Intersection Ignoramus

Today I went to the grocery store and was looking for a parking spot in the ginormous parking lot. There was an intersection that had a four way stop. Each point of entry even had its own stop sign. I approached at 2 MPH, stopped and then eased forward. So then this asshole to my left, who approached the intersection a few seconds after me, doesn't stop and just...GOES through it while shooting ME a look. I'm like, "Ummm...HELLO...?!"

I slammed on the brakes and she had to turn her wheel to go around my front bumper as I'm in the middle of the intersection. She's on her cell phone (OF COURSE) and she's staring at me like I'm the fucking idiot who almost caused the accident. She stops, too, in front of my car to stare at me, and then, shaking her head continues on.

So now I'm pissed off. She can't give me that look! She's the one...! I now have an impulse to follow her car. It's a strong impulse. But what am I gonna do? Beat her up? I have a two year old in the back seat. What I really wanted to do is make her walk with me to the intersection and review the FACTS of the incident:

Me: Hey there. We almost had an accident, eh?

Her: Well, you...

Me: (cutting her off) No, no, no. That was a RHETORICAL question. So listen. Do you see that LARGE red octagon?? Um-hmm...it's red, see it there? Out here, in civilized society, we call that a 'STOP sign'. Yeah. And when you SEE one of those you are supposed to...STOP. Contrary to your apparent belief it is not a 'Plow Through At Ramming Speed And Kill a Beautiful Young Mother and Her Adorable Yet Precocious Two Year Old Sign'.

Me: (again, not allowing her to speak) But hey. You fucked up. I get it. Nobody is perfect. What I would really like to talk to you about is the LOOK that you gave ME after you almost crushed the front end of my car. You may be unaware of this, HOWEVER, when you fuck up and almost hit someone else's car you are not ALLOWED to look at them like THEY are the idiot. No! You are supposed to shrug your shoulders, put a surprised look on your face and put your hand up in a stationary wave that says, "YIKES! I almost hit you there!! So...sorry about that!"

Her: Ehhhh...

Me: OK. I can see that I've confused you. I'm not surprised. Let's go through this again. I'll try to speak more slowly for you: You. Failed. To. Stop. At. The. Fucking. Stop. Sign! Do. It. Again. And. I'll. Kick. You. Until. You're. DEAD. Got it?? Super. Have a nice day now.

And then I'd walk away muttering about what a giant ass hat she is but feeling good, knowing that I've made this planet a better place then when I found it because I schooled this chick on the proper etiquette of almost causing an accident.

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And The Winner Is...

I have some very exciting news. For the first time ever the Blog of Bex is giving out an award . Yes, I know. I can feel my heart pounding, too. I will call it the Bite My Ass Award (BMAA) and I'm sure it will be coveted. Now you might be wondering just who will be the lucky recipient. Could it be Diesel, the mastermind of Humor-Blogs and Mattress Police , who - for reasons unknown to me - revamped the scoring system and and reset my score to zero? Nope. This action has actually mysteriously seemed to work in my favor. I'm sure it's temporary. ANYWAY, on to the big news. I hereby give my BMAA to this guy: Handsome little fucker, isn't he? His name is James Jackson, IV and his friends call him Jay. I like to call him Fucktard because I believe that your name should say something about the kind of guy you are. And he's a total fucktard. What, you may wonder, did he do to generate such ire from me? Well I'm so glad you asked. He owns two boutiques in suburban At...

Pervy McPervert strikes again!

When I was a kid I used to make the occasional prank call. But then I turned 13 and decided that it was a fairly retarded way to spend ones time. I've also received a few "heavy breathing" calls in my day. My mom finally bought us a whistle and said that whenever "he" called that we were to blow the whistle as loud as we could into the phone. That worked although I do wish she had specified that before blowing the whistle I should take the receiver away from my head as my ear made this weird ringing noise for days afterward. But it got rid of the pervert. It's a new day, however, and perverts must be looking for new ways to annoy us. Twice today someone has texted a picture to me. I have no idea who he is or what the hell he wants. But he must think that I don't know that sometimes shirtless men squeeze their arms against their chest to give the appearance that they actually have biceps when, in fact, their arms really look like toothpicks that are broke...

Protesting at Funerals: A Look at the Deranged and Demented

I normally like to write about funny things. (At least they are things that I find funny.) They are usually attempts to be funny in a ha-ha kind of way, although sometimes I will throw in something that's funny in a weird way, just to shake things up. But what I want to write about now isn't funny at all. It is shocking and horrific. There was a girl from my home town who was murdered at Auburn University last week. Her name was Lauren Burk and she was 18. She went to our local high school and although I didn't know her many of my friends children did. She's being buried today. Her family is, naturally, heartbroken. It was a random, tragic and violent attack. That's really bad enough. My husband drove by the funeral home yesterday and noticed that there was a small army of Harley Davidson riders holding American flags. They appeared to be guarding the memorial service. It turns out that they were asked to be there to protect the family because a group called the We...

Mom said…

I hate when people who are wrong look at you like your the idiot I too would have wanted to take off after her!

2:21 PM

Anonymous said…

I have two wishes for certain powers in such situations:

1 - The do-able: A loud speaker system with which I could broadcast something like "WHAT PART OF ALL-WAY STOP DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"

2 - Dreamworld superpower: The ability to pyrokinetically set the back seat (or in this case the cell phone) on fire and watch from a distance as hilarity ensues.

2:54 PM

Bee said…

I wish I had your self control. Unfortunately I have followed people and cursed them out. My sister brother and I were talking about a specific time during dinner today that, now as an REAL adult, I'm questioning my intelligence.

I'm still quick tempered but I just flip them off now.

Now I'm all upset for you. :o)

9:30 PM

Kathy said…

I would have chased her down, grabbed her cell phone, explained to the person on the line that you were now going to shove it down her gullet and she won't be able to finish her conversation.

Thanks. I feel better now.

10:04 PM

I can SO relate to this post. In our neighborhood a large minority of the residents simply "roll through" the stop signs. Our family jokes that we should re-name the signs "Stoptional" signs, meaning, eh...you don't really HAVE to stop if you don't feel like it.

I'm also suspicious that many of our neighbors believe that having the more expensive car gives them the right-of-way, no matter who arrives at the intersection first.
"Ah, asshole neighbor in the Mercedes goes before the Escalade, then the Lexus, then me in my lowly Accord - even though I've been sitting here for five minutes."

I've been thinking of writing a post about it, but I doubt I could top yours.

Kudos :)

11:59 PM

Bex said…

Hi, Steph! She really did make me mad!

Daniel, OOoooohhhh...I LOVE the way your mind works! Either power would have been immensely helpful...

Bee, I thought about flipping her off as she needed some sort of message that she was being a total ass. But I worried that it wouldn't send a clear enough message that SHE was in the WRONG. Grrr...I'm getting mad at her again....

Kathy, I really thought about chasing her. But after all of the smoke cleared I would have to explain to my husband why I was in the pokey and that child protection services had our 2 year old in an undisclosed location.

Armadillo! You MUST post something about that...it's hilarious! Stoptional! bwhahahaha! And then the pecking order at intersections... It is seriously funny. Seriously.

AND thanks for the Kudos! I love how you say it.... :))

8:49 AM

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