The MILF vs. The Cougar

A few of months ago I went out with a girlfriend to a bar. Some guy walked up to us and said, "So, just a couple of cougars, out for the night, eh?" I almost punched him in his fat head. A cougar?! What the fuck does that mean? All I know is it doesn't sound entirely complimentary. And I've been wondering about it ever since.

And then there is the MILF. It stands for "Mom I'd Like to Fuck" but it does not mean that if you happen to be a mom, and get some guy to poke you that you're a MILF. No, I think it's generally accepted that if you are a MILF then you are also a Hot Mom. But they can be sweet and committed to their baby daddy's. Which is different from a cougar. Cougars are rarely sweet. They are direct and forthcoming about what they want. And that is directly behind your zipper.

While on vacation a few years ago we met a couple of Canadian guys who were hilarious. One morning at breakfast they were discussing a scandal that had occurred the night before. Apparently there had been some kind of missed sexual opportunity and Jerome was pissed off at Verne for being a shitty wingman.

Verne's take was that Jerome wanted him to hook up with a scary looking cougar who was a 6 foot tall Swedish chick who smoked each unfiltered cigarette in one inhalation and looked at him like he had a pork chop tied to his pants. And if sealing that deal was what he needed to do for Jerome to qualify him as a good wingman, then Verne was willing to accept his Shitty Wingman status. Fair enough, I say. Besides, I saw her. She would have snapped him in half.

This is probably a common problem among single men. One girl is cute, the other - a beast. Who takes the hit for the team?? Not Verne, that much I can tell you.

The other day I heard a song on the radio that must be the Cougar Anthem - Give It 2 Me, by Madonna. Here are some of the lyrics:

Got no boundaries and no limits
If there's excitement, put me in it
If it's against the law, arrest me
If you can handle it, undress me

Don't stop me now, don't need to catch my breath
I can go on and on and on
When the lights go down and there's no one left
I can go on and on and on

Give it 2 me, Yeah
No one's gonna show me how
Give it 2 me, Yeah
No one's gonna stop me now

I've also seen the video and now I'm wondering; How much longer is Madonna going to dance around in her underwear? I think she's around 50 now and she really looks great. But this cannot last forever. Put some fucking pants on, lady! It seems like she's trying just a bit too hard to be sexy. I guess she's always done that, but I think it's becoming inappropriate. The good news is for her daughter, Lourdes. There won't be much that she'll do that her mom can bust her chops for. So at least we have that.

Here is the cover for her latest album, Hard Candy. Nice money shot, Madonna.



My guess is that her next album, when she turns 60, will feature a picture of her with her feet behind her ears. But, all things being equal, I suppose that Madonna is a MILF and a Cougar. Which is probably not bad work (if you can get it).

Link to humor-blogs.





Comments

Liz C said…
I had to look up 'cougar' on urbandictionary.com: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cougar

(I often have to do that because I'm old and out of it.)

I hate the term MILF. I think that a guy should only call a woman a MILF if she is as old as HIS mom. The rest of us are just women.
Merrie said…
I started getting tired of Madonna right around the naked book phase. Nowadays she's in the news every day, and I couldn't be more sick of her. I'd be ever so happy if she would just throw on some jeans, put her hair in a pony and be a mom like the rest of us. I really don't need to see as much of her as I do.
Bex said…
Liz C - I didn't know what it meant when that guy said it - I had to ask my husband who didn't think it was altogether hilarious that another man insinuated I was out cruising for some young studs.

I don't like the term MILF, either. But, I wouldn't get mad if someone called me one. Hypocrite?? You betcha!!

Merrie - I'm SO with you! She can still look sexy without showing off her La Perla's. I cannot imagine how I would react if a picture of me with my legs wide open hit the media. Her kids will see that stuff, you know?? I wonder if they have opinions on this stuff.

My daughters, for example, like it when I wear a dress. So I wonder if her kids are like, "You know, Mom, the crotchless panties are cute, but you KNOW that we prefer the fishnets...."
I saw a pic of Madonna's daughter recently and she already looks like a little tart! I laughed hard at the "feet behind her ears" part. So true for the yoga and sex queen!
blewknight said…
Madonna's "money shot" saddly doesn't intrest me at all. What the hell do I know, I'm into country music!
Bex said…
Sandy - Now that you mention it, I DO think that she's into yoga, too. Huh. There you go.

Blewknight - I'm not sure what it is, but there is something about her that I find inherently NOT sexy. I used to think she was...I don't think it's her age, either. I think it's because she's trying SO hard that it comes off as kind of pathetic.

