Crisis in Georgia



So I live in Georgia. Did you even know that? What's more is I had Russians living in my house until this very morning. Naturally when CNN announced that Russia had invaded Georgia I thought, "No shit. They've been here since May. What's the big whoop??"

Then I realized that Georgia, in addition to being the poster child for childhood obesity, has a country underneath Russia named after it. So I relaxed a bit.

And that's when I heard the REAL news. Two men said that they found a deceased Big Foot in the mountains of Georgia. So they did what any reasonable person would do - stuffed it in a freezer and then drove it across the country, all the way to California.

Okaaayyyyy...you find a 500 pound dead animal who strongly resembles a human being. And then you get back in your truck, go home and get a deep freezer. First, of course, you'd have to remove all of your frozen redneck food. Then you and a buddy (who is undoubtedly called "Shane") load the empty freezer into your truck which is missing its' muffler. You also load a case of beer because, after all, you are very clearly manly men who will need some beer to get them through the next few hours.

You go back to where you found your Sasquatch (which, incidentally, you have no idea how to spell) and start chewing tabacco, which is integral to your discussion of how to "stuff 'er in there to git'er done, by the grace a god". After you've consumed the case of beer you decide that brute force and rolling is the only way you're going to get this sucker in your freezer.

You finally load it in and then look at each other with blank stares - now what?? Call the police? Nooo. That'd be ridiculous. You could take it to your Uncle Bocephus. That sumbitch could stuff anything on the wrong end of your shotgun ("Hey, Bubba, remember what he did with our pet Opossum??"). But Shane, the better educated of the two (graduated from the 8th grade, yessir, thankee very much!) states that this wouldn't work as they would no longer have "that there goddamn DNA" to prove that what they have is indeed Big Foot.

So the decision is made to drive to Palo Alto, California. Naturally. Because anybody who knows anything knows that's where you take 500 pound primates you "find" dead in the same hills where they filmed Deliverence. (I can hear the banjo's strumming...damn, boy - you got a purrrtttty mouth....)

But the thing I'm MOST excited about is how this will impact the public perception others have of the fine state of Georgia. We're not ONLY 49th in education. No! We have so much more to offer then that silly, insignificant statistic! We find giant dead primates and stick them in a freezer for a cross country road trip! Woo hoo!!!


Comments

I'm just jealous that it wasn't up here in the sticks of Pennsylvania. No, not the Russians invading, but Sasquatch. He was like one of my childhood heroes. The Incredible Hulk (yeah, the fake Green One a la Lou Ferrigno), The Abominable Snowman and Sasquatch (or er, are they the same thing?). I wish we could have laid claim to discovering his furry ass.

On a serious note, if there can be such a thing after a post like this, your lead-in paragraph was brilliant. Talk about pulling a reader in. You had me at hello.
Chat Blanc said…
you're soooo lucky. we only have giant dead hogs in my state. btw, did Georgia's cumulative IQ go up after the primate truckers left the state? ;)
shyloh said…
You are so lucky. Chicago needs something like that. Great write Bex.
kc said…
I feel you. I'm in Texas, and it seems like anytime something happens here (like the space shuttle exploding), they find the dumbest, most three toothed, inbred red-neck trailer trash in the state to interview for national TV.

"Weeelll, just fell raht out'n t'sky, 'n it wuz hot-n-all, so we just fahred up the grill (mah dawgs did us proud last week)..."

Don't feel bad about Georgia's ranking. Texas, in it's infinite wisdom, is an "abstainance only" state (we can't teach BC in school), so we have the distinction of of being not only number one in teen pregnancy, but in REPEAT teen pregnancies! Nope, our girls don't even need a pact; just some good old sand to stick their heads into!
Deb said…
Sounds like Georgia is Maine South. Or maybe Maine is Georgia North? You have Shane's, we have Cody's. Up here the Cody's shoot their dinner and their sisters are their mothers. It's where men are men, and so aren't the women.

Gotta say, the Georgia-Russia thing was a hilarious!
Alice said…
And with your report that Georgia. is ONLY 49th in education, I am amazed that the state of Maryland was willing to accept my expired Georgia teaching certificate and give me a shiny MD one. Whew!
Bex said…
Unfinished - Thanks for the compliment! I'm all squishy and warm now...

Sandy - Well, I can't speak for everybody but I know I sure felt smarter for a while there.

Shyloh - But Chicago has gangsters! That's WAY sexier than hairy rednecks looking for hairier, imaginary primates.

KC - You know, that abstinence only thing really chaps my ass. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND, PEOPLE. Teens have always and WILL always find ways to do the hippity dippity.

Deb - Do you know I've never met a Cody??? But the similarities do sound striking.

Alice - Congrats on the teaching gig! We could use an enlightened gal such as yourself down here.

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