Showing posts from March, 2008

Kraut Katastophe

Well wouldn't you know it. The fucking "air-tight" (HA! My ass!!) plastic container slipped out of my hands spilling juicy sauerkraut all over the carpeted floor. In desperation I got the dog and encouraged her mightily to consume it. This is why, when my kids followed the strange sounds coming from the laundry room, they found me standing over their dog hissing in my Darth Vader voice, "EAT the fucking kraut! EAT the fucking kraut!"

Suddenly she's, like, all particular about what she'll eat. THAT'S rich, considering this is the same animal who has consumed puke that didn't originate with her (I don't know why that seems MORE disgusting to me than eating her own yak but it does) eggs that were 3 days old with ants on them, her own fecal matter, poopie diapers from Mr. Nasty, etc.

She had a couple of bites and suddenly her ears retracted to the back of her head. She slowly looked up at me like she was really seeing me for the very first time an…

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!

I have to make this quick as I am BUSY today. BUT. Did you hear about the woman in South Florida who was mauled by two cheetahs? I read that headline and thought to myself, "Holy shit! I'm going there in a couple of weeks! What? Are there cheetahs roaming the streets there now? Are they in the Everglades? How will I protect myself and kids from this danger???"

Then I opened the article and realized that this woman ENTERED THEIR CAGE. She went in to do a demonstration and the people at the "cat sanctuary" (?!) said that one of the cats was distracted by a bouncing ball outside of the cage and then pounced on her, biting and clawing her.

I know that I'm not a cheetah. But I have actually been distracted by a bouncing ball myself. And not once, after many of these occurrences, did I knock someone to the ground and scratch and bite their back. NOT ONCE! When asked for a reason as to why the cheetahs attacked the lady I think the sanctuary spokesman should have sa…

Oohh...I LOVE a good streptease!

Well. I'll be a monkey's uncle. I took my three kids to the pediatrician this morning to find out...Hot Damn! They all have strep throat! What glorious, glorious news!! This explains why I've been feeling like I had mono...I just figured that my laziness was coming to a head. But, no, I'm pretty sure I have the funk, too.

So everyone stayed home from school today and it has sucked. The girls have been fighting, the baby has been leaving snail trails of snot everywhere he know, your basic suck fest.

So that's my first set of issues. My second is that someone in my 8 year olds class told her about sex. She came home on the bus a few weeks ago and was being all weird. Finally, in that warm maternal way of mine I said, "WHAT???!" She said that someone had told her something but she wasn't allowed to tell anyone else. Naturally I pinned her to the wall and tickled her until she spilled it. Here is how the conversation went:

Her: Well, she told me a…

New Shampoo

Today I bought New Shampoo. I couldn't wait to come home and use it. (And yes, I know that I'm a total dork.) Anyway, I put the baby down for his nap and hopped in the shower. After wetting my hair I read the back of the shampoo bottle. DID YOU HEAR THAT?? I read the back of the bottle. I realized that I do this every time I buy a new brand of shampoo.

The instructions on my new bottle said, "Apply, lather, rinse." I have a feeling that whoever wrote that wanted to write, "Apply, lather, then rinse. You dumbass. WHAT? You were expecting a different instruction? Like maybe the way you use this product changes from time to time?! It is shampoo, you Tool. Wash your fucking head and then go put your helmet back on."

So. I have revealed myself to you as something less than a mental giant. Fine. But my hair is clean. And it smells really good. Plus? I don't really have to wear a helmet. I just made that up.

I totally have it going on....

Clean hair feed to humor-…

My Warning to You...

My husband and I are, of our combined siblings, the first to have had kids. At first we were drunk with the power of it as people would drop everything and run to us if we asked. But got a little lonely. After all, our kids don't have anyone to sit with at the kids table during family dinners. Which means that they sit at OUR table. I think you can see my point. So it is with DEEP happiness that I can announce that I have TWO sisters-in-law who are currently on the nest.

I started wondering if there was anything I should tell them that I wish I'd known when I first had mine. You know, the stuff nobody tells you but you wish you had been warned. Here comes your warning.

