I met a very interesting woman today. We were at a luncheon and were seated across from one another at a long table. She introduced herself to me and we began chatting. Suddenly, things got weird:
Her: This egg salad sandwich is YUMMY.
Me: Mine, too! There must be relish in here....
Her: Speaking of eggs, I have endometriosis.
Me: Oh man, that sucks. I have a couple of girlfriends who have it, too. (the men at the table are now slowly scooting their chairs away from us while I bat my eyes at them, silently imploring "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE BY MYSELF!")
Her: It's VERY painful. I had cysts on my uterus AND cervix. I also have boils taken out from time-to-time. It really sucks.
Me: Ummm...yah, I'd imagine. Oh! Not to change the subject or anything, but did you SEE the cake over there!!! Wow!!
Her: I like cake. It reminds me of my ovaries.
Me: ......eh.... So...I hate to change the subject again, but I'm dying to know: what do you do for a living??
On my way to drop my kids off at the local elementary school this morning there was a police officer who was directing traffic. I was behind 5 other cars that he had stopped so that another line of traffic could go. We had been sitting there for about 30 seconds when the truck behind me beeped his horn. I glanced in the rear view mirror thinking, "Hey, Einstein. I'm not stopped here because I love the way the beater Chevy in front of me feeds poisonous gases into my car. Open your fucking eyes and see that we either have to stop or run a cop over while our kids are in the car."
But I kept my acerbic and witty comments to myself as I had wee ones in the car. Because I have self control.
Anyway, as we entered the drop off zone I stopped the car (because that's what I typically do when SMALL CHILDREN need to get out of the fucking car) and my two daughters picked up their bags and hopped out. As my second grader was closing the door she said, "I love you, Mommy."…