’t allow them the tools and funding for doing the job well, they can only bumble along.

Besides, when did the IRS fall from the most hated agency in the fed gov’t?
FEMA and FDA have topped them? Wow.

Anyway, thank goodness I can go back to enjoying tomatoes and ignore that nasty cilantro that I hate cause it tastes like eating ivory liquid soap.
Bex said…
KC - Serious as bloody diarrhea. (Which means totally serious.) You're right...I think I do remember something about spinach. As soon as I start an all meat diet they'll start talking about mad cow disease again. I just can't win.

Alice - I HATE clowns. With a white hot flaming passion. I would rather my kids grow up to be marshmallow testers than clowns. ::shudder::

Daniel - Man, you're fired up this morning. What did you have for breakfast, some salsa or something? Besides, the IRS is so hated that it is kind of out of the running. Like when people talk about the sexiest couple in Hollywood. You can't say "Pitt and Jolie" and be all smug and stuff. No! OBVIOUSLY they are the sexiest. But who else?? Surely there are other sexy couples in LA??? Great. Now you've got ME all fired up. If I get diarrhea I'm gonna be pissed.
Kendrawolf said…
I just found you. I KNEW I HAD to read your blog when I saw your comment on "Happy Meals & Happy Hours". You are too funny! I live in Arizona. I live on Mexican food AND Margaritas... I am doomed.
Meg said…
Notice that beer never gets on those lists. And I'd much more prefer it with my chicken sandwich than tomatoes or salsa.
Jacki said…
Cilantro? I didn't hear anything about the cilantro.

It is funny you never hear about outbreaks of stuff from locally grown produce. I think I'll start visiting my local farmers market.
Bex said…
Kendra - Hi! I'm glad you found me! I love "Happy Meals and Happy Hours"...she's hilarious. You like Mexican food and Margarita's because you are a good and reasonable person. Just like me. I don't know WHAT to do the haters.

Meg - An excellent point. No alcohol was mentioned at all, in fact. Hmmm. An all booze diet would probably lessen our chances of salmonella...but then our liver function might get sketchy. It's a tough call.

Jacki - Well, I don't think it was grown locally to me but it must have been local to somewhere.

I love our local farmer's market. I'll eat anything I find there except okra which is the most disgusting veggie EVER. Why couldn't that be the source of the outbreak???
Don Lewis said…
What they don't get is that it's the little sticker on each piece of produce thats the culprit.
Daniel said…
Well, yeah, I was fired up - so fired up I went out and bought a ton of tomatoes (ok, not literally) and made a honkin' big batch of gazpacho....and yum yum what great eating. woohoo.
Shieldmaiden96 said…
I did hear something about serrano peppers this morning, though serrano peppers kindle a fire in the bunghole anyway so I don't know how they can tell.

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