Pregnancy Pacts (and other GREAT Ideas)

The scene: Gloucester High School Algebra class in Massachusetts about one year ago. Two girls are supposed to be learning math but are instead frantically texting each other.

Girl 1 - My mom is such a stupid bitch.

Girl 2 - Mine, too. She has no idea how hard it is to be a kid.

Girl 1 - None of them do. OMG!! I got a great idea!!

Girl 2 - omg...what??

Girl 1 - We should totally play a joke on our parents and school!

Girl 2 - omg...omg...LOLOLOL...i'm IN. What should we do?

Girl 1 - Let's all get pregnant, like, at the same time!

Girl 2 - ...........O.M.G. .....That would be, like, too funny!

Girl 1 - Sweet. Tell everyone, K?

Girl 2 - K!!!

Flash forward about 6 months. Two boys are sitting in Algebra class, supposedly learning math. Instead they are frantically texting each other.

Boy 1 - WTF is up with the girls at this school?

Boy 2 - Huh? You mean cuz they are all so easy?

Boy 1 - No! I mean cuz they are all fat and stuff.

Boy 2 - But they're easy. As in will totally do IT.

Boy 1 - Maybe they used to, but now they're all like super sensitive and crying all the time and shit.

Boy 2 - Word. You know bitches get crazy. Maybe they're on that rag or somethin.

Two months later, at the community baby shower, the girls are laughing hysterically about their super awesome prank. Girl 1 says, "Bwah ha ha ha ha....OMG...we sooooo got everyone on this one..." Suddenly her expression sharply changes from happiness to puzzlement to pain.

The other girls look down and start laughing, " totally peed your pants. I'm gonna put this on youtube ... BWAH HA HA HA..."

The first labor pain hits Girl 1 and she doubles over and starts crying about wanting a "Do-Over" and her mommy. Confusion and then eventually fear covers the face of each girl in the room as they realize that they are watching a preview of what will soon happen to them as well.

The stork is working over time, dropping off snotty nosed kids with lightening speed. A month later a bleary eyed Girl 2 sends a text.

Girl 2 - There is something wrong with this baby.

Girl 1 - omg. what??

Girl 2 - she won't fucking sleep. and she won't stop crying! And she shits like, all the time.

Girl 1 - OMG. Mine too! Do you think that means they're retarded???

Girl 2 - dunno. but i never sleep. and my BF (boyfriend) broke up with me, said I'm not fun anymore.

Girl 1 - STFU (shut the fuck up)! My BF told me that i'm totally fat and gross. Guys are such fucktards. Well, at least we showed our moms, right??

Girl 2 - guess, yah.

There is a period of silence as both girls realize that perhaps they hadn't completely thought through the prank as they didn't know that they would have a baby living with them afterwards. Babies who would want to - GASP - eat from their breasts. Plus they'll shit in their diapers at least once a day for at least 2 or 3 years (if our young heroines had actually paid attention in math class they'd know that's at least 700 poopie diapers). And then the girls will be living with toddlers who might actually want to play and learn with someone. But at least they'll all have the same taste in music.

The babies will get older and enroll in the public school system where they will spend lots of time avoiding learning with impressive diligence and texting each other about how stupid and bitchy their mothers are.

Well played, Girls. You showed us all.


Meg said…
OK. Having spent the last four years writing about an urban high school, this one hits close to home.

Well-written, but painful to read.
Yulia said…
roflmao! but that last baby picture was creepy...unless it was yours, of course.
Jonny's Mommy said…
That last picture was creepy!

And this is so true....these girls are just flat out stupid at times..aren't they?

This was hilarious and perfectly written.

A slap yourself in the forehead moment for these dumb girls
kc said…
I'm with Meg. As a HS teacher (although suburban), it's really interesting which girls actually get a clue after having a new dependent, and which just go on with their partyhood.

What's WORSE is the boys - we have one who fathered 3 while in HS. I think the human race is self destructing, but at least with you, we can laugh about it!
sinisterdan said…
This is why I sincerely hope that both of my daughters turn out gay until they are at least 27.

(I would like to have grand kids, I just don't plan on raising them...)
I still can't believe this story when I hear weird.
I wonder if Nancy Grace has dedicated 30 hours to it yet?
Deb said…
Oh geeze. Gloucester High School is my very own alma mater. Waaaay back then there were no pregnancy pacts least none that I knew of! There was one girl who did become pregnant but she mysteriously "disappeared" and we never saw her again. Ever. What a difference 3 decades has made. Kills me that we all are supporting these babies with babies...and the cycle continues.

Bex - jonny's mommy is right: That last baby picture is just so wrong!
Sensei said…
Financially, it seems like a very smart idea. Judging from some of the clothing I've seen high school girls wearing recently, their babies should be able to wear the same shirts their mommies wore only a few weeks earlier.
Bex said…
Meg - Wow. That must be quite an experience. There is so much going on at that age...

Yulia - Thanks. And no, it's not my kid. Although when I first saw it I wondered if her parents know that a picture of their little princess has been circulated on the internet and whenever anyone sees it they pull their head back and say, "Oh!"

Jonny's Mommy - Thanks. To be honest, I was quite the dumbass in high school, too.

KC - Fathered THREE kids in high school?! Jesus. That kid is quite the stallion, eh? How sad for those kids though. Not a great start in life.

Sinister Dan - Huh. I'd like to be there when you share your little plan with them.

Hypocritical One - Seriously. What is up with Nancy Grace and her insane news-a-thons about stuff??? She has to beat every store into the ground.

Deb - YOU DID NOT! Swear??!'re practically famous!

Sensei - Yeah, you're right...that would be a real saver!
Alice said…
I bet that is more real than you might think.

Someone else in the blog world had written about her time in a maternity ward where a teen mother had put a burrito next to her baby expecting them to eat it. A FREAKIN' NEWBORN!
is it wrong to wish that all kids could be made temporarily sterile from age 12-20?
momjeansblogger said…
How come it's always the morons who find it so easy to procreate!?
Bex said…
Alice - A burrito?? They obviously have never read the pamphlet entitled, "A Newborn Parents Guide To Never EVER Feeding Your Kid Mexican Food Because The Outcome In The Diaper Will Be Catastrophic." I'm done with my copy if anyone wants to borrow it.

Sandy - I would totally agree with that if we could also include a GPS in case anyone is ever lost or kidnapped. I know, not very PC. But I WORRY about that shit, you know???

MomJeansBlogger - You know what? When you're right, you're right. To quote the character Tod (played by Keanu Reeves, from the movie Parenthood): "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

Butt-reaming assholes indeed.
Stephanie M said…
I hadn't heard about this yet - thanks for keeping me abreast of the news!
Sarah♥ said…
Holy Hell.. that was funny!

I agree-- those baby pictures made me wince!
Bex said…
Stephanie - Avoiding this story is impressive. What's your secret?? Every time I turn on the TV I hear about it and my 7 and 8 year old girls have begun asking what a "pact" is. So far I've avoided the question by feigning illness but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.

Sarah - Yeah, she is a bit on the creepy side. What's up with that tongue???? It's curled and there is some kind of bubble or something on it. Yech.
muskrat said…
nice. if only it weren't true.
Jormengrund said…
I have only one question about this whole thing...

WHY OH WHY couldn't they have decided to do this while _I_ was still in HS??


I mean, that way I could have "been a man" without HALF of the work I put into chariming my way into the panties!

*sigh* I guess it's really true that some folks just get all the luck, isn't it?

I'm out.

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