My Warning to You...

My husband and I are, of our combined siblings, the first to have had kids. At first we were drunk with the power of it as people would drop everything and run to us if we asked. But got a little lonely. After all, our kids don't have anyone to sit with at the kids table during family dinners. Which means that they sit at OUR table. I think you can see my point. So it is with DEEP happiness that I can announce that I have TWO sisters-in-law who are currently on the nest.

I started wondering if there was anything I should tell them that I wish I'd known when I first had mine. You know, the stuff nobody tells you but you wish you had been warned. Here comes your warning.

The Boy Problem

Baby boys can and DO get erections. I'm not sure how the experts recommend handling this but I always respond by laughing hysterically. I mean REALLY. My husband thinks I could give our son a complex by my reaction. But I say if this is the way he's planning on going through life then maybe he NEEDS a complex.

The Girl Problem

When a baby girl is born some of the mom's hormones are passed into her. Makes sense, right? What DOESN'T make sense is that sometimes the infant girl - when she's just a few days old - can GROW BREASTS AND HAVE A MENSTRUAL CYCLE. This happened to us with our first kid. We had just come home from the hospital and I was changing her diaper. I noticed that there was blood on it. Naturally, as this is my first kid and I don't know what the hell I'm doing I freaked out.

I began pulling off all of her clothes looking for the injury resulting in blood. That's when I noticed the hooters. (Cue the circus clown music.) I screamed downstairs for my husband and we began inspecting and apparently looking for a sign on her that said, "Aha! The problem is right HERE" with an arrow. Her boobs looked like someone had shoved two walnuts under her nipples. We began running around like the Keystone Cops looking for a manual to tell us why the fuck our tiny baby was fast-forwarding her way through puberty. Good times.

General Problems

For some reason, kids don't seem to notice that they need to vomit. Until it has already happened.

If you have stairs your kid(s) will, at one time or another, fall down them. Count on it. Also? In that situation it is completely not helpful to throw yourself down the stairs after them. But you'll want to.

Dogs will eat the contents of poopie diapers in under 7 seconds. And then they will try to lick the babies face in gratitude. Don't shoot the dog as it is probably standing too close to your baby.

Sometimes babies don't shit for a few days. Don't freak out as it will come when it gets GOOD and ready. Constipation advice for the new parent can seem alarming. Everything from "Give her some pear juice" to "Lube up your pinky and shove it in her butt" are thrown at you from well meaning relatives. Just keep feeding her and be ready with the baby wipes.

Lastly I would like to say that I love being a mother (baby boners and all). BUT. Sometimes...well, let's just say that I understand why not everyone signs up for duty. My mother-in-law gave me a sign that sums it up: "Having children is like being pecked to death by a duck." When my kids ask me what, exactly, that means and why is it hanging prominently in the kitchen I always say, "Well, it means pecked to death in a good way."

How about you guys? Any advice for the parent-to-be??

OH! I almost forgot! This is important: your baby will only be deeply and truly fascinating to you and the other person who helped you make it. Please do NOT bore your friends, coworkers, bosses and extended family (read: me) with the minutia of the baby's day, "Oh, Constance had a poopie diaper at 8 o'clock today! She normally doesn't go until closer to 10! Isn't that strange? And did I mention that she rolls over now? Yep! It's SO cool! She can roll over BOTH WAYS. The book says she isn't supposed to do that for another week. She's SO advanced...."

OK. I'm done. Back to your advice. Whadya got?

Feed to humor-blogs.


Marie said…
Here in NM I have two cousins who are my age, but they started really young, their kids are teenagers, so my kids are the only littles here. I was thrilled when one of them turned up with a surprise pregnancy, she's due a month before I am.

When our kids are sick they get a Bucket Buddy, a bucket that they are to carry at all times. Sometimes they miss the bucket, but it definitely makes a difference.
VE said…
My advice: Walk away...just walk away and put and end to the horror... Ok, maybe not that drastic...
Esther said…
I think you should be so glad that you are not related to that perpetually pregnant seven seeds woman.

You would get no support, attention, advice or anyone who gives a damn. She sucks the oxygen out of the air.
kcar said…
In mine and my husbands case, the best advice was to think of what our parents would have done and do the polar opposite. Our conversations, "My mom would have done this, so there's no way in hell we're doing that!"
Bex said…
Marie - I like the Bucket Buddy idea. I'm going to take it if that's ok with you. When we have a sick kid we give them a tupperware bowl to carry around. The surprise yaks come BEFORE I know they are sick. The worst is when it happens in the car. If I have to scrape puke off of the seat belt ONE MORE TIME....

VE - Some days I think about it. But they'd find me. I know that they would.

Esther - I detect an emotion here...maybe not it annoyance? Pity?? Are you hungry??? The seven seeds chick IS different from me. My sense is that she is, first of all, WAY too pure to be Bex. Plus, there isn't enough vodka to get me through a day with seven kids. If I were that fertile I'd be mainlining birth control. At any rate, I'm glad you stopped by.

Kcar - I hear you on that, girlfriend. My mom is actually the one who told me to put a finger up the baby's butt when she hadn't had a crap in a day or two. I was like, "Hahahaha...OH! You're SERIOUS??! MOM! That is SO disturbing! I cannot believe..." This is when she'd interject that they used to do it to me all of the time and look how good I turned out. Yeah, right. Thanks a lot, lady.
leigh said…
just ANOTHER reason why i do not own any dogs.

i have both a boy and girl. my daughter had a little red spot on her diaper a few days after she was born i have told other people about this and have been met with skepticism, but it's true!!!

also, my son has had morning wood and has commented on it! one morning he came in and told me, "mommy, my peepee is big!" bwahahaha!
Bex said…
Leigh - Do you know that you are the ONLY person I've ever "met" who has noticed their baby girl having a cycle???

I don't know why the morning wood is so hysterical to me. I guess it's further proof that I am a 13 year old stuffed into the body of a ::gasp:: 39 year old.

When we found out that we were having a boy my husband and the ultrasound doctor were busy talking about the size of the baby's "manhood". My hubs was like, "Wow! He's a lucky's huge!" I remember lying there thinking, "REALLY? I think I've seen bigger escargot."
Steph said…
Ok where were you when I had my first born?? We had the same thing happen!

So my tip for a boy
Point his little thing down when loading him up in the diaper this will help keep their shirts and onzies dry!

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