It's The Tori Horror Show!!!

I try not to be too mean here on the Blog of Bex; I would never want to write something that would be hurtful to another. But sometimes...that gets a bit hard. Particularly when I go to the doctor's office and pick up a People magazine to catch up on my celebrity stuff. I would NEVER actually purchase this magazine because that would make a statement about me that I'm not yet ready to embrace. But when I go to the doctors office I will knock over a geriatric to sift through piles of National Geographics in order to dig up any copy of People I can get my little hands on. In fact, it's a safe bet that if ever say anything about a celebrity I've been to the doctor within the past few days. Just a little Bex Factoid.

ANYWAY...I think that maybe someone slipped me some crazy pills or something. Because I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why Tori Spelling is still around and somewhat famous.

I used to know who she was because she was on that show, 90210. I actually felt kind of bad for her as she doesn't...well, she didn't really seem to have the natural beauty of some of her co-stars. But, frankly, my real beef with her is that her boobs were kind of scary in a "oops, we're deflating", lopsided kind of way.

They just seem kind of, oh, I don't know...lumpy and hard. And I think it's pretty widely accepted that the only reason she had a gig on that show was because her crypt-keeper father was in charge of it.

But then he died and stiffed her in the estate. So I would have thought that she'd have blown away into the wind (albeit in a lopsided twirl due to the fake boobs throwing her off center).

I'd heard that she had some kind of reality TV show but that isn't terribly surprising. In fact I think most B-listers do that on their way out of "the game". So why I had to find this while flipping through a People magazine is beyond me.

At first I thought it was just a breasty drag queen and her gimp, but no, it's Tori and her goofy husband doing a Sonny and Cher impression. Oh. The hilarity. Stop it. My stomach.... Seriously. Please stop. STOP! I don't feel so good....

And then there is this:

I filed this under "Oh, NO you didn't!" Are they really gonna bring Johnny and June CASH into this madness???!

This is the only one that I kind of liked:

But then I immediately felt dirty and bad. I didn't want to like it. It just sort of - happened. The only thing I know for sure is that Tori is going to get her ass kicked if Courtney ever sees it.

Yet all of these pictures are just a warm up to the grand daddy of them all. Its image is so disturbing I find myself averting my eyes from fear that it would steal my soul. Here is what is going to keep me up at night, shivering in the fetal position:

That expression on her face is SO looks like Joan Crawford in a wig. Any minute now she's gonna start whipping me with wire hangers while her husband dances a gay gig across the stage. I may never stop screaming....

Tori and What's Your Name - please stop the madness.

Ok. I'm all done being mean. Until my husband gets home, that is. (Obviously.)


Half-Redneck said…
You are hilarious! I love it.
Tricia said…
She is scary isn't she! :)
Sensei said…
I am ashamed to admit that I watched "Tori and Dean" last night and saw, firsthand, the horrific trainwreck that was their through-the-years music video. I wept and thought to myself, "David Silver would have never let this happen."
Alice said…
I watched exactly one episode of Tori & Dean while folding laundry and ended by wanting to claw her eyes out.

But I've seen far worse in the celebrity world so I'll only claw a little bit.
Stephanie M said…
I can't remember quite what turned me off Tori - if it was the People mag coverage of their private wedding (just Tori, Dean, Official, and photographer- blahhhhh) or Tori's new book: Stori Telling by Tori Spelling. its just too much.
thank you for saving me from reading People at my next Dr. visit! and Tori--*ack*

nuf said
kc said…
I always thought she displayed her boobs in hopes no one would notice her (ahem)unattractive face.

Did you ever see the Lucy/Ricky photos with the Will & Grace people? Debra Messing was DEAD ON as Lucille Ball. But you might've missed it if you were healthy during those weeks.
Sully Sullivan said…
Well, I obviously voiced my opinion about Tori on my blog in my latest post so I won't go over it all again. Either way, she looks like a horse, she can't act, and her tits are horrible.
Meg said…
I personally like feeling dirty and bad.

As for Tori, when we were in LA recently we saw the message of sky writers that read "Welcome home Tori and Dean" two days in a row. It took me a while to figure out who Tori is.

I can't say I like her, but I didn't think her tits were all that bad.
AoE said…
Tori was a "butter head" before the boob job, now she's a "butter everything" ...

Thank God for powerful fathers, or Tori would be serving value meals at McDonalds
Jonny's Mommy said…
That's Dean McDermott you bitch. Back off my man. :-)

Just kidding.

But you are funny. I plan to write one very soon on Brooke Hogan. Yikes! She is a frightening Amazon woman!
Bex said…
Half-redneck - Thanks!

Tricia - Umm..yeah! I just don't get it.

Oh, Sensei. Say it ain't so. But at least you didn't love it.

Alice - YOU watched an episode???'re all about the diversity, eh?

Stephanie M - That's probably exactly it. Too much coverage,too little content.

Sandy - Always a pleasure!

KC - I think you're exactly right. Sadly, her boobs are not distracting enough. Not by a long shot. I love Debra Messing and do remember her as Lucy...she nailed it!

Sully - Yet another excellent recap. And dead on, I might add. There is something very equine about her.

Meg! Umm...HELLOOO.... her tits are totally that bad!

AOE - Butter head, eh? That's a new term for me. But it sounds about right.

Johnny's Mommy - Eh, who??? He is kind of cute IF you can get past that very distracting boil on his arm.

An entry on Brooke Hogan is destined for great things! I look forward to reading it!
blewknight said…
OMG the "Lucy" one is over the edge!
Kat said…
It's not RIGHT.
Lucille Ball was BEAUTIFUL, and Tori Spelling must have been something Candy scraped off of the bottom of a table at Sizzler.
Scarily enough, I realized that a friend and I had been inadvertently planning our halloween costumes around a few of the same couples that the Scary Spelling and her husband dressed up as.

Does that make me as lame as them?
Jormengrund said…
YOu know, when I finally get my chance at fame, I want to play "dress up" with my wife, and pretend that I'm really someone else who IS famous!

That way, maybe the people looking at me in the picture will forget that I'm a total HACK!

That's my complete rationale for her antics, and I'll stand by them.

I'm out.

Popular posts from this blog

Every woman's dream - a homemade MacGyver vibrator (with the optional mullet attachment)

The Wild and Wonderful World of Animal Butts

Florida: The Good. The Bad. The Holy SHIT!!!