Hoping for a Housekeeper

I don't have a housekeeper which is unfortunate as I suck at cleaning stuff. And this is why I live vicariously through my friends and neighbors housekeeping experiences. And as soon as someone comes to my blog and spends millions on my Amazon.com link then I'll be able to afford somebody. Ooops. Does that make me sound bitter??? Cuz I'm not. Just click on my humor-blogs link to nowhere and I'll be happy.

Anyway, on to today's topic. There is one lady who cleans for the majority of the neighborhood. She's from Brazil and doesn't speak any English.

The funny thing is that she doesn't speak any Spanish, either. She speaks Portuguese, which is what most people from her country speak. But some folks in my hood just seems to ignore that fact and continue to speak to her in either broken high school Spanish or in slow English that is this loud.

It must kind of suck to be so misunderstood. It's bad enough that scraping your husbands errant urine off of the toilet is in her job description. Of course she always has the option of learning a little bit of English so that she can say,

"Listen, Lady. I have two things to tell you: ONE - I speak PORTUGUESE. Which is NOT Spanish. Which means that when you use pigeon Spanish on me like "como es usted?" I think that that you are sort of stupid and obviously don't give a shit that in my country one would say "como e voce" if they wanted to know how you are today. Also? When you don't speak a language it is not at all helpful to have someone shrieking it at you. I'm not DEAF.

And here is my second issue - tell your pig of a husband that he needs to have his prostate checked as it just isn't possible that a healthy one would be so incapable of actually shooting the urine INTO the toilet. COMPRENDE???"

Still...I'd love to have a housekeeper. Yo quiero...

Here is that helpful little humor-blogs link in case you missed it above.

Pervy McPervert strikes again!

When I was a kid I used to make the occasional prank call. But then I turned 13 and decided that it was a fairly retarded way to spend ones time. I've also received a few "heavy breathing" calls in my day. My mom finally bought us a whistle and said that whenever "he" called that we were to blow the whistle as loud as we could into the phone. That worked although I do wish she had specified that before blowing the whistle I should take the receiver away from my head as my ear made this weird ringing noise for days afterward. But it got rid of the pervert. It's a new day, however, and perverts must be looking for new ways to annoy us. Twice today someone has texted a picture to me. I have no idea who he is or what the hell he wants. But he must think that I don't know that sometimes shirtless men squeeze their arms against their chest to give the appearance that they actually have biceps when, in fact, their arms really look like toothpicks that are broke

And The Winner Is...

I have some very exciting news. For the first time ever the Blog of Bex is giving out an award . Yes, I know. I can feel my heart pounding, too. I will call it the Bite My Ass Award (BMAA) and I'm sure it will be coveted. Now you might be wondering just who will be the lucky recipient. Could it be Diesel, the mastermind of Humor-Blogs and Mattress Police , who - for reasons unknown to me - revamped the scoring system and and reset my score to zero? Nope. This action has actually mysteriously seemed to work in my favor. I'm sure it's temporary. ANYWAY, on to the big news. I hereby give my BMAA to this guy: Handsome little fucker, isn't he? His name is James Jackson, IV and his friends call him Jay. I like to call him Fucktard because I believe that your name should say something about the kind of guy you are. And he's a total fucktard. What, you may wonder, did he do to generate such ire from me? Well I'm so glad you asked. He owns two boutiques in suburban At

The Dunkin Donuts Dilemna

I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???! So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I know what you are thinking...WHY??! We very anxiously wanted to travel for a little bit of more pain - AKA my 20th High School reunion. Maybe more on that later... As if this all weren't bad enough, my husband and I had been to a party the night before and I had just the slightest headache. So I needed coffee and like all reasonable people I went to the Dunkin Donuts because their coffee is THE BEST coffee anywhere! Starbucks can kiss my lilly white! But I digress... So I get in the l

The Blog of Bex

Search This Blog