The scene: Gloucester High School Algebra class in Massachusetts about one year ago. Two girls are supposed to be learning math but are instead frantically texting each other.
Girl 1 - My mom is such a stupid bitch.
Girl 2 - Mine, too. She has no idea how hard it is to be a kid.
Girl 1 - None of them do. OMG!! I got a great idea!!
Girl 2 - omg...what??
Girl 1 - We should totally play a joke on our parents and school!
Girl 2 - omg...omg...LOLOLOL...i'm IN. What should we do?
Girl 1 - Let's all get pregnant, like, at the same time!
Girl 2 - ...........O.M.G. .....That would be, like, too funny!
Girl 1 - Sweet. Tell everyone, K?
Girl 2 - K!!!
Flash forward about 6 months. Two boys are sitting in Algebra class, supposedly learning math. Instead they are frantically texting each other.
Boy 1 - WTF is up with the girls at this school?
Boy 2 - Huh? You mean cuz they are all so easy?
Boy 1 - No! I mean cuz they are all fat and stuff.
Boy 2 - But they're easy. As in will totally do IT.
Boy 1 - Maybe they used to, but now they're all like super sensitive and crying all the time and shit.
Boy 2 - Word. You know bitches get crazy. Maybe they're on that rag or somethin.
Two months later, at the community baby shower, the girls are laughing hysterically about their super awesome prank. Girl 1 says, "Bwah ha ha ha ha....OMG...we sooooo got everyone on this one..." Suddenly her expression sharply changes from happiness to puzzlement to pain.
The other girls look down and start laughing, "OMG...you totally peed your pants. I'm gonna put this on youtube ... BWAH HA HA HA..."
The first labor pain hits Girl 1 and she doubles over and starts crying about wanting a "Do-Over" and her mommy. Confusion and then eventually fear covers the face of each girl in the room as they realize that they are watching a preview of what will soon happen to them as well.
The stork is working over time, dropping off snotty nosed kids with lightening speed. A month later a bleary eyed Girl 2 sends a text.
Girl 2 - There is something wrong with this baby.
Girl 1 - omg. what??
Girl 2 - she won't fucking sleep. and she won't stop crying! And she shits like, all the time.
Girl 1 - OMG. Mine too! Do you think that means they're retarded???
Girl 2 - dunno. but i never sleep. and my BF (boyfriend) broke up with me, said I'm not fun anymore.
Girl 1 - STFU (shut the fuck up)! My BF told me that i'm totally fat and gross. Guys are such fucktards. Well, at least we showed our moms, right??
Girl 2 - ...um...i guess, yah.
There is a period of silence as both girls realize that perhaps they hadn't completely thought through the prank as they didn't know that they would have a baby living with them afterwards. Babies who would want to - GASP - eat from their breasts. Plus they'll shit in their diapers at least once a day for at least 2 or 3 years (if our young heroines had actually paid attention in math class they'd know that's at least 700 poopie diapers). And then the girls will be living with toddlers who might actually want to play and learn with someone. But at least they'll all have the same taste in music.
Girl 1 - My mom is such a stupid bitch.
Girl 2 - Mine, too. She has no idea how hard it is to be a kid.
Girl 1 - None of them do. OMG!! I got a great idea!!
Girl 2 - omg...what??
Girl 1 - We should totally play a joke on our parents and school!
Girl 2 - omg...omg...LOLOLOL...i'm IN. What should we do?
Girl 1 - Let's all get pregnant, like, at the same time!
Girl 2 - ...........O.M.G. .....That would be, like, too funny!
Girl 1 - Sweet. Tell everyone, K?
Girl 2 - K!!!
Flash forward about 6 months. Two boys are sitting in Algebra class, supposedly learning math. Instead they are frantically texting each other.
Boy 1 - WTF is up with the girls at this school?
Boy 2 - Huh? You mean cuz they are all so easy?
Boy 1 - No! I mean cuz they are all fat and stuff.
Boy 2 - But they're easy. As in will totally do IT.
Boy 1 - Maybe they used to, but now they're all like super sensitive and crying all the time and shit.
Boy 2 - Word. You know bitches get crazy. Maybe they're on that rag or somethin.
