Toilet Tendencies

My kids believe that I am omnipotent. And to be honest I don't have a problem with their misconception. I find it to be helpful in many cases. Here is an example of my power - I can walk into any bathroom in my home and tell who the last kid in there was.

I know what you're thinking...HOW do I DO it??? I'm going to break my code of silence and tell you my secrets.

OK. Here goes:

If it was Thing One I'll know it was her as the toilet will not be flushed and there will be enough toilet paper on top of the water to create a nest for Big Bird.


I think the "H" stands for "HEY! Why don't you try FLUSHING that fucker?!"

If Thing Two was the last one in the bathroom there will be yellow water and an impressively sized dump in it. No toilet paper whatsoever. She's not a flusher either, for the record. I guess she could be using toilet paper like this...



...but I can also go into the laundry room at any given time and easily point out which panties she has worn. 'Nuff said.

Thing Three is still in diapers. Ironically he is the only kid in the house who does flush the toilets. Unfortunately he does this chronically and without cause or reason. Possibly he has seen me going through the house in the morning on my daily Turds in the Unflushed Toilet Patrol and is mimicking my behavior. Happily he doesn't repeat the running commentary which is usually something like, "Well, I'd better go look in the girls bathroom...JESUS CHRIST. Is it SO hard to flush the fucking toilet?! WHY must they leave this for ME to find. I was in labor for three damn days and THIS is how they repay me???! While I'm up here I'd better go check the guest room toilet, too...OH MY HOLY HELL...."

Thing Three follows me around and watches with interest as I flush his sisters shits. He also seizes this golden opportunity to use every single toothbrush that he finds on the way. I'm not really sure what his deal is with the toothbrush fetish. But, as I've already pointed out, there are worse tendencies he could have.

When you click HERE a toilet flushes at Humor-Blogs headquarters! Try it....

Comments

the frogster said…
Just like to take this opportunity to point out that, even though I have numerous failings, I have NEVER in the 17ish years I've lived with my wife, EVER left the toilet seat up.

And I'm not one of those pee-all-over-the-seat-whilst-it's-down types, either.
kcar said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
kcar said…
Yes, we have the same thing in our home although the key indicator is the size of the turd. My son lays the biggest turds known to man. Stop up the toilet almost every time. I think to myself, how could such a huge turd come out of something that only weighs 48 pounds soaking wet!

Frogster - you are a good man! Can you come train a guy I work with. For weeks we have made loud remarks about the seat being left up and dribbles on the rim and floor. We sent a building wide email reminding folks of unisex bathroom etiquette. One girl even sang him the "please be neat and wipe the seat" song. I think the next step will be to put some Cheerios in the there so he can use those for a target. It worked for my 3 year old so hopefully it will work for a 63 year old! Please tell me if you have any other ideas...
leigh said…
bwahahahaha! this made me laugh so hard. we must have the same kids. i find unflushed poop that's been fermenting upstairs all the time.
VE said…
Boy, you nailed that one...unlike my son who must be be into floor urine as an art form...
Bee said…
(:-O
I have no children.

Can you tell when your husband has been in there?
Marie said…
I found a floater in the toilet yesterday, unaccompanied by tp, and I thought of you.
lillinda said…
Wait til you have to take care of your elderly dad and all he wants to do is tell you about his last BM !! In the waiting room at the doctors office of all places !
I don't know who can embarrass me more, the 12 yo or the 77 yo ! LOL
The Stinker said…
LOLOLOLOL

Your kids remind me of my own.
April said…
ROFLMAO! very funny post
Bex said…
Frog - You are SUCH a stud. Me likey...

Kcar - My middle kid has giganto poops sometimes. She'll name the kind that she has like, "Look, Mom, that's a snake poopie" or "Look at my turtle poop, Mom". I am REALLY proud of her....

Leigh - Sigh. I know exactly what you mean. I can smell these before I see them. So gross...

VE - I haven't begun potty training my little man and I think this might be why. I don't want pee everywhere. Call me crazy...

Bee - Umm...yes, I can. Whenever I open the door after he's been in there my nose starts to bleed and the wallpaper is trying to remove itself to another room. He's dead sexy!!

Marie - Is it weird that I'm flattered you thought of me? Hopefully my middle daughter hasn't been sneaking off and leaving stealth dumps in other peoples toilets.

Lillinda - Yep, I have a dad, too. His thing is farting in public. He'll do it (LOUDLY) and then say, "Hey...did you guys see that duck??" Oh, the hilarity.

Stinker - I guess they all have their little weird things, huh?

April - Thanks! :))) I really appreciate that!

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