The Boy Problem

Baby boys can and DO get erections. I'm not sure how the experts recommend handling this but I always respond by laughing hysterically. I mean REALLY. My husband thinks I could give our son a complex by my reaction. But I say if this is the way he's planning on going through life …

The Elusive Mr. Ears

When my daughter was almost 3 years old she walked into my bathroom and asked me where her Night Night was. Night Night, AKA Mr. Ears, is a stuffed rabbit with whom she sleeps. As the 'lady' (term used loosely) of the house I get asked constantly to locate things that do not belong to me. (Where are my keys? My shoes? My wallet? My stuffed rabbit?) And I'll admit that I find it deeply annoying. In fact, on the right day, it can take me from zero to sixty in about 4 seconds.

Staring down into her lovely blue eyes I said, "Honey. Night Night is your bunny. He's YOUR responsibility. You just had him in your hands and I am sure that he is wherever you've left him. Go and find him yourself." Watching her walk away I felt a sense of pride, knowing that I was instilling in her the importance of being responsible for her own things.

Moments later, she re-entered the bathroom - bunnyless. "Mommy! I can't find Night Night and I've looked EVERYWHERE!"…

Childhood Fears

I was a nervous kind of kid growing up. There was a lady who lived across the street who didn't have a right arm from the elbow down. Nobody would give me a straight answer as to where the rest of her arm was RIGHT NOW and what the hell happened to it. Was she born that way? Got caught up in a major biker fight? An army of rabid flesh eating armadillos got her? WHAT?! To make matters worse she was the kind of woman who shellacked on the makeup. She looked like she couldn't stand next to a 60 watt light bulb without her face melting off. It was extremely creepy (bless her heart).

I used to take the fastest shits in town back then because I would worry that her hand would find it's way into MY toilet and goose me. Which would obviously be a very bad thing. I also would climb into bed and then meticulously pat down the sheets all around me in case her arm found it's way into my room and began commando crawling under my sheets to "get me". Fortunately we eventual…

It's Bacon, Baby!

Never in my life have I uttered the phrase, "What the...oh, man...yuck...this has TOO much bacon on it!" I've never even thought it. Which leads me to conclude that there is NO SUCH THING as too much bacon. BLT's, salads, bacon and eggs...I've had it all. As a matter of fact - now that I'm thinking about - the only thought I've ever really had is, "You know...this could really use a little MORE bacon. I didn't quite get enough of it."

My husband makes a delicious salad that has an onion and bacon topping on it. We have to be careful when serving it to friends because some people will simply scrape off the top and put it on their plate, leaving naked lettuce for the rest of us. Very uncouth, I know. But like I said - it has bacon in it and they want MORE. Here is the recipe:

Don's Salad

1-2 heads Romaine lettuce, chopped
5 slices raw bacon, chopped into 1/4 inch wide strips
1 onion, chopped
Ranch dressing (Don't buy it ready made. Buy the l…

Coming Soon, to a Court of Law Near You!

I'm thinking about suing my neighbors kid. And let me tell you why:

There is a lawyer who is suing the casino's in Atlantic City because she lost her house, her lucrative business and her parents home (?!) due to her gambling addiction. It seems that she began going to Atlantic City to "relax" after her hard work as a Big Deal lawyer and pretty soon she became compulsive about it. She began "liberating" funds from her clients escrow accounts to pay for her habit which led to her being disbarred for stealing and generally just being a piece of shit.

All said and done she lost about a MILLION dollars. She is suing the casino's for $20 million. The casino's treated her like royalty by picking her up in their limo and paying for her suites at the hotel, etc. And now she's suing THEM. Unbelievable.

But then it occurred to me...

I am going to SUE that damn GIRL SCOUT who lives on my block! If she hadn't come to my home with her little pig tails and he…

She's a Maniac, Maniac on the Dance Floor!

There is something about me that you probably don't know. I don't really talk about it much because I don't want to be perceived as a braggart. But today that's gonna change. Because I don't have anything else worth talking about.

I, my friends, am the Ellis Island of Aerobics. Yes...thank you very is true. Cloaked somewhere in my pheromones is a scent that apparently screams, "Give me your uncoordinated, your unbalanced, your spastic movers. Hey, YOU! Yeah, you...the one with the big hump on her shoulders! Get on over here, girlfriend! And while I'm at it, I'll also take the stealth farters and the people with no concept of personal space (which very sadly seems to go hand-in-hand with bad personal hygiene habits)."I don't have any empirical evidence to support this claim other than the fact that every time I go to aerobics I find an empty spot as far away as possible from others. As soon as the music starts people lunge in my genera…

Atlanta: What Are We, In Freakin' Kansas??!