Two months later, at the community baby shower, the girls are laughing hysterically about their super awesome prank. Girl 1 says, "Bwah ha ha ha ha....OMG...we sooooo got everyone on this one..." Suddenly her expression sharply changes from happiness to puzzlement to pain.
The other girls look down and start laughing, "OMG...you totally peed your pants. I'm gonna put this on youtube ... BWAH HA HA HA..."
The first labor pain hits Girl 1 and she doubles over and starts crying about wanting a "Do-Over" and her mommy. Confusion and then eventually fear covers the face of each girl in the room as they realize that they are watching a preview of what will soon happen to them as well.
The stork is working over time, dropping off snotty nosed kids with lightening speed. A month later a bleary eyed Girl 2 sends a text.
Girl 2 - There is something wrong with this baby.
Girl 1 - omg. what??
Girl 2 - she won't fucking sleep. and she won't stop crying! And she shits like, all the time.
Girl 1 - OMG. Mine too! Do you think that means they're retarded???
Girl 2 - dunno. but i never sleep. and my BF (boyfriend) broke up with me, said I'm not fun anymore.
Girl 1 - STFU (shut the fuck up)! My BF told me that i'm totally fat and gross. Guys are such fucktards. Well, at least we showed our moms, right??
Girl 2 - ...um...i guess, yah.
There is a period of silence as both girls realize that perhaps they hadn't completely thought through the prank as they didn't know that they would have a baby living with them afterwards. Babies who would want to - GASP - eat from their breasts. Plus they'll shit in their diapers at least once a day for at least 2 or 3 years (if our young heroines had actually paid attention in math class they'd know that's at least 700 poopie diapers). And then the girls will be living with toddlers who might actually want to play and learn with someone. But at least they'll all have the same taste in music.
The babies will get older and enroll in the public school system where they will spend lots of time avoiding learning with impressive diligence and texting each other about how stupid and bitchy their mothers are.
Well played, Girls. You showed us all.
Well played, Girls. You showed us all.
Comments
Well-written, but painful to read.
And this is so true....these girls are just flat out stupid at times..aren't they?
This was hilarious and perfectly written.
A slap yourself in the forehead moment for these dumb girls
What's WORSE is the boys - we have one who fathered 3 while in HS. I think the human race is self destructing, but at least with you, we can laugh about it!
(I would like to have grand kids, I just don't plan on raising them...)
I wonder if Nancy Grace has dedicated 30 hours to it yet?
Bex - jonny's mommy is right: That last baby picture is just so wrong!
Yulia - Thanks. And no, it's not my kid. Although when I first saw it I wondered if her parents know that a picture of their little princess has been circulated on the internet and whenever anyone sees it they pull their head back and say, "Oh!"
Jonny's Mommy - Thanks. To be honest, I was quite the dumbass in high school, too.
KC - Fathered THREE kids in high school?! Jesus. That kid is quite the stallion, eh? How sad for those kids though. Not a great start in life.
Sinister Dan - Huh. I'd like to be there when you share your little plan with them.
Hypocritical One - Seriously. What is up with Nancy Grace and her insane news-a-thons about stuff??? She has to beat every store into the ground.
Deb - YOU DID NOT! Swear??! Wow...you're practically famous!
Sensei - Yeah, you're right...that would be a real saver!
Someone else in the blog world had written about her time in a maternity ward where a teen mother had put a burrito next to her baby expecting them to eat it. A FREAKIN' NEWBORN!
How come it's always the morons who find it so easy to procreate!?
Sandy - I would totally agree with that if we could also include a GPS in case anyone is ever lost or kidnapped. I know, not very PC. But I WORRY about that shit, you know???
MomJeansBlogger - You know what? When you're right, you're right. To quote the character Tod (played by Keanu Reeves, from the movie Parenthood): "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."
Butt-reaming assholes indeed.
I agree-- those baby pictures made me wince!
Sarah - Yeah, she is a bit on the creepy side. What's up with that tongue???? It's curled and there is some kind of bubble or something on it. Yech.
WHY OH WHY couldn't they have decided to do this while _I_ was still in HS??
Please?
I mean, that way I could have "been a man" without HALF of the work I put into chariming my way into the panties!
*sigh* I guess it's really true that some folks just get all the luck, isn't it?
I'm out.