Dry and Hacking, Shoulders Slacking

Sometimes, when I get sick, I get a dry, hacking cough. It is - how do you say in your language - tres sexy. On more than one occasion this has happened and someone I don't know well has offered me a cough drop. When you have a dry, hacking cough you are at the mercy of others. Your eyes water mercilessly so you can't see anything. And you obviously can't talk, what with all the dry hacking. So you blindly nod your head.

Inevitably your "savior" will hand you something from the dark and wet recesses of their handbag. It will be partially unwrapped with a chunk missing. And let's not forget all of the hair and bits of crap stuck to it. Suddenly it looks like a lint brush that is four inches wide. Your head pulls back in fear as it is being passed towards your face.

What to do? WHAT TO DO??? Wipe it on your sleeve? Blow on it?? Throw it and run away?!

The irony is that everyone in the room is horribly annoyed by you and your dry hacking. They stare at you expectantly, waiting for you to take the stupid lozenge so you'll no longer be spreading the bubonic plague. So, you man up, stick it in your mouth and hope that nothing resembling a pubic hair get stuck between your teeth. You are then expected to nod your head and smile thoughtfully at the lozenge giver, not unlike you've had a sip of exceptional wine.

In other coughing news, you may already know this, but one of the most horrible sights in the world is a naked woman who is in mid-hacking cough. I happened to notice this phenomen the last time I got sick. I had undressed for bed and was sitting in front of the bathroom mirror with the closet mirror behind me.

Suddenly I had a coughing fit and happened to glance in the mirror behind me midway through the fit. Sweet niblets. It was horrifying. Slack shoulders, heaving up and down. Skin pulled taut, just trying to keep up with the shoulders. And this is why, folks, that whenever I'm sick I always wear a parka. Now you know.

Bex, OUT.


kc said…

hope that nothing resembling a pubic hair get stuck between your teeth

this reminds me of the old joke "what do you call a Roman soldier with a hair stuck between his teeth?

I was worried this joke might be too gross, but then I figured it's no worse than your naked description.
Meg said…
I've taken to wearing a bra at all time since I cough so much.
Bex said…
KC - YEAH, you are!!! Woo hoo!!!

As for your comment, I happen to be a big fan of Gladitors...

Hey, it was a COUGHING while naked description. Not just a "naked" description. There is a huge difference. But yeah, it's pretty gross.

Meg - You're right. Nothing is worse than having a dry hacking cough and then waking up with a concussion and a black eye wondering what the hell happened.
Nessykins said…
What about when you sneeze continously like every 5 seconds??? And eveyrone just stares or keep saying bless you.
Sensei said…
Feel better Bex. Naked or not.
Chat Blanc said…
I cringed reading about the cough drop! by my standards that's way worse than the cough. you poor thing! people shouldn't torture the sick like that!
Bex said…
Nessykins - YES! You're exactly right!!! You do the perfunctory 2 sneeze in a row, and then a renegade sneeze comes up - aaaCHHHUUUHHH! You've already been blessed twice...nobody knows what to say. If they keep blessing you they might be there a while, yet they worry they'll be rude if they don't bless you again. So usually they just mumble another blessing.

Sensei and Sandy - I'm not sick!!! I saw a guy in the airport the other day and he was coughing all over the place. It just made me think of it!
shyloh said…
OHMYGOD. YOU have me crying and that's not good. I am working here. Ok trying to work here anyway. I have a client coming in and well I now have that gothic look going on.. TISSUE PLEASE!

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