Forgive Me Father, Cuz I Totally Just Sinned

Let's file this under "Give Me A Fucking Break" shall we?

The Catholic Archdiocese in Cincinnati just produced a list of things that their priests are no longer allowed to do with children. They are NOT allowed to kiss, wrestle or tickle kids. Also on the "no-no" list are bear hugs and piggy-back rides. Are these not a bit...self-evident? Seriously, are there really piggy-back giving priests out there who aren't out to get in your pants?? My hubs grew up Catholic...maybe I'll ask him. He was, in fact, an alter boy AND a boy scout and managed to get out with his corn hole intact. So I guess there is hope.

But I think they might have forgotten to add a little something called "MOLESTATION" to their list. Because, if memory serves, tickling kids is still legal in most states. As is a friendly peck on the cheek. But putting your hand down a kids pants...NOPE. Not ok, not even a little bit.

I also noticed that this list only defines appropriate behavior with kids. Does this mean that it's ok to tickle adult parishioners? I'll admit that getting tickled by a priest is on my List of Things To Do Before I Die (it's listed right after I have a drunken threesome with an HIV+ Haitian whore and Donald Rumsfeld - meow).

I know that there must be millions of Catholic priests who have managed to keep it in their pants over the years. Nicely done, Gents. But this list sucks, is stupid and it's ineffective. Because although I'm not a Catholic, I'm going to guess that the "no hanky-panky" rule with the children in your parish was already well established before the Naughty Priests started getting it on with the youngsters entrusted to them.

If they really want to put a comprehensive list of inappropriate things (that does not include the inappropriate things that have already been happening) I think that they should add that priests aren't allowed to watch kids eat ice cream or have pillow fights in their underwear. And let's make lustful glances inappropriate while we're at it.

Oh, and pro-Catholic people?? I totally do not want to get a bunch of emails chewing on my ass for this post (leave that task to my Haitian hooker, thank you very much). I went to one of your schools. I've married one of you. So please. Let's think of me as a 'Catholic-In-Law' and not a 'Crazy-Bitch-Dissing-The-Church'. Because I'm not dissing your church. I'm dissing your pervy priests.

PS I tried to get some images to put on this post (because some of my readers...well, let's just say that they only read books with big pictures). But everything Google showed me looked like it could be construed as offensive. So we're illustration free today, folks.

Humor Blogs talks slowly and has lot's of pretty pictures, by the way (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more).


Deb said…
Here ya go Bex:

The perfect picture for the priest part of your post. Couldn't find anything for the Haitian hooker - you know, it's the fear of CSI thing that I have.
tickled by a priest!! LOL! I'll pass on that one. what a craptacular, pointless, stupid ass list!! un-f*cking-believable!
Alice said…
Dumbass list.

I have heard personal stories of too many priests and I'll leave it at that today.
Bex said…
Deb - That was good. Too good. But it sums it up nicely. YOU couldn't find a picture of a Haitian hooker?? Come just aren't trying hard enough!

Sandy - Thanks! And thanks for my award! I shined it up and put it on the shelf this morning!

Alice - I know. I hesitated to write this because I know that there are so many victims out there who are still traumatized.

But then I figured that if the Archdiocese is stupid enough to make up this list and then produce it to the media, well, then they are just begging for someone to come around and point out that it is not worth the paper it was written on.

If a priest ever tried to tickle me (or God forbid give me a piggy back ride) I'd probably turn into stone from shock and fear.
damon said…
I was raised Roman Catholic.
All the touching and tickling is part of the religion.

Isn't it?
Sully Sullivan said…
Yeah I don't think they need a list of things they can't do to little boys. Don't they have one of those already. Like the 10 Commandments or something to that effect? Wait aren't Christians still very again gay marriage? Aren't these same Christians taking advice from priests who are most likely very for gay play with little boys? Contradictionary isn't it? That's weird because the bible doesn't contradict itself EVER...Or wait...
Meg said…
At least those fundamental Mormans marry their victims.
sista #2 said…
Oh man I hated the nuns with a passion.

The priests never bothered with us wonder why?

Hey Bex,

Paul Wolfowitz called - if Rumsfeld isn't available for that threesome, "Wolfie" says he's available.
Tiggy said…
Couldn't the Vatican just issue a Papal Bull (or whatever it is) stating that all priests should be suspended in a gold cage, high above the pulpit?

Not only would they be a bit closer to God, but it would help them maintain their chasitiy vow.

If the Pope told them God said so, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. Its a win-win situation for everyone!
kc said…
Mmmm, I would so be willing to be tickled by Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds. But alas, I am old & female, so...

BTW, I think your new lips are dead sexy (but not in a dirty priestess sort of way).
I almost shot pepsi out of my nose when I read this!!!!!
To funny!!!!!!!!
Bex said…
Damon - Ummm...I guess the religious experience varies by the individual. Ahem. (or is that 'amen'....)

Sully - Don't even get me started, brotha.

Meg - Does it make me a bad person that I laughed at your comment? If so...fuck it. I'm a bad person. Cuz I laughed.

Sista #2 - The nuns never bothered me much. I always had crushes on my priests, though. And a lifetime of twisted infatuations was born....

Sorry, Dougie. If it can't be with Rumsfeld it's no joy. There is just something about that pencil thin mouth...woo. Is it getting warm in here or is it me???

Now, if Wolfie wanted to give me a piggy-back ride...well, THAT might be worth thinking about.

Tiggy! I think that you are totally onto something here! Gold cages. That seems perfect somehow. Nice work, Sweetie!

KC - Hey....I thought it was MY turn to play the dirty priestess tonight! WTF?!

Keeper of All Things - Well then we've all done our jobs here today! Although it is kind of bullshit when people (REPEATEDLY) leave comments that are funnier than my post. But whatever. Like most things in my life, if it makes me laugh, it can stay.
David said…
There is a recovering victim of priestly tickling of his private parts when he was a child who stands with protest posters in front of the Vatican Embassy here in DC.

He is a very kind and interesting person who basically had his childhood and innocence destroyed by perverts wearing church approved dresses.

I bet he could give a fine review of this no piggy back rides list. And maybe add "no doggy-style games" either.
Bex said…
David - that really sucks. I can't imagine what he's been through. Those guilty of this kind of stuff should be hung from a tree by their nuts. Normally I don't like the litigious nature of our society but I don't feel that way about those abused by priests. It is bad enough that the sexual abuse happened, but the cover up by the church was absolutely inexcusable.

I hope that they take it all....
Jormengrund said…
Well, you can bet that if he's that emotionally scarred, SOMEONE took it all..

Just not in the way you meant, I think..

I'm out, before I say anything more, and get myself in trouble here.....

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