The Camel Toe (and other crimes against nature)

There are few things in this world that I just completely loathe. Snakes are at the top of the list. As is the piece of gristle I always seem to find when eating hotdogs and hamburgers (what the fuck is that thing anyway?! A knuckle?? A nipple?? A ::gulp:: toe nail or something??! WAIT. Don't tell me. I can't handle the truth.).

But just as offensive as the above has to be the dreaded camel toe. For my mother (and any other readers who don't know about this phenomenon) I will explain. Here is what the toe of a camel looks like:



A camel toe is found on women who have their pants crammed impossibly up their hoohah's and there is a visible crack. You can clearly see the outline of their junk. You may even, dependent on a good light source, be able to screen for genital warts and other physical abnormalities. (Note: my husband said that this was too gross to print. But I did it anyway. I've always been an ass when it comes to that kind of stuff. I really have no idea why he married me. Except for the very fact that I rock. Back to the camels...)

Pretty much the only time it's ok to have a camel toe is if you look like this:

If you look like this, you will be forgiven but everyone will still laugh about it behind your back.


Of course if you're a woman of a "certain age" and choose to wear a subcutaneous skin-tight cat suit some might deem it less of a "Camel Toe" and more of a "Cougar Track". You be the judge.


This...there is NO excuse for (bless her heart).



If your hoohah looks like the ass of an average sized man...it might be time to lay off the twinkies. (I'm just sayin'....)

If you believe in working towards a Camel Toe Free Society, click here! And if you don't believe in my society then you really need to begin researching some kind of a 12 step program for why you are so fucked up. There might be other people out there like you and you should go and find them.


A Camel Free Link to Humor-Blogs is RIGHT HERE! It's just that easy, folks!

Comments

April said…
i'm with you on this one, i mean do these broads look in the mirror before they step out into the world!? well i can only thank them for the entertainment they provide!
Alice said…
Are you happy now? I'm blind. Take down that very large woman in pink before someone else is injured.

(Why isn't the camera man putting a little black square up on that?)
Marie said…
I've seen that moose knuckle pic. Have you seen the prosthetic camel toes you can buy?

In FL there was an area of the main street in my town that was a hot spot for hookers. I was driving through there one night when I saw a middle-aged woman with a poodle-perm and the most pronounced camel toe I'd ever seen, swinging a glow-stick in front of her crotch. What has been seen cannot be unseen.
Sue said…
LOL - I never knew the va-jay-jay was capable of "gaining weight".
Shieldmaiden96 said…
I am told by another blogger that what you see there isn't camel toe, its um, 'gunt'. Which is that bulbous thingy between the gut and...well...you get the picture.
I think the hoo-ha in that case is waaaay back out of the way and not being bisected by anything.

*shudder*
catherinette said…
Know what's even worse? Male camel toe. It's a proven scientific fact that looking at it will make your eyes bleed.
Bex said…
April - I am no expert. But I'd really like to believe that I would totally be able to feel my clothing crammed up my front.

Alice - My eyes have been bleeding all day long. It's just too much.

Marie - I have not seen the prosthetic camel toes. It would make for a funny halloween costume, though. Hmmmm.... As for your hooker, I don't know what to say. I also don't know what is more sad: dressing up that way in hopes of catching a "date" for the night or being the guy who sees her and thinks, "Yummy. I gotta get me some of that...."

Sue - Yep, that's one fat cooter. I wonder if penises get fat like that. Huh.

Shuddering Shieldmaiden - I don't know, man, that is one DEEP crevice. It has to lead to somewhere, you know??

Catherinette - I can't say I've ever seen it. Not that I'm asking to see it. But if you know the answer to the question about whether or not a penis can get fat I'm all ears...but purely just for scientific reasons.
Cara said…
Thanks for that, Bex. While I am completely grossed out by this, I suddenly feel svelte and beautiful. You have indirectly made my day.
Bear Naked said…
Bring back the muumuu in fashion.
Please Lord!!!!!!!!
Bex said…
Cara - Well that's good news! Whenever I'm feeling down about myself I go to a Water Park and - BAM - suddenly I feel like a super model. I don't know what it is about super gross, old and fat people who lose all decorum and self-respect in water parks. I once saw a grandmother in a macrame string bikini while waiting in line for a slide. She had a HUGE beer belly, stretch marks, the whole 9 yards. And her boobs looked like old tube socks with little elasticity, hanging down her front. I quickly looked away but, as Marie pointed out, what has been seen cannot be unseen. No matter how badly you want it.

Bear Naked - Ah yes, the muumuu. I can't wear those as I'm tall and have big boobs. I would look like a planet and would worry that things would start trying to orbit me. And I have enough shit going on right now without THAT. The thing that gets me about the camel toe girls is that it must be super uncomfortable. I mean, just wearing thong underwear for a day gets me feeling kind of chaffed. I cannot imagine walking around all day with my pants crammed up my front.
leigh said…
bex - this is just wrong on so many levels. the hubs was reading this and snorted bourbon and coke out of his nose. well done!
Mongoliangirl said…
My friends and I acknowledged getting older when, instead of asking, 'Does this make my ass look big', we started asking, 'Does this make me have a camel toe?'
Diesel said…
I would like to request that you do your next post about headlights.
Bex said…
Mongolian Girl - That's hilarious!

Diesel - Done. Anything for you, Sire.
Simon said…
that no toe its a moose knuckle

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