Dunkin Donuts, Back at Ya

I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???!

So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I know what you are thinking...WHY??! We very anxiously wanted to travel for a little bit of more pain - AKA my 20th High School reunion. Maybe more on that later...

As if this all weren't bad enough, my husband and I had been to a party the night before and I had just the slightest headache. So I needed coffee and like all reasonable people I went to the Dunkin Donuts because their coffee is THE BEST coffee anywhere! Starbucks can kiss my lilly white! But I digress...

So I get in the line and wait. There are two people in front of me and they are both Older. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I'm just saying. There are 2 young women behind the counter working hard to serve all of the crazy people who are up and looking for a really unhealthy breakfast. Suddenly, a third employee shows up behind the counter and asks if she can help me. The Older Lady at the counter says, "I am PRETTY SURE that I was next!"

The third employee says, "Oh. Ok. What can I get you?"

Older Lady, "This is ridiculous! I have been waiting here forever!!"

Employee, "Ummm...sorry about that. I didn't know you were next. What can I get you?"

The Older Lady is very clearly pissed off and quickly is approaching irate. I have no idea why, as I've just arrived. But she gets so pissed that she says, "You know what?! Never mind!" And she storms towards the door stating how ridiculous this has all been.

The third employee looks into the mounting crowd with a wry smile and slowly shaking her head, "I have no idea where that came from."

The Older Man chimes in, "You would know EXACTLY where that had come from if you had been standing here with us!" He, in the meantime, has been arguing the entire time with the other two employees because - get this - he doesn't think he's been charged enough for his coffee and donuts. And he REALLY wants to pay the full price.

This is when the Crazy Shit started happening. The Third Employee said, "You know what? My mom is in the hospital and I DON'T NEED THIS. I DON'T NEED THIS AT ALL! You know what? FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL YA'LL!" (Did I mention that we are in the DEEP South? We are. Big time.)

It suddenly became very quiet. The rest of us began discreetly staring at each other and/or the floor. I could read the expression on the guy behind me. He was thinking, "Fuck her? or Fuck me? Is she telling ME to fuck off? What the hell...."

So then the Third Employee takes her left hand and in a violent manner throws everything off of the counter in one sweeping motion. This action seemed to have further emboldened her as she really started screaming for us all to fuck off. Ya'll. (Clearly, she was well educated. And classy. Nothing says 'I'm Classy' like losing your shit in the local Dunkin Donuts.)

By now she was standing in front of the long line on our side of the counter. We are the only thing standing between her and the only exit in the building. I've never seen human beings move so quickly. We parted like the Red Sea for this crazy broad.

And then there were two. The two remaining employee's looked quite stunned and there was a moment of silence as we all recovered from being repeatedly invited to Fuck Off. I mean, it wasn't like it was my first time that this was suggested to me. But usually people who tell me to fuck off know me A WHOLE LOT better than she did.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Older Man broke the silence, "Ma'am. There is no way that all of these donuts and coffee cost only $6. There is just no way. I'm not going to ask you again. Please re-add it, though, because this MUST have cost more like $7 or $8." Employee's 1 and 2, neither of whom had a complete command of the English language, starred at each other and then at him repeating, "Six dolla please." He shook his head and started mumbling to himself. I leaned over and said, "Dude! Just take it and go!"

He started mumbling, "this just ain't right. it just ain't." And I thought to myself, 'Old Man! Employee 3's meltdown is going to seem like a visit with Mother Theresa if I don't get my fucking coffee PRONTO! Take the goddamned donuts and get the fuck OUT OF HERE!' But I didn't want to be rude. So I just bore a hole in the back of his head with my dagger eyes until he left. You have to draw the line somewhere, you know?

Link to humor-blogs.com


damon said…
Good for her.
Donuts are a priveledge, not an entitlement.
Liz C said…
Wow! While all the crazy shit was going down, did you think 'Score! Blogfodder!' ?

I'm ashamed to admit I would have.

p.s. Good luck on the GMAT. I took the GRE (general + mathematics) in my early 30s. It was stressful and it sucked, but then it was over and life went on. Then I dropped out of grad school after a month. Oh well.

This too shall pass. Just keep breathing!
Alice said…
I almost wish I had been there to witness that. And I believe I have actually uttered that line - "Fuck all y'all" before.

And you are SOOO selfish. I mean, you only have 11 people in the house and a major test to study for and you can't even squeeze in 5minutes to fix my Humor-Blogs link. Harumph. I'll be leaving here to go and give you a sad face directly.

That's my way of saying 'best of luck' on Saturday!
leigh said…
wow. just...wow. you may have just coined a new term: doin' a dunkin.
Anonymous said…
Don't worry Bex, I have a feeling your loyal followers will click you up the humor blog food chain while you study for your GSpot thing.

I had to Google what a GMAT was (sad, huh?), and all I could find was it meant Go Make a Taco. Can't imagine why you'd need to study that. Hell, I can tell you how to make a taco.

Deb Who Used To Have a Blog
Anonymous said…
I do hope that you'll link to the news story of when the employee who freaked returns with an AK47.
Alice said…
Soo....don't leave us in suspense.

How did your test go?!?!?
Bex said…
Damon - Oh sure. Take her side. Men!

Liz C - Actually I thought that Ashton Kutcher was going to leap out of the donut cabinet screaming about us all getting Punk'd. And then, after she left I began to worry that she was going to become REALLY psycho and get a gun or something. I high-tailed it out of there!

Alice - Thanks, Sista. It's this coming Friday. It's kicking my butt. I took a practice test yesterday and scored a 580 which isn't a great score. I think I'll need at least a 600 to get into my school of choice.

Leigh - I like that! I think I'll replace "going postal" with "doin' a dunkin" in my vernacular! Thanks!!

Anonymous Deb - Hi! Yep, I wanna get my MBA and this test is an important data point for the admissions folks to determine if I'm worthy of admission. If only they'd read my blog, then they'd KNOW that...ummm...on second thought they don't need to read this.

Sinister Dan - I totally worried about that. I couldn't wait to get out of there in case she did go mental. Actually, I guess she did go mental. But mental with a massive weapon. You know what I mean.

Alice - I'll let you know.... My mom and dad left which brings the head count down to nine. It's a little more manageable. Although, now we have an infant in the house which is distracting because I am constantly feeling the compulsion to try and steal her away from her grandmother so that I can hold her, give her kisses and tell her why she needs to stay here with us instead of moving back to Moscow with her parents. It's friggin' cold there, you know!!
Jacki said…
And I thought we had a full house with just my sister and her two month-old son living with us! You've got me beat!!

GOOD LUCK on the exam!!
sista #2 said…
Were you in Philly?
Sounds like a Dunkin Donuts up North.

I use to love their coffee......I think I drank way too much for my own good.


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