Splish Splash, an Accidental Bath

Do you know what literally AND figuratively sucks? Public toilets with an automatic flusher, that's what. I wouldn't mind them a bit if they flushed ALWAYS at the right moment. But they don't. Sometimes you are just sitting there, doing your thing and WHOOSHHHH! Your naughty bits are caught in the cyclonic flurry of dirty water being pulled - with surprising force - down the tubes. The worst is when the toilet sprayer/bowl filler isn't positioned properly. You'll know you're sitting on one like that when suddenly cold toilet water is sprayed all over your undercarriage. That always feels so nice and refreshing, doesn't it?? It's moments like that when I like to have a nice industrial grade piece of sand paper with which to scrape the epidermal layer off. Because soap and water just won't get me clean enough after dirty public toilet water is sprayed on my ass.

Now I know why these auto sprayers exist. It's because people (not you and me, obviously, but other, piggier people) don't flush public toilets. For some twisted reason there is a subculture of people who will do The Deed and leave it for the rest of us to happen upon. WHY?! Are they particularly proud of their effort? Is it a practical joke? Are they so Busy and Important that they forget??

Regardless of the reason I don't see why I, a committed flusher, am subjected to these heinous toilets. I will decide when I am done and we're ready to flush.

Another problem I've heard about is people who don't wash their hands after "going". So what's next? A machine that decides for you that you MUST wash your hands at that second and then it - with NO warning - sprays soapy water on your hands? The second the stall door opens a small bucket dumps, with mediocre accuracy, where your hands are SUPPOSED to be? One out of every five toilet users would leave the room with a big splash on their shirt.

OH. And daylight savings time SUCKS. Whoever dreamed this little nugget up can kiss my left nut.

Hey humor-blogs...flush THIS.

Pervy McPervert strikes again!

When I was a kid I used to make the occasional prank call. But then I turned 13 and decided that it was a fairly retarded way to spend ones time. I've also received a few "heavy breathing" calls in my day. My mom finally bought us a whistle and said that whenever "he" called that we were to blow the whistle as loud as we could into the phone. That worked although I do wish she had specified that before blowing the whistle I should take the receiver away from my head as my ear made this weird ringing noise for days afterward. But it got rid of the pervert. It's a new day, however, and perverts must be looking for new ways to annoy us. Twice today someone has texted a picture to me. I have no idea who he is or what the hell he wants. But he must think that I don't know that sometimes shirtless men squeeze their arms against their chest to give the appearance that they actually have biceps when, in fact, their arms really look like toothpicks that are broke

And The Winner Is...

I have some very exciting news. For the first time ever the Blog of Bex is giving out an award . Yes, I know. I can feel my heart pounding, too. I will call it the Bite My Ass Award (BMAA) and I'm sure it will be coveted. Now you might be wondering just who will be the lucky recipient. Could it be Diesel, the mastermind of Humor-Blogs and Mattress Police , who - for reasons unknown to me - revamped the scoring system and and reset my score to zero? Nope. This action has actually mysteriously seemed to work in my favor. I'm sure it's temporary. ANYWAY, on to the big news. I hereby give my BMAA to this guy: Handsome little fucker, isn't he? His name is James Jackson, IV and his friends call him Jay. I like to call him Fucktard because I believe that your name should say something about the kind of guy you are. And he's a total fucktard. What, you may wonder, did he do to generate such ire from me? Well I'm so glad you asked. He owns two boutiques in suburban At

The Dunkin Donuts Dilemna

I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???! So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I know what you are thinking...WHY??! We very anxiously wanted to travel for a little bit of more pain - AKA my 20th High School reunion. Maybe more on that later... As if this all weren't bad enough, my husband and I had been to a party the night before and I had just the slightest headache. So I needed coffee and like all reasonable people I went to the Dunkin Donuts because their coffee is THE BEST coffee anywhere! Starbucks can kiss my lilly white! But I digress... So I get in the l

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