Some of you may know that I live in Atlanta. We had some really bad storms last night so I went to to see what they were reporting. Here is the headline with a picture:

Gee...we were hit by a "possible" tornado. Let's review the facts:

1. The tornado siren went off about 5 minutes before the windows were blown out of this building.
2. There is a line of damage about a mile long.
3. Residents reported hearing a roaring noise right before their homes blew away. was either a tornado or ...a big sneeze? A cheerleader pillow fight, gone awry (don't you HATE it when that happens??)? We have skyscrapers that have damage from top to bottom. I'm going to take a risk and say Holy Wall of Clouds, Batman! A TORNADO HIT OUR TOWN!

That wasn't so hard now, was it?

Hopefully no houses landed on top of Diesel, Wicked Warlock of the West at Humor-Blogs. That would totally suck. For him.

The Imperfect Life of the Politicians Wife

There must be some sort of finishing school for politicians wives. They are like Stepford Wives on crack or something. In Adulation 101 they'd learn how to stare at their husbands with awe and interest when listening to his thirtieth speech of the day. They don't HAVE to stifle the yawn because they aren't bored. No! They are completely enchanted listening to him opine endlessly about his political crap.

The school would also have a course in "Looking the Part" where the wives would learn in-depth reasons for wearing multiple strands of pearls while in a gray skirted suit. Naturally they will also discuss the importance of having hair shellacked with spray so that it looks like a helmet.

One of the more important classes would be called, Smiling and Nodding: A Politicians Wifes Best Friend. The ultimate test of the programs' success is if the husband invites her to a press conference where she - holding his hand and looking on with sad yet understanding eyes li…

Pot! Hookers! A Boat!

Why is pot illegal? I don't enjoy it myself so this isn't really about ME but seriously...why? It's a plant that you grow and then smoke. It relaxes you, right? If booze and tobacco products are legal pot should be, too. I'm just saying. And while we're discussing legality issues, what about prostitution? Let me get this straight, it's legal to give it away but it's ILLEGAL to sell it?! That's stupid.

I've TOTALLY gotten off topic here. And I'm reeling it in.... I'm back!

OK. Remember her?

Her name is Dawn Wells and she was the actress who played Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island. They should have called her Mary Jane, though, as she was picked up for possession of some grass. Here is her mug shot:

She looks like she could totally go for a pizza and a plate of nachos. I have to say though that as far as mug shots go it's not half bad. I wonder if she was trying to look nice, imagining this shot on the front page of The Smoking Gun or if she …

Protesting at Funerals: A Look at the Deranged and Demented

I normally like to write about funny things. (At least they are things that I find funny.) They are usually attempts to be funny in a ha-ha kind of way, although sometimes I will throw in something that's funny in a weird way, just to shake things up. But what I want to write about now isn't funny at all. It is shocking and horrific.

There was a girl from my home town who was murdered at Auburn University last week. Her name was Lauren Burk and she was 18. She went to our local high school and although I didn't know her many of my friends children did. She's being buried today. Her family is, naturally, heartbroken. It was a random, tragic and violent attack. That's really bad enough.

My husband drove by the funeral home yesterday and noticed that there was a small army of Harley Davidson riders holding American flags. They appeared to be guarding the memorial service. It turns out that they were asked to be there to protect the family because a group called the West…

Splish Splash, an Accidental Bath

Do you know what literally AND figuratively sucks? Public toilets with an automatic flusher, that's what. I wouldn't mind them a bit if they flushed ALWAYS at the right moment. But they don't. Sometimes you are just sitting there, doing your thing and WHOOSHHHH! Your naughty bits are caught in the cyclonic flurry of dirty water being pulled - with surprising force - down the tubes. The worst is when the toilet sprayer/bowl filler isn't positioned properly. You'll know you're sitting on one like that when suddenly cold toilet water is sprayed all over your undercarriage. That always feels so nice and refreshing, doesn't it?? It's moments like that when I like to have a nice industrial grade piece of sand paper with which to scrape the epidermal layer off. Because soap and water just won't get me clean enough after dirty public toilet water is sprayed on my ass.

