Go with the flow...

I have some very interesting news. It's kind of gross. And if you are married to me you don't want to know the following information. So kindly go click elsewhere (but remember that we're having steak and martini's tonight - so don't forget to come home!).

Guess who got her very first period???

Can you guess? You know it isn't me.... But I have two daughters, right? Could it be one of them??? Nope...it's THE FUCKING DOG.

She's not a baby anymore....


What a cruel, cruel joke. I have three little kids and I saw little spatters of blood throughout my house. I began freaking out and looking for cut off fingers in the corners of the house and under the sofa to no avail. Further, I couldn't find the bleeder and nobody was crying. Then Honey (or, as she'll be known from now on - THE FUCKING DOG, or TFD for short) walks by me leaving little plops of blood in her wake. Fan-fucking-tastic.

So the girls start freaking out and I explained to them what it means and that we'll need to get TFD fixed ASAP as she came from a litter of NINE puppies and that would push hubby over the edge of sanity. Thing One started crying because we're "denying TFD the chance to be a mommy". I say I'm ENABLING the chance that she will continue to live with us here at the house. Besides, at this point I feel like I'm helping her out. I'm gonna stick my neck out and take a guess that having nine offspring isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

I began wondering about how long her cycle would last so I spent a little bit of time on Google which is where I saw this:




At first I thought that they were some crotchless fetish panties from Victoria's Secret or something. But then I saw that these are "Satin Dog Panties". All you do is put a panty liner in them and you're little girl is ready to go! They are $20 a piece! Sorry, but I REFUSE to buy TFD underwear that costs more than MINE did.

Here is the other thing. I've just started my period, too. You know how they say that women who spend time together often times menstruate together? Well I'm now wondering if that isn't true for all mammals, rather than just humans as I had previously thought. So does this mean that all of the female squirrels living in my yard are currently pissed off at their mates, craving chocolate and have stomach cramps?? Hmmm....



Hopefully it's NOT true for those who blog together. If so, it's gonna be kind of bitchy at humor-blogs for a few days....

Comments

Beck said…
I guess you and TFD are bitches! Ha! I had four sisters... get the dog fixed, you don't want anyone fighting over the last piece of dark chocolate. You're funny
Alice said…
How did I get through life without knowing that dogs have periods? WOW! And I'll pass on my mom's advice for everything - take a Midol.
Marie said…
We had a dachsund when I was a kid that started her period when my sister was 12 and I was 10. It never occurred to me what my mom must have thought when she saw little trails of blood across the kitchen.
damon said…
Sooo, you have a bloodhound?
what's a donzer said…
Ohmygod! My mom bought our pomeranian a LEATHER pad holder when I was a kid. We looked like sicko bestial fetishists. Dog periods are the WORST! Funny joke, God! I am now wondering about the statistics on men in this world who do the doggie pad changing. Not to be sexist, but I can't help but think that women get the bloody end of this stick, too.
Bex said…
Beck - I prefer Biotch. But yeah. Ooooh...chocolate. Yo quiero.

Alice - You've probably heard it called "in heat". We just call it "pretty damn gross". I'm out of Midol but am shaking the Aleve bottle as I type.

Marie - I just knew that someone had cut off his/her finger and was hiding in a corner because they didn't want to get in trouble. So, in that regard, I'm glad I was wrong. BUT, it's still pretty disgusting.

Damon - DUDE! Gross. But...yes, I think we do.

Donzer - leather panties for a pomeranian?! Wow. I think I may have trouble sleeping tonight, now that I know that this exits. Was your dog a bad ass? I'm thinking that you have to be a bad ass to wear leather underwear. Pomeranian or not. Right??
what's a donzer said…
she was definitely a badass. :)
Kimberly said…
I seem to recall friends of ours just cutting a tail hole in a regular old baby diaper and sticking it on the dog.
Bex said…
Donzer - A badass Pomeranian. I would pay GOOD money to see that!

Kimberly - Your friend sounds like a friggin' genius to me. I don't even like dealing with my own periods, never mind the dog. And then, of course, will come the two daughters one of these days. Sigh.
Jonny's Mommy said…
Ok. My Sister-in-law has been telling me to check out this blog. I finally did and the first post I hit is about this..and coincidentally, I just started too.

Not that I want to share too much, but yet...I just did. It's just that thing about the bloggers who blog together and ... well, just odd.

Anyhooo...like the blog.

-- Jonny's Mommy (Lisa)
Jonny's Mommy said…
Crap.

I'm an idiot. Just realized this was posted on April 17.

Duh!

OK. So I didn't start at the same time...

I'm going to go skulk away now.
Bex said…
Lisa - Hi! If it makes you feel any better, I'm just now finishing up mine...so we're still practically related! So no skulking, please!
leigh said…
i've said this a million times, and i'm saying it again. there will NEVER be a dog in my house.

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