My Marvelous Mammaries

At the risk of increasing my "Weird-O" and "Pervy" visitors ( - love you guys), I was thinking about writing about breastfeeding today. Because nobody ever tells you the Real Deal about this stuff. And that's just wrong.

So. When I was pregnant with my first kid I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'll probably breastfeed her. I mean, I have the hooters and everything, so why not??" Truth be told, I thought that it would be a very natural and beautiful thing that she and I would both embrace with maternal-bondish delight. So imagine my surprise when it HURT like a MOTHER FUCKER.

Every time she would latch on my toes would curl in pain. The lactation consultants were very encouraging in a cheerleader kind of way, "Yes!! That's WONDERFUL! Look at that latch - you're a genius!!!" But I didn't feel like a genius. I felt like a moron who just couldn't get the idea without going to some intensive courses on the matter. And my kid seemed kind of pissed off, too. I kept wondering what the hell animals in the wild do. They don't have lactation consultants. And yet their babies just curl up sweetly and have their tugs and then get on with the sleeping and shitting part.

It got to the point where every day I would tell myself, "OK, You. This totally sucks. And everybody is miserable. So here is our plan. Just nurse through the end of today and tomorrow you can quit - I promise."

And then tomorrow would come and I would tell myself the same lie. Finally it got to the point where I didn't hate it and where I didn't feel like my nipples were going to rip themselves off of my body and run away to someplace safe and warm and where they weren't subjected to daily tortures.

Right about this time I woke up one morning to the sensation of my husband sitting on my chest. I responded with my standard, "What the fuck, dude! Get off of me...." That's when I realized he wasn't even in the room. It was just me and my GINORMOUS cans. The skin was pulled so tight that I could see through it. And guess what - that is SOOOOO not sexy. I know, I know, you men out there might think that it would be. But trust me - it's scary in a "I think they're gonna BLOW...!" kind of way.

So my milk finally came in and everything worked itself out. But those first two weeks were hard. And this was true of all three of my kids. The upswing was that my husband was kind of freaked out about my milk and if I wanted to get him to leave a room all I had to do was shoot a stream at him. It was kind of like being a super hero. Super Bex and Her Mammary Cannons will save the day!!!

I think that this must cover Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About Bex's Boobs But Were Afraid To Ask. At least I certainly hope so.

Click here for some funny blogs....and if you happened to vote for me (or my hooters), well, that'd be ok, too.


Anonymous said…
My oldest daughter bit my wife frequently, and with malice.

I bite her as well, but it's very different.
this is sooooo one of the many reasons I never have and never will give birth! God bless you for having kids so I don't have to (you did have kids for the good of all woman-kind, right?) :)
Philly said…
God made formula for a reason!

Mojo said…
You know what I found disturbing about this?

...woke up one morning to the sensation of my husband sitting on my chest. I responded with my standard..."

Bex said…
Dan - The Malicious Infant. Sounds like a Lifetime Movie of the Week to me. As for the wife, bite her well and often and I'm sure everything will be just fine.

Sandy - It's my pleasure. At least that's actually what got me into the procreation game initially. Pleasure. The next thing I know I'm fat and my nipples are bleeding. I'm pretty sure I took a wrong turn somewhere....

Philly - When you're right, you're right.

Mojo - Hey, a girls gotta have her standards, right??
David said…
I always start my day by googling "marvelous mammaries"
blewknight said…
"Lurker" that I am.......I DO come in the "front" door, thank you very much! :o) I will continue to do so until you advise otherwise.
The fact that no one told me what would happen to my boobs after giving birth haunts me to this day. Waking up with what felt like a cement encasement around me makes me shake yet today. It was more painful than actually delivering my kids. I just totally got sympathy boob pain reading this!
Brownie said…
My favorite was how I would just TALK about my daughter and milk would come spraying out causing a big 'ol wet spot on my shirt. Embarrassed my poor male neighbor (who I was speaking about my new baby to.) But I made it through two kids...and then my boobs deflated. Oh well...there's always plastic surgery...
Beck said…
Hilarious post.

The only thing you missed was: After all that pain and one-day-at-a-time patience and sacrifice, your boobs kick you in the ass and decide they will never shrink back to their former skin taughtness or height. that's the the real kicker if you ask me. Insult to injury!
Bex said…
David - Well who doesn't?!

