You can roll a roto to your friend....

One day, when my first kid was about six months old, she puked. I totally freaked out because I was a first time parent and, well, that's just what we do. I took her immediately to the doctors where she and I sat in the full waiting room and took stock of the all of the germ filled, snotty nosed kids with horror. This place was like a giant petri dish, just