Splish Splash, an Accidental Bath

Do you know what literally AND figuratively sucks? Public toilets with an automatic flusher, that's what. I wouldn't mind them a bit if they flushed ALWAYS at the right moment. But they don't. Sometimes you are just sitting there, doing your thing and WHOOSHHHH! Your naughty bits are caught in the cyclonic flurry of dirty water being pulled - with surprising force - down the tubes. The worst is when the toilet sprayer/bowl filler isn't positioned properly. You'll know you're sitting on one like that when suddenly cold toilet water is sprayed all over your undercarriage. That always feels so nice and refreshing, doesn't it?? It's moments like that when I like to have a nice industrial grade piece of sand paper with which to scrape the epidermal layer off. Because soap and water just won't get me clean enough after dirty public toilet water is sprayed on my ass.

Now I know why these auto sprayers exist. It's because people (not you and me, obviously, but other, piggier people) don't flush public toilets. For some twisted reason there is a subculture of people who will do The Deed and leave it for the rest of us to happen upon. WHY?! Are they particularly proud of their effort? Is it a practical joke? Are they so Busy and Important that they forget??

Regardless of the reason I don't see why I, a committed flusher, am subjected to these heinous toilets. I will decide when I am done and we're ready to flush.

Another problem I've heard about is people who don't wash their hands after "going". So what's next? A machine that decides for you that you MUST wash your hands at that second and then it - with NO warning - sprays soapy water on your hands? The second the stall door opens a small bucket dumps, with mediocre accuracy, where your hands are SUPPOSED to be? One out of every five toilet users would leave the room with a big splash on their shirt.

OH. And daylight savings time SUCKS. Whoever dreamed this little nugget up can kiss my left nut.

Hey humor-blogs...flush THIS.


Bee said…
Hee hee! I hate public restrooms too. I once was witness to a lady counting her pubes. Not that I saw her do it but I heard her talking to her friend in the other stall about it.

These nuts you speak of, I hope they don't get flushed down with the toilet water.
Take care of them.
Jeffrey Ellis said…
Dammit, you stole my idea for a post, I might as well delete my draft now.

Good one, anyway!
I am a pre-use flusher and am most definitely a post-use flusher. I try to bob and weave off that thing before the automatic flush gets me, but sometimes I'm not so lucky.

I have the pleasure of using our store bathroom a couple times a day at the store and it saddens me how disgusting women can be. I would have expected better from us!

(thanks for coming by my blog, and for your comment, btw!)
lillinda said…
Hey, my daughter found a way to keep her 3 yo from screaming every time that toilet flushed by itself. She keeps post-it notes in her purse and covers the "eye" before using the toilet. After the 3 yo goes out, she takes it off and then it flushes. Neato Huh?

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