She's a Maniac, Maniac on the Dance Floor!

There is something about me that you probably don't know. I don't really talk about it much because I don't want to be perceived as a braggart. But today that's gonna change. Because I don't have anything else worth talking about.

I, my friends, am the Ellis Island of Aerobics. Yes...thank you very much...it is true. Cloaked somewhere in my pheromones is a scent that apparently screams,

"Give me your uncoordinated, your unbalanced, your spastic movers. Hey, YOU! Yeah, you...the one with the big hump on her shoulders! Get on over here, girlfriend! And while I'm at it, I'll also take the stealth farters and the people with no concept of personal space (which very sadly seems to go hand-in-hand with bad personal hygiene habits)."

I don't have any empirical evidence to support this claim other than the fact that every time I go to aerobics I find an empty spot as far away as possible from others. As soon as the music starts people lunge in my general direction, anxious to crowd around me. And in addition to the aforementioned groupies for some strange reason I also seem to attract those who do not speak any English (the language the class is taught in).

So this is why the rest of the class is perfectly synchronized and I look like I'm in the middle of a Saturday Night Live skit. It makes getting a good work out difficult because all I can focus on is not getting my toes stepped on and breathing through my mouth (so as not to smell anybody). The irony is that they all probably blog about ME saying, "Yeah, there is a girl in my class who danced a spastic jig, frantically pulling up her feet all the time. What a dork! PLUS she's a MOUTH breather! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

OK...you've had your stay. Head on back to Humor-Blogs!

Pervy McPervert strikes again!

When I was a kid I used to make the occasional prank call. But then I turned 13 and decided that it was a fairly retarded way to spend ones time. I've also received a few "heavy breathing" calls in my day. My mom finally bought us a whistle and said that whenever "he" called that we were to blow the whistle as loud as we could into the phone. That worked although I do wish she had specified that before blowing the whistle I should take the receiver away from my head as my ear made this weird ringing noise for days afterward. But it got rid of the pervert. It's a new day, however, and perverts must be looking for new ways to annoy us. Twice today someone has texted a picture to me. I have no idea who he is or what the hell he wants. But he must think that I don't know that sometimes shirtless men squeeze their arms against their chest to give the appearance that they actually have biceps when, in fact, their arms really look like toothpicks that are broke

And The Winner Is...

I have some very exciting news. For the first time ever the Blog of Bex is giving out an award . Yes, I know. I can feel my heart pounding, too. I will call it the Bite My Ass Award (BMAA) and I'm sure it will be coveted. Now you might be wondering just who will be the lucky recipient. Could it be Diesel, the mastermind of Humor-Blogs and Mattress Police , who - for reasons unknown to me - revamped the scoring system and and reset my score to zero? Nope. This action has actually mysteriously seemed to work in my favor. I'm sure it's temporary. ANYWAY, on to the big news. I hereby give my BMAA to this guy: Handsome little fucker, isn't he? His name is James Jackson, IV and his friends call him Jay. I like to call him Fucktard because I believe that your name should say something about the kind of guy you are. And he's a total fucktard. What, you may wonder, did he do to generate such ire from me? Well I'm so glad you asked. He owns two boutiques in suburban At

The Dunkin Donuts Dilemna

I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???! So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I know what you are thinking...WHY??! We very anxiously wanted to travel for a little bit of more pain - AKA my 20th High School reunion. Maybe more on that later... As if this all weren't bad enough, my husband and I had been to a party the night before and I had just the slightest headache. So I needed coffee and like all reasonable people I went to the Dunkin Donuts because their coffee is THE BEST coffee anywhere! Starbucks can kiss my lilly white! But I digress... So I get in the l

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