BlewKnight - My face is blushing at the implication of a "back" door visit. I think the front door is fine - for now.

For a different kind of girl - I know! Why keep the secret?? I say tell everyone.

Brownie - This probably is WAAAYYY too much information, (yet here I go) but when I went for my 6 week post-baby checkup my OB squeezed my boob (presumably for breast cancer but who fucking knows) and a stream of milk SHOT out and hit his glasses. I looked at him and said, "Oh my god! I'm so sorry...what the fuck did you do THAT for?!" He loves me....

Beck - Oh, I don't know. I kind of like the power of knowing that I could knock someone on their ass, only by taking off my bra.
Liz C said…
Bex: Ha! re your doc. He deserved it, the jerk.

I got stretch marks when my milk came in. I felt betrayed. Although the full C cup was nice while it lasted....
Bee said…
My sister came over the other day without her newborn to do some job searching.

After a while, she kept moaning that her boobs were hard and wanted me to touch them because I was calling her a whiny baby.

Hard. They were oh so HARD!
Diesel said…
This is an especially difficult time for the husband, because his instincts tell him to grab and squeeze and his wife tells him to GET F--- AWAY FROM ME.

At least that's how it worked for us. Every marriage is different.
sista #2 said…
Funny, I was just thinking this morning....maybe I will ask Bex about her boobs.....and walah!! There it was!!!

Wait a minute... is that a dog nursing kittens?!?!?

This post was hilarious!
damon said…
Your standard is "what the fuck dude, get off me?" That's freakin hilarious! (Sorry Mr. Bex)

I have more boob questions, but I'm afraid to ask. ;)
Bex said…
Liz C - Oh, man that sucks! You get ALL the way through the pregnancy, stretch mark free - and then your chesticles betray you at the final hour.

Bee - Hard. And heavy. What a great sister, "Feel my boobs! Come on...take a pinch. A jiggle?? Come on KNOW you wanna play ganip ganop with these puppies...!" And you're all, " thanks, I'm...good... can we just, uh, work on your resume and call it a day. Can we?? You big FREAK??!" She says ok and then a few minutes later it's, " you want to slap them? Just FEEL IT! IT'S FUCKING HARD, I TELL YOU!!!" And then you finally give it a pump and say, "WOW! They ARE hard! Nice work...."

Diesel - Your wife is one lucky lady. I scared the hell out of my husband with all of my baby related changes. He would look at me as if, at any given moment, I might turn into a praying mantis and consume him (not in a good way).

Sista #2 - Do you think that, just maybe, we were twins, separated at birth?? Because this morning I was thinking, "WHAT can I tell Sista #2 about?? I've GOT it! I'll tell her about my lady lumps! Brilliant!!!"

Nanny Goats - No, no, no. You are SO silly. It's a dog nursing CHEETAHS. Kittens.... [::shaking her head and smiling::]

Damon - Leave it to YOU to bring this up. To be completely clear, that's my standard response IF and only IF my pulmonary abilities get constricted to the point where I fear my rib cage is imploding.

Think of "What the fuck, dude! Get off of me...." as a safety phrase.

And To All - The irony is that Mr. Bex read this and called my cell warning me not to post too many more like this. His reason? Because he was worried that this particular post would label me as the dreaded "Mommy Blogger" and that might be bad for my Blog Cred.

Funny, eh? My silly boy....
blewknight said…
The "blushing is "duly noted". I will await further orders (requests?) unless advised otherwise.
Bex said…
That's a deal, Lieutenant.
Jonny's Mommy said…
Wow. And I thought my brother writing about his boobs was disturbing.

And wow again...that shooting milk thing at your hubby -- did it a couple times and not on purpose. Very embarrassing.

Funny post, as usual!
Dorky Dad said…
I can't believe my wife managed to do that for a whole fricking year. I'd have quit after a day.
Stephanie M said…
Everything she says it true!
Anonymous said…
ROFL - "I think they're going to blow" - perfectly funny! Of course, I had to vote for you over at humor blogs - with blow and mammaries in the same article!
Shelley said…
You lasted a hell of a lot longer than I did...which was about half a day home from the hospital. What can I say, I was a wimp and I wanted some sleep. And not so much with the pain. I'm like Dorky Dad, I quit after a day. I agree with Philly, God made formula for a reason. Yay, Similac!

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