Other People's Kids

I've never been a huge fan of other peoples kids (OPK). I guess I'm just an ass that way. Other women talk about their biological clock going off whenever there is an infant around. I must be a mutant as I am most definitely missing THAT gene. (Thankfully.) So when you've just had a baby and you want ME to hold the baby and I say "No, thanks" I'm not just being polite. I really don't want to hold the baby. I'll do it if you need to go cop a squat on the can or something, but I'm not dying to hold your kid. Nothing personal.

Today I took Thing Three to check out a preschool in my area. He's two now and I think it's about time he learn how to search and destroy in someone else's shit for a while. We were on The Tour when I noticed two little girls sitting primly on their little carpets. I didn't like them already. They had hair bows like this:

I had the urge to tap them on shoulder and say, "Hey. Nellie Olson called from Little House on the Prairie. She wants her ribbons back." I mean REALLY. If the ribbon is big enough to propel a helicopter then it is too big for your kids hair. Period. There should be some kind of equation for this kind of stuff for the people who don't know any better. It'd look like this:

If bow = > 0.5(head circumference), then bow = TOO FUCKING BIG

And Another Thing...

The other thing that pissed me off is they had a sign up that someone in the class had a peanut allergy therefore nobody could have anything with peanuts in it for lunch. When the hell did this crazy logic start??? If your kid is deathly allergic to peanuts then I think you need to teach him not to eat anything with peanuts in it. And if he's so allergic that being in the same air as a PB&J would kill him then you need to either send him to school in a plastic bubble or keep him at home. Or maybe start a Happy To Be Peanut Free School for the Nut Challenged. But to impact the lunch choices of 19 other kids in the class? Bite my ass, please.

I guess I'm done bitching. For the moment. Until the next time.

Sent to humor-blogs for shits and giggles.


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Alice said…
I'm going to use everything in my power to introduce your most awesome bow equation into my math classes next year.
I'm not sure how I can top that awesome comment left by transplante de cabelo but here goes....

When you said OPK I immediately started singing that OPP song in my head but it went like this:
"You down with OPK?"
"Not Me, NO WAY!"
Bex said…
Shall I call you Transplante or Cabelo? Anyway...thanks....

Alice - You know, I always thought I sucked at math. And then I thought up that equation all by myself in, like, a second. So now I'm thinking that I'm pretty damn sharp!! It was your garden variety epiphany. Anyway, I hope your students are up for math at my level. It's not for wussies.... ;)
Bex said…
EWBL - hahahaha...I think you're at the top of the heap! All together now...WTF was that? Anyhoo, I am embarrassingly familiar with the song and am even now, as I type, humming it in my head. So thanks for that. But I do like the way you rhymed "K" with "way". Brilliant!

Earlier today it was the Humpty Dance rattling through my noggin: "And in a 69 my humpty nose will tickle your rear! My nose is big, nu-uh, I'm not ashamed. Big like a pickle, I'm still gettin' paid. I get laid by the ladies, I'm living large: both how I'm living and my nose is large!" ...ahhh...it just feels better saying it out loud. I think it's what they refer to as an "instant classic" in the biz. Booyah!
Shieldmaiden96 said…
I'm apparently a worse person than you, because I don't care for OPK and I don't have K of my own. I love my nephews, but I hate when people shove a tiny drooling crumbsnatcher at me because they ASSUME I want to SMELL ITS HEAD.

I'm sorry. I went on an ambulance transfer with a 19 month old last night and she screamed for most of the 80 miles.
Marie said…
I totally agree on the peanut thing.

I make hair bows, but they are quite small, never fear. ;)

I also never got that baby contagion thing. Other people's kids drive me crazy. In fact I will not babysit others people's kids under any circumstances. Mine are scary enough, TYVM.
Bee said…
You know what cracked me up? That you, a mom, said something a biological clock!

The only kid I'll carry is my sister's (and brothers' if they ever have any) but I don't see a baby and think 'awww'.

Puppies on the other hand...

I have never in my 35 years heard it even chime accidentally so I like that you, A MOM, feels the same way!

On a serious note, a little kid just died over here because he grabbed a crayon that some other kid used who'd just eaten peanuts. I don't have a "right here" but that gave me chills.
Bex said…
Maiden - dude, I KNOW. They do that shit to me, too. WHY would I want to smell your kids head?! As you know I have kids. And it's true that I love the way they smell (weird, no?). But I've never smelled someone else's kid that smells good to me. I guess it's natures way of making sure I don't kill and eat my young. But someone else's young? TOTALLY fair game.

Marie - As the mother of two girls we have a huge drawer dedicated to bows and ribbons. BUT there are no ribbons in this house that would obscure someone's face.

Bee - That sucks about the kid in your area. And maybe I'm a jerk for saying this but if my kid had a life and death allergy like that I'm pretty sure I'd keep him out of places where his health could be compromised. Of course that would mean that he couldn't go anywhere. Movie Theaters, the mall, Grocery Stores, Target, Amusement Parks - they all have peanut related items.

As for the biological clock, yeah, it never happened to me either. And I was most certainly NOT motivated by OPK's!!!
Steph said…
OMG you are so right about those Freaking ribbons!!!
Deb said…
Long time reader, first time commenter. :-)

I am soooo with you on OPK. I like my kid (a lot) and various other kids on a case-by-case basis, but as a collective entity? Not.

And I'm perfectly capable of admiring the marvelous beauty and cuteness of somebody else's baby, but I really don't care to hold them. That said, I don't think I ever put my own daughter down before she was two, so it's not that I can't hold a baby; I only want to hold MY baby.

And your bow equation is too freakin' hilarious. :-)
Bex said…
Steph - HI! I find that when a little girl has a ginormous bow on her head I'll watch her toddle around, struggling underneath the weight of it. I'll be shaking my head, much in the same way I would if she were smoking something. It's just WRONG.

Deb - Well hello there! OPK. (The other, other white meat.) I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who isn't into that...I always feel like a freak or something when they are passing the baby around and I pass on the chance to hold her, choosing instead to hit the bar. But you've got to have priorities, right?? Thanks for the comment!

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