That's snot funny....

First of all, don't forget to enter my super duper contest. The winner gets the Crude-alicious Award, which can be very prestigious in some countries. All you have to do is give your most original name for a females chest and a males member. That shouldn't be hard (ba dum CHA)!

OK. Topic du jour: Why are some people so fucking clueless that it stops other people in their tracks?

My husband used to work with a woman who was a receptionist. Her main purpose was to answer the phone and greet visitors who walked through the door. Her telephone etiquette was adequate. But whenever anyone would walk through the door they would see her, stop dead in their tracks and STARE with their jaws hanging open and a look of complete revulsion on their faces.

Did she have two heads? Major face acne? An unbandaged, open wound that was badly infected? No, none of these. Indeed, she was ALWAYS in some part of the process of eating a boiled egg with an equal portion of mayonnaise slathered on it. With her MOUTH open. Always. I've never seen her either without one in her mouth oozing out of her teeth or it sitting on the desk (without a plate, naturally), awaiting the horrors that her mouth and digestive tract surely offered.
I don't know if anyone ever tried counseling her on this or not. After all, what does one say to someone who apparently doesn't realize that there is not a cloaking device in front of her mouth to shield onlookers from the sight? If she is unaware that eating anything in front of current and prospective clients is inappropriate, how would one even begin to catalog the issues surrounding the egg/mayo/wide-open-mouth while masticating thing??

She ended up getting fired because the staff collectively lost 300 pounds and could no longer eat their lunch in the office and clients began to request meetings in the parking lot. I think that they told her that they were "moving in a different direction" rather then saying "You are the MOST disgusting woman we've EVER seen. And we know Bridgette Nielson PERSONALLY!" I still imagine that she thinks that she got fired only because her boss was a "crazy bitch who obviously had it out for me the second she saw my big tits and pretty eyes". She'll never know that it was because just knowing that she was in the office made everyone feel car sick.

The only thing I ever encountered that was similar in nature (although admittedly not as bad) was a peer of mine who always had a runny nose. We'd be sitting there, in a meeting, and I'd look over at her and there would be a bead of clear snot at the tip of her nose. It seemed to be waiting patiently for something to drop itself onto. I would sit there and wonder if she had had some kind of accident as a child that ceased all sensations on and in her nose and nasal cavity because it seemed SO unlikely that she didn't feel it rolling out of her sinuses into her nose, out of her nose and then onto her upper lip. Maybe she had Sinus Paralysis and I'm just an asshole making fun of a handi-capable person. Whatever.

I saw her recently and she's become a chef. I was like WHAT did you do about your viscous snot situation??! Then I realized the health department probably doesn't regard chef snot viscosity when they give their ratings. I think that they should start. Immediately.

More funny blogs can be found RIGHT HERE.


Merrie said…
What is with those co-workers that are either clearly NOT good at their jobs, or have something as gross as egg all over their faces, that always seem to make it as long as they do? And then they're always shocked when they get fired! Where do they come from?
Alice said…
That woman has three strikes in my book.

1. Eggs bad.
2. Listening to people eat - *rage*
3. Seeing people chew food - *dry heave*

And these are my quirks.
Anonymous said…
" not a cloaking device in front of her mouth..."

Does this apply to everyone, or just this woman.

I need to know.
leigh said…
once i started reading this post was: hard boiled eggs = stinky gas

i was waiting to hear that this was the reason she got canned!
Bex said…
Merrie - I have no idea. You would think that, at some point in her life, someone like a mother, lover, parole officer, etc. would say, "For Christs sake! Close your mouth before I puke!"

Alice - I don't like it when someone is eating something and I can hear their face joints creaking and cracking. It's like, "What are you, the Tin Man?! Oil that fucking thing!"

Sinister Dan - There you go again, cracking me all up and stuff.
Bex said…
Leigh - I don't know if they produce gas or not (as I don't DO those kinds of things). BUT, when they are cooking they sure smell like someone cut one.
Meg said…
I'm actually thinking there's a weight loss idea here.
Jacki said…
Puke! I cannot stand to look at messy eaters.
sista #2 said…
Can you imagine the gas she had eating all those eggs??????


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