I was a nervous kind of kid growing up. There was a lady who lived across the street who didn't have a right arm from the elbow down. Nobody would give me a straight answer as to where the rest of her arm was RIGHT NOW and what the hell happened to it. Was she born that way? Got caught up in a major biker fight? An army of rabid flesh eating armadillos got her? WHAT?! To make matters worse she was the kind of woman who shellacked on the makeup. She looked like she couldn't stand next to a 60 watt light bulb without her face melting off. It was extremely creepy (bless her heart).
I used to take the fastest shits in town back then because I would worry that her hand would find it's way into MY toilet and goose me. Which would obviously be a very bad thing. I also would climb into bed and then meticulously pat down the sheets all around me in case her arm found it's way into my room and began commando crawling under my sheets to "get me". Fortunately we eventually moved away without me ever being attacked or goosed by the errant arm. But it still managed to scar me.
As if THAT wasn't ENOUGH for me to worry about, one of my biggest fears growing up was that my dad would pull his hanky (you know the one...he uses it every day but it only gets washed once a quarter whether it needs it or not) out of his pocket and try to wipe something off of my face. I'd start running in slow motion screaming, "NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!"
But the worst was when Mom would pull a very used looking Kleenex out of her bag and lick it. With a long, super gross wet swipe of the tongue. You know, to get it REALLY moist to wipe off whatever offending morsels we had on our faces. She'd then start barking at us to approach her. My brother would lock eyes with me and I could tell we were thinking the same thing, "Fuck it, Dude. Let's make a break for it. You know she can't catch us if we split up and run..." But, crafty chick that she was, she would use her Jedi mind tricks and we'd sullenly go stand next to her, waiting to be hosed off with a snotty, spitty used tissue.
It's really no wonder why I am a weird adult.
Need something wiped off of YOUR face? Humor-Blogs will do it with a CLEAN tissue.