At the risk of increasing my "Weird-O" and "Pervy" visitors ( - love you guys), I was thinking about writing about breastfeeding today. Because nobody ever tells you the Real Deal about this stuff. And that's just wrong.
So. When I was pregnant with my first kid I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'll probably breastfeed her. I mean, I have the hooters and everything, so why not??" Truth be told, I thought that it would be a very natural and beautiful thing that she and I would both embrace with maternal-bondish delight. So imagine my surprise when it HURT like a MOTHER FUCKER.
Every time she would latch on my toes would curl in pain. The lactation consultants were very encouraging in a cheerleader kind of way, "Yes!! That's WONDERFUL! Look at that latch - you're a genius!!!" But I didn't feel like a genius. I felt like a moron who just couldn't get the idea without going to some intensive courses on the matter. And my kid seemed kind of pissed off, too. I kept wondering what the hell animals in the wild do. They don't have lactation consultants. And yet their babies just curl up sweetly and have their tugs and then get on with the sleeping and shitting part.
It got to the point where every day I would tell myself, "OK, You. This totally sucks. And everybody is miserable. So here is our plan. Just nurse through the end of today and tomorrow you can quit - I promise."
And then tomorrow would come and I would tell myself the same lie. Finally it got to the point where I didn't hate it and where I didn't feel like my nipples were going to rip themselves off of my body and run away to someplace safe and warm and where they weren't subjected to daily tortures.
Right about this time I woke up one morning to the sensation of my husband sitting on my chest. I responded with my standard, "What the fuck, dude! Get off of me...." That's when I realized he wasn't even in the room. It was just me and my GINORMOUS cans. The skin was pulled so tight that I could see through it. And guess what - that is SOOOOO not sexy. I know, I know, you men out there might think that it would be. But trust me - it's scary in a "I think they're gonna BLOW...!" kind of way.
So my milk finally came in and everything worked itself out. But those first two weeks were hard. And this was true of all three of my kids. The upswing was that my husband was kind of freaked out about my milk and if I wanted to get him to leave a room all I had to do was shoot a stream at him. It was kind of like being a super hero. Super Bex and Her Mammary Cannons will save the day!!!
I think that this must cover Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About Bex's Boobs But Were Afraid To Ask. At least I certainly hope so.
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