My Zoo Report

Yesterday morning I had a wild hair and decided to go to the zoo with my three kids and one of their friends, which would make my 'me to child' ratio 1:4. One of my biggest fears is to be in this kind of situation and lose a kid or two so on the drive there I gave them my "if you can't see me, I can't see you, which means the next time I do see you I'm gonna smack your ass. So don't get lost!" speech.

After that there was a deafening silence in the backseat and so I decided to break the ice with a lecture on the majestic animals that we would be seeing shortly. The King of the Jungle. The Noble Gorilla. We're gonna do it all, Baby!

The first thing you see at Zoo Atlanta are the fascinating flamingos. Interestingly enough, the first thing you smell is flamingo fecal matter. There was a lot of dramatic plugging of noses and gagging noises from my brood. I have to admit that I showed uncharacteristic restraint by not chiming in with a request that someone light a fucking match.

Next we walked to this huge area that is supposed to resemble an African plain and of course it had all of the appropriate animals. One of them was a rhinoceros who was eating bugs or something off of the ground. The kids were mesmerized. After 10 minutes it finished its snack, turned and then waddled its mud encrusted butt away. We were all stunned to silence at the sight.

There was ... something between its legs (please cue the Jaws music). My kids friend said, "Oh...there is the vagina..." and we received some glances from other parents. But I looked straight back at them as if to say, "Yes??? So???? This kid calls it like she sees it! And if you can't deal with that, then you are clearly not ready to bring your kid to the fucking zoo!"

Fortunately I said nothing because the "vagina" began to unravel in the most curious, telescoping way. It looked like a lightning bolt slowly unfolding and extending until it finally looked like this:

Yes, there was another moment of silence while we realized that this animal had magically grown a fifth leg. The family standing next to us had a four year old kid who said, "Daddy! What is that?!" I glanced sideways at the father and could tell that he felt inadequate to answer. So my 7 year old summed it up, "Uhhh...Oh! That's a boy rhino. Right Mommy?"

Right indeed, Honey. Right indeed. Then I spent a good part of the day wondering why female rhinoceroses don't seem happier.

Next we went to the Gorilla area and I watched my two year old taking in these animals who seem alarmingly similar to us. Only lazier (if that's possible). There was a smallish gorilla who was having a staring contest with my boy. They both seemed mesmerized, almost as if staring into a strange mirror.

Then the gorilla, as if in slow motion, poked a finger into his nose, slowly pulled out the contents and then dragged it into his mouth. My son looked up at me and then began sagely nodding his head as if thinking, "Now this is someone I could relate to."

And then, when I got home, I had a margarita as big as my head and suddenly life seemed like living again.

I've heard unsubstantiated rumors that Diesel (at humor-blogs) is built like a rhino. Which end, I'm not sure.


Jeff said…
I had no idea Rhinos were Jewish.
Your trip to the zoo sounds like a typical Saturday morning at my house, minus the admission charge!
Deb said…
Thank you so much for the Bex Rapid Weight Loss Plan! I was contemplating eating (appropriately named for your post) a buffalo chip cookie or three, or four, but then I read about the gorilla nose hors d'oeuvre and TA DAH! No more cookie craving!

I won't tell you what that rhino photo did to me.
Zowie! I had no idea the zoo had porn star and gross behavior day for the animals. A lovely outing to be sure! ;)
damon said…
Somehow the "shlong/vagina" posts seem classier with a pink template.

I once drug my son to the monkey farm. Lucky for us, we got there during "happy time". I don't know what sparked his mood, there weren't any playmonkey mags anywhere!
HappyHourSue said…
That's a real photo?????? And that was when it was *ahem* uninterested.
Alice said… like us. So like them.

I saw the elephant with five legs at a zoo once. Damned impressive. And my mom pointed it out which shocked me even more.
kc said…
Diesel has turned into the Mattress Nazi - I suddenly get the sarcastic kitty every time I try to LOL at a post. So my vote didn't count for you, but I most definitely DID laugh. Now I want to borrow someone's kid to go to the zoo.
Bex said…
Jeff - I had no idea that when I say "he's hung like a gorilla" I was actually insulting (most) men. The average gorilla penis is two inches long.