I saw her Like a Virgin tour back in the day. In fact, that night was also the first time I ever urinated in public (not counting camping). It was in between two cars in the parking lot and I thought at the time that it was the MOST scandalous thing that I'd ever do. Boy was I wrong. But that's another story, for another day.
Holy Crappers said…
Doesn't she have an English accent now?

#1
Holy Crappers said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alice said…
Thanks for getting me up to speed on da' lingo. I'd totally be a cougar if my husband passed on. Get a little action and then send him packing because there's no way I'm living with another man after he's gone.

And thanks for all the tips and votes! I do try to vote for myself right away but really - my posts take almost half a day to show up before I CAN vote for them. Oh well.

And I'm still laughing at your trip report yesterday. AND I want to see Russia now. That pic was beautiful. How did you find traveling there? The people?
Stephanie M said…
I saw Madonna's movie a while ago (okay, 20 years ago!)(It was free at the Student Union, and I was poor) and left feeling dirty. ( I think she claimed that she slept with 1000 guys in one year) Cougar. Definitely Cougar.
If Rickey may chime in here: cougars are all business. True meat eaters. In other words, Madonna. MILFs are merely circumstantially attractive.

BTW, that image of Madonna cannot be construed as a true "money shot" due to the notable absence of one key incredient.

Alright, Rickey's done being pervy.
Madonna looks super scary, like an alien cougar, on this CD cover. I think a prayer that she put pants on next time is in order, but good cripes, I laughed so hard at the legs behind her ears idea!
Bex said…
Holy Crappers - (I totally just cracked up while typing your name) I believe she does have the accent. I'm not really sure if that adds or detracts from her cougarness.

Alice - I'm with you on the whole widowed cougar deal. We could start a national movement or something.

As for your HB issues, I think I misunderstood. Do you put a link to HB in the body of your post? If so you should click THAT link when trying to rate your own post. It should take you right to it. If you're already doing that I'd guess that you utilize feedburner which is notorious for slowing down posting at HB. My two cents...let me know how it turns out! (And thanks for the vote!!)

Stephanie M - A thousand guys in one year. Jesus. There are probably hookers who can't stake that claim. Even if there were no social, emotional or physical ramifications I still wouldn't want to do that. That's a lot of sweat and bodily fluids. And I'm a "When I'm Done We're All Done" kind of person, which isn't really conducive to banging 3 or 4 guys a day on average.

I'll bet if one were so inclined to yell up into her hoo hah it would sound like the grand canyon: "Hello ... hello ... hellooo ... put on some pants ... some pants ... some pantssss ...."

And thanks for voting for me!
Bex said…
Rickey - Thanks for the clarification on the MILF vs. Cougar situation. Your expertise is valued here. BUT. I will respectfully disagree about the missing ingredient of the "money shot". Although that might have been the original...uhm...thing needed, I think the term has evolved where it can mean the pinnacle event in a moment.

FADKOG - You know, I've seen your acronym in other places online and thought WTF is FADKOG?! Now I know - it's for a different kind of girl! Anyhoo, pants are definitely in order. They could even be shorts. But SOMETHING. PLEASE.

Alice - I missed your early questions about Russia. It is AMAZING. The people, the food, the scenery. I totally recommend it. Maybe not the geriatric cruise, but the country for sure. Moscow kind of sucks because it is like NYC on crack. Extremely expensive and fashion conscious (two things I'm not in to). But the rest of it was really awesome.
Meg said…
I don't mind MILF at all. Although I do prefer SILT.

And nice work with the widget. I so need to get one.
Dorky Dad said…
Where were all these cougars when I was young, huh? Huh?

Really, don't answer that. I'm afraid of it.
Bee said…
Well, I don't have children so that would make me a cougar?? Maybe in the way way distant future. I refuse to go down, so to speak, without a fight!
Shieldmaiden96 said…
I know she has a good body and all but her face is starting to look a little Madame Tussaud's in pictures that aren't all soft focus and crotch.
At this point, I am pretty tired of Madge's crotch all up in my face, but I agree: she does look good. I'll never be a MILF, I probably don't have much shot at being a cougar, but at least I was never the "beast" in my wild drunken youth.

JD at I Do Things
HappyHourSue said…
I know- Ever since the Britney/Chrsitina kissing and Justin Timberlake it's like "STEP AWAY FROM THE YOUNGSTERS."
So ....the guy that walked up to you at the bar....betcha he went home by himself!!
You should have just went ahead and hit him..he might have learned his lesson!!
Jinksy said…
If a guy can refer to his wife (and mother of his children) as a MILF, he should have no qualms about being called a motherfucker, correct?

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