The Truth About Balls

I happen to be a big fan of vasectomy's. In fact the only issue I see with them is that not enough people get them. Even worse is the problem that the guys who do get them are the ones who have good, strong qualities that are worthy of being passed down to future generations. The other guys - you know the ones I mean - propagate their species like there is no tomorrow and produce legions of lazy, abusive and, far worse, unattractive children.

My point is, men who step up to the plate and get a vasectomy are heroic. Really. And I've become a little bit fixated on the matter ever since one of my friends told me about his experience. He said that he was led into a FREEZING examination room. (That just seems mean, doesn't it?) He was a little bit nervous and sat there twiddling his thumbs. Eventually a very large female nurse came in and invited him to remove his pants and underwear. He was instructed to sit on a METAL table in the cold room - pantsless. Here is where the weird thing happened...she - without appropriate warning, mind you - grabbed the end of his penis and PULLED it (like I said, it was a very cold room). She then duct taped it to his leg, leaving him to think WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! She never explained the purpose. In fact, she never even said, "So. How's it going?" or "Listen, man, brace yourself as I'm getting ready to try to find your penis which will have retracted itself into your stomach as it's cold as hell in here. Then? I'll yank it really hard and tape it to your leg. And, go."

She must have sensed his need for retrospection as she left him alone in the room - for 30 minutes - naked in a cold room with his dick taped to his leg. While he was sitting there he was trying to imagine why this action might have been necessary. The procedure is done on the balls. Was his package so enormous that they were worried it would be in the way? Maybe the guy before him got an erection and they now tape that shit down to prevent something similar from happening and embarrassing everyone? I really want to know. And this is why, every time I meet someone who has had a vasectomy I ask my question, "So...did anyone grab your junk and duct tape it to your leg??"

I have yet to have anyone else say yes. SO. Where does that leave us? Should my friend sue? Leave a tip for above and beyond service?

Please either turn your head and cough OR click on the humor-blogs link here. I'd guess that, after a week of being on vacation my ranking is somewhere below the Save the Dust Mites Blog.


Bee said…
You mean this didn't turn him on? Ha! I guess my hubs is into some freaky deaky shit!

Listen, we gals have to have things shoved up our coochie just to make sure we're healthy, men deserve some discomfort! ;op
Beck said…
I thought the photo you used with the post was sooo funny. So that's what they look like naked and middle aged! Ha!
Alice said…
Ehh...I went ahead and had my plumbing ripped out and it's been AWESOME.

Bee - I appreciate your use of the word "coochie" since that's what GirlChild and I use. Can't wait for her to hit sex ed and find out that that is not the technically correct word. Sort of like finding out about Santa.
Jeff said…
No. They did NOT tape my unit to my leg. They did NOT use enough anesthetic for my surgery either, but that's a different story.
Theresa said…
Come on, guys can't complain. It's far more complicated for us women to have our tubes tied. I think having his dick taped to his leg for 30 minutes is the least a guy can do, especially if his wife has gone through the equivalent of pushing a watermelon though a hole the size of a donut.
Bex said…
Bee - I've always pegged Andy as a Freak. And I totally agree...we have the kids. They can sit on a bag of frozen pees for a day.

Beck - It's actually yarn. But it looked...appropriate somehow. Glad you like it!

Alice - I thought about it but chickened out. But now I am SO sick of the monthly cycle...I am thinking perhaps I should have.

Jeff - I know. WHY did they do it?? I'm thinking about getting the name of the doctor and calling to ask. Because I REALLY want to know. Maybe it's a practical joke and they do it to guys to see if one of them says, "No way, Jack. Get that shit off my hose."

Theresa - You've got that right. They have to impregnate us and then bring us ice chips and try not to say anything stupid while we're in labor. It really is the least they could do. OFF WITH THEIR BALLS!
what's a donzer said…
Wow. Is it strange that I so want to try this duct taping trick on my husband this weekend? I've got to think up a way to keep him in our freezing ass bathroom so he can't get out for half an hour, and of course I'll need to set up some cameras. But, this sounds like my kind of Saturday night!
honjii said…
I actually asked to and was allowed to watch my ex get his vasectomy. Unfortunately they didn't tape his dick to his leg, it just laid politely limp and off to the side. He stayed in bed with the ice bag and whined for a week. Try pushing a kid out and being up to take care of it the next day.

After watching one vasectomy, a very simple procedure, I now consider myself an expert and whenever anyone mentions the possibility of getting one I offer to do it. If I ever have any takers I will definitely use the duct tape method.
Marie said…
The only guy I personally know that had a V left it way too late. By the time he had it done he'd had 15 children with 12 different women, and flames tattooed on his penis. One of those.

I'm debating on whether or not I should put Brad under the laser. I mean, I wanted to stop at one, and now I'm pg with #3? And yes we were using bc!
damon said…
Men all over the blogosphere just crossed their legs - tightly.

Hey I guess if you're going to cut into the twins you might as well bring the duct tape.

Bex said…
Donzer - So. Did you do it?

Honjii - I would imagine that the penis getting out of control during the surgery would be the least of the problems during surgery. The thing that cracks me up most about this is that he just sat there like that for 30 minutes. I wonder what he would have done if they'd wanted to stick a twig up his ass at the same time. He sounds like a pretty docile guy....

Marie - 15 kids! Jeez. I guess I'd better quit bitching about three! (Which is actually not that bad, BTW.) As for the V, I've never met a guy who regretted doing it.

Damon - Yeah, it curled my toes, too. And not in a good way.

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