FODKOG - bragging!!!

Deb - The boogers I'm used to. But the rhino made me feel kind of funny, too.

Sandy - When I was trying to find pictures to demonstrate what I saw I found out that my experience was literally nothing. I found a video on youtube of two rhinos going at it. It was mesmerizing in a really, truly pervy way.

Damon - You know, I was just thinking the same thing. I just love Leigh....

Sue - Yep, it's a real photo. They actually do that when they pee. When they are ready to get busy (I'm now totally up on the topic because of the aforementioned video) the penis looks like it is another animal literally cruising around the females ass. It looks like an anaconda sniffing around a rhino ass. Bizarre!

Alice - Ah, yes, the elephant. I'll never forget seeing a male horse pee for the first time. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. And then I couldn't look anyone in the eye for the rest of the day.

KC - Thanks for trying! I hate it when I get that kitty. I asked Diesel about it and he said that it's to encourage people to go visit other blogs. Which is fine with me unless it adversely affects my score.
leigh said…
i love you too!
Stephanie M said…
So much can be learned from a trip to the zoo!
Bee said…
That's about why I have at home.
Just sayin'.
Dorky Dad said…
So you didn't give them the, "That Rhino has a boner" speech?
R said…
OMG! De-lurking because you are just too damn funny! Oh, and I think I saw your son 20 years in the future last month. I'll let you think about it for a sec... ok, so I live in LA, and there was a sunny day last month and I was stopped a bit behind and to the right of a beautiful ragtop Jag and I noticed something... the MAN (full grown at least 35 yrs old) was picking his nose with his pinky finger and then sticking his finger into his mouth! I am not kidding! And he KEPT ON DOING IT, so I had to pull up next to him and laugh. ahahhaaahaa... lucky for him the light turned green so he sped away.
sinisterdan said…
When experiencing a strikingly similar experience with my then 3 year old daughter at the zoo:

"It's the antenna."

Meg said…
I took my French exchange student to the zoo and the monkeys were overly interested in each other's rear ends.

I had a hard time finding the right words in English to explain this.
Bex said…
Leigh - Mwah!

Stephanie - Oh, yeah, we all got our learn on.

Bee - No bragging!!! (But me, too!)

Dorky Dad - I would have said it but I'd have worried that they'd see the lust in my eyes.

(Dear PETA - Just kidding!! Don't worry, I'm not going to break into the zoo and poke your male rhino. Truthfully that thing was kind of scary looking anyway. It looked like it had a face on the end of it!!! So no need to picket or whatever.)

R - Oooohhh! I'm so pleased that I lured you out of the lurkers bin for a sec!!

As for the guy you saw, it was not my future son. I know this because my kid would NEVER pick his nose with a pinky. Nope, it's all index, all the time at the Casa de Bex.

I'm glad we cleared that up. I wouldn't want people thinking that I have pinky nose pickers/eaters that I've given birth to.

Sinister Dan (but not his real name so I don't know what the hell to call him) - He shoots, he SCORES! Nice one...if only we'd had this chat a few days ago.

Meg - A few ways I would have tried to explain my rhino to your Frenchie: Le Grande WeeWee. Le HotDog Formidable. Un Crayon Magnifique.

As for your monkeys you could have said, "Ah, l'amour etrange des singes." As long as you didn't follow it up with, "Je voudrais d'avoir un singe..." Because THAT would be creepy.
Jormengrund said…

The last time I took the kids to the zoo, it was mating season at the monkey cages!

Here was the one male, all strutting around and throwing stuff. All the parents are pointing to him and telling the kids "Oh! He's kind of mad.. You better keep an eye on him!"

Then what does he do??

You guessed it.

He jumps up, proceeds to get a HUGE boner, and jackhammers not one, not TWO, but three girl chimps in quick order!

Parents are stunned to silence, kids are looking on in shock, wondering what kind of evil he's done to the poor monkeys, and I'm trying really REALLY hard not to wet my pants..

God I love the zoo!

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