Oohh...I LOVE a good streptease!

Well. I'll be a monkey's uncle. I took my three kids to the pediatrician this morning to find out...Hot Damn! They all have strep throat! What glorious, glorious news!! This explains why I've been feeling like I had mono...I just figured that my laziness was coming to a head. But, no, I'm pretty sure I have the funk, too.

So everyone stayed home from school today and it has sucked. The girls have been fighting, the baby has been leaving snail trails of snot everywhere he goes...you know, your basic suck fest.

So that's my first set of issues. My second is that someone in my 8 year olds class told her about sex. She came home on the bus a few weeks ago and was being all weird. Finally, in that warm maternal way of mine I said, "WHAT???!" She said that someone had told her something but she wasn't allowed to tell anyone else. Naturally I pinned her to the wall and tickled her until she spilled it. Here is how the conversation went:

Her: Well, she told me about sex.

Me: (I was thinking, FINALLY she's asking me something that I actually KNOW something about!) Oh. Sex. Well, a lot of times kids your age don't really know the deal and spread things around that aren't really true. Why don't you tell me what she said and then I'll tell you if it's true or not.

Her: Ok. That'd be great. She told me that the man puts his penis into the womans vagina!

Me: Ahem.

But I was thinking...WHAT THE FUCK?! Must. Not. Giggle. ::giggling commences::

Me: Sorry about that. I guess...I think I just...uhhm.... Yeah, I'm just a little caught off guard here. I'll pull it together. ::more giggling:: I promise to pull it together, Honey. OK. So what this kid told you is actually true.

Her: (Look of horror on the face.) THAT'S SO GROSS! UGHHHH!!! (buries face in the pillow crying)

I started thinking, oh shit. Here comes another giggle. Must. Suppress. Laughter. (snort escapes from nose)

Me: I know, Honey, that it's hard to understand...

Her: It's not hard to understand, MOM. It's just totally disgusting.

Me: (more stifling laughter)

Me: Listen, Sweetie. I know it seems gross to you but it is a very natural thing. It is, afterall, how babies are made. Dogs do it, cats do it...it's how mammals make their babies.

Her: Well I'm never gonna do it! Is there any other way for humans to make a baby?

Me: Well, a doctor can take the sperm from the man and put it with the egg of the woman. Then he puts it into the womans uterus where it hopefully grows into a baby. (I'm feeling pretty good at this point because I've almost gotten my giggles under control.)

Her: Oh. Huh. Well, is that how you made me?

Me: Blank stare...it's sinking in that she's just asked me if her dad has put his penis in me to create her...ahem. So I say, "Uhhhh...no, it's not."

Her: OH MY GOD THAT IS SO GROSS, SO GROSS, SO GROSS!!! OH MY GOD.... (more sobs into the pillow.)

So I try to comfort her and then she lays another one on me, "Well, there is actually more that she told me." I braced myself and asked what and she said, "Well, she said sometimes they 'do it' in the shower and sometimes, when they are both - you know - naked - the woman sits on the mans lap for an hour..." So I burst out with laughter. An hour! Ha! Ooops...and I'm once again reeling it in....

I know what you're thinking, and you're right. I TOTALLY shanked it. The highlight of my day was when my husband got home. She was angry at him (because now she knows where he puts his pee pee!) and refused to look him in the face. He looked at me inquisitively and I smiled an evil smile and said, "Welcome to the party, Pal!"

I learned everything I've ever wanted to know about sex and MORE at humor-blogs!


kcar said…
At least whenever someone mentions sex, she will think of her parents having sex and how GROSS that is. That should keep her a virgin til she is at least 30. I mean doesn't the thought of your parents having sex just totally gross you out. No better way to ruin the mood than realizing that your mom once rode the bone roller coaster (Office Space reference - couldn't help myself). Since I'm on a movie role, I can only compare the effect to the whole Austin Powers method... "Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day, Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day". Way to go Bex!
Bee said…
BWAHAHAHAHA! AN HOUR???? Seriously, I need to know who that guy is that can last an hour!! Um... sorry guys. I didn't mean YOU!

Isn't it disturbing how much kids know these days? I didn't find out until we went to a friends house and unlocked the parent control thing to watch Skin-a-max.
Alice said…
Heh heh....my 4 year old daughter tagged me with all the sex questions just a few weeks ago. Here's our story, but without all the sobbing and GROSS!


I apologize for the link, but I thought you might appreciate the similarities in our daughters' attitudes!
Marie said…
OMG. I'd probably be laughing too. I think I'll make Brad do those talks though, he's much better with that end of things than I am.
leigh said…
omg bex! this made me laugh so hard.

i made a decision when i had kids to be completely honest with them about sex.

a few years ago my kids were asking how babies were made. i told them that the mom has an egg and the daddy has the sperm and he gives the sperm to her. then my daughter asked how. when i told her she look horrified and said, "THAT'S ENOUGH, MOMMY!!!!" my son then asked, "how do you make twins?"

Steph said…
Phew I have 2 more years to get my response ready!

hee hee I can't stop laughing, how on earth did you try to keep a straight face????
Ross Cavins said…
effing hilarious ... if i ever find another woman to sit on my lap for an hour and make babies, this is probably how i would handle it with my kid ... giggling included.

Bex, you don't have your email anywhere on the site, can you email me at me[at]rosscavins.com? I think you'd be a perfect fit for scrivel.com ...

Bex said…
Kcar - pfft...you said bone roller coaster. hee hee hee! You forgot to mention showing the "O" face. She'd just go ahead and join a convent somewhere.

Bee - Seriously. AN HOUR?! Now when I'm at the next PTA meeting I'll be scanning name tags for this kids Daddy.

Alice - I'm glad to know that I'm not alone! I'll be by to check out your blog shortly...

Marie - I'm glad your husband is good at that kind of thing. My husband would have imploded and melted into the carpet (I blame his uber conservative catholic upbringing for his imploding and melting tendencies).

Leigh - that's just it! I've told them the "broad strokes" but didn't actually specify that the penis gets erect and then enters the vagina. Just like you I think that total honesty is the way to go. But I answered their questions and waited until the didn't ask any more. This kid told her way more than she was ready for! An hour. What a fucking fairy tale anyway.

Steph - I totally didn't keep a straight face. I kept cracking up and then promising to get it together. And then dissolving into laughter again. I'm a total dork.

Ross - Well! How are YOU doin'? It's true that I haven't posted my email address. I get enough spam as it is. I'll drop you line. But if you send me any emails promising to to "increase HER pleasure" or "Buy ROLEX watch NOW" I will hunt you down and...do...something bad. OK? Spam is BAD!

Thanks to all for reading and/or commenting!
The Stinker said…

Hilarious story. The part about you trying to keep from laughing is priceless.
Windyridge said…
This is hilarious and it reminds me of when I first learned about sex, having found a book by Masters and Johnson, at age 10, and I was fixated on the chapter "Positions in Intercourse". I was HORRIFIED!

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