Oohh...I LOVE a good streptease!
So everyone stayed home from school today and it has sucked. The girls have been fighting, the baby has been leaving snail trails of snot everywhere he goes...you know, your basic suck fest.
So that's my first set of issues. My second is that someone in my 8 year olds class told her about sex. She came home on the bus a few weeks ago and was being all weird. Finally, in that warm maternal way of mine I said, "WHAT???!" She said that someone had told her something but she wasn't allowed to tell anyone else. Naturally I pinned her to the wall and tickled her until she spilled it. Here is how the conversation went:
Her: Well, she told me about sex.
Me: (I was thinking, FINALLY she's asking me something that I actually KNOW something about!) Oh. Sex. Well, a lot of times kids your age don't really know the deal and spread things around that aren't really true. Why don't you tell me what she said and then I'll tell you if it's true or not.
Her: Ok. That'd be great. She told me that the man puts his penis into the womans vagina!
But I was thinking...WHAT THE FUCK?! Must. Not. Giggle. ::giggling commences::
Me: Sorry about that. I guess...I think I just...uhhm.... Yeah, I'm just a little caught off guard here. I'll pull it together. ::more giggling:: I promise to pull it together, Honey. OK. So what this kid told you is actually true.
Her: (Look of horror on the face.) THAT'S SO GROSS! UGHHHH!!! (buries face in the pillow crying)
I started thinking, oh shit. Here comes another giggle. Must. Suppress. Laughter. (snort escapes from nose)
Me: I know, Honey, that it's hard to understand...
Her: It's not hard to understand, MOM. It's just totally disgusting.
Me: (more stifling laughter)
Me: Listen, Sweetie. I know it seems gross to you but it is a very natural thing. It is, afterall, how babies are made. Dogs do it, cats do it...it's how mammals make their babies.
Her: Well I'm never gonna do it! Is there any other way for humans to make a baby?
Me: Well, a doctor can take the sperm from the man and put it with the egg of the woman. Then he puts it into the womans uterus where it hopefully grows into a baby. (I'm feeling pretty good at this point because I've almost gotten my giggles under control.)
Her: Oh. Huh. Well, is that how you made me?
Me: Blank stare...it's sinking in that she's just asked me if her dad has put his penis in me to create her...ahem. So I say, "Uhhhh...no, it's not."
Her: OH MY GOD THAT IS SO GROSS, SO GROSS, SO GROSS!!! OH MY GOD.... (more sobs into the pillow.)
So I try to comfort her and then she lays another one on me, "Well, there is actually more that she told me." I braced myself and asked what and she said, "Well, she said sometimes they 'do it' in the shower and sometimes, when they are both - you know - naked - the woman sits on the mans lap for an hour..." So I burst out with laughter. An hour! Ha! Ooops...and I'm once again reeling it in....
I know what you're thinking, and you're right. I TOTALLY shanked it. The highlight of my day was when my husband got home. She was angry at him (because now she knows where he puts his pee pee!) and refused to look him in the face. He looked at me inquisitively and I smiled an evil smile and said, "Welcome to the party, Pal!"
I learned everything I've ever wanted to know about sex and MORE at humor-blogs!