Now I know why these auto sprayers exist. It's because people (not you and me, obviousl…

Intersection Ignoramus

Today I went to the grocery store and was looking for a parking spot in the ginormous parking lot. There was an intersection that had a four way stop. Each point of entry even had its own stop sign. I approached at 2 MPH, stopped and then eased forward. So then this asshole to my left, who approached the intersection a few seconds after me, doesn't stop and just...GOES through it while shooting ME a look. I'm like, "Ummm...HELLO...?!"

I slammed on the brakes and she had to turn her wheel to go around my front bumper as I'm in the middle of the intersection. She's on her cell phone (OF COURSE) and she's staring at me like I'm the fucking idiot who almost caused the accident. She stops, too, in front of my car to stare at me, and then, shaking her head continues on.

So now I'm pissed off. She can't give me that look! She's the one...! I now have an impulse to follow her car. It's a strong impulse. But what am I gonna do? Beat her up? I hav…

Q and U, sitting in a tree...

My daughters got off of the bus yesterday and were excitedly discussing a wedding.

Thing 1 (8 year old), "...and then he said will you take 'you' to stand by her side forever and ever..."

Thing 2 (6 year old), "....oh, man! and then what happened??"

Thing 1, "...'que' said YES, I will! And then the guy was like, And You? Will you take Que to stand beside forever and ever??"

Thing 2, "Wow. So they're married, huh? Wow."

Finally I chime in and ask what the hell is going on. Both girls began frantically describing - in stereo - the video of the wedding they were shown in class. There was a minister... flowers... the works. So here is what I FINALLY discerned: someone at their school staged a wedding between the letters 'Q' and 'U' because they are always used together in words.

It took me around 10 minutes to finally figure it out. By the end of the conversation my girls are looking at me with expressions that imply, &…

Drying the Twins

OK. My husband told me that yesterday's post sucked so I need to put something else up. Therefore I've been looking for something funny. And I'm looking everywhere.

Here is a possibility....

After my Pilates class this morning I went to the restroom where there was a young woman and her hairdryer. She was completely dressed and her hair was dry and pulled back in a pigtail. She did not appear wet (currently, recently or otherwise). The dryer was on, inside her shirt and she appeared to be drying her breasts. It made me wonder what the hell she had going on in there.

So I went into the stall, peed and figured that by the time I came out she'd be working on something else. But no. She still had the dryer on and in her shirt. She was chatting with various people and seemed to be genuinely unaware that what she was doing was odd.

As you may have surmised, I myself have breasts (no applause necessary). But I find that whenever the need to dry them arises that a quick wipe or t…

Jumpin' Jelly Legs!


She must have seen a spider or something.


Not my favorite Italian...

You know who bugs the hell out of me? Giada De Laurentiis. She's a "Celebrity Chef" on She speaks perfect English with an American accent. But she's of Italian descent. Fine. Who gives a shit. But there are three things that really bug me about her. And without further ado...

Every shirt she wears is tight and low cut. OK. We get it. You have tits. Congratulations...Her head seems abnormally large.
Although she speaks English in a normal manner, whenever she says a word of Italian origin she clenches her teeth and throws a heavy Italian accent on it. OK. We get it. You're Italian. Big fucking deal.
Am I jealous? Maybe. Resentful? You betcha. But the word, in English, is PASTA. It shouldn't sound like "bhpahssstah". I'm just saying....

She does have a nice rack though, I have to admit. I wonder how that little neck supports the big head with all of those teeth. She must get her strength from all of the bhpahssstah she's eatin…

Can I get some FRIES with that SHAKE???

In my early twenties I used to ride my bicycle to college. We lived in South Florida and school was only 7 miles away. It was good exercise, plus, the scenery was gorgeous. The only thing that made my ride uncomfortable was that I had to go past a construction site where a new hotel was going in. Every morning I would hear cat calls, jeers, whistles, and such as I scurried by. The soundtrack in my head was playing the same music that plays in the Wizard of Oz when that bitch takes Toto away from Dorothy. Da na na na na NA na. Anyhoo, I always ignored the construction workers unless they said/did something REALLY gross and then I'd shoot a withering look in their direction.

One day, out of nowhere, I rode by and NOTHING happened. I slowed down thinking, "Um, hello?! It's me...." They looked up and indifferently went back to work. I completed my journey to school with a perplexed expression on my face. "What the fuck?? I thought I looked pretty cute today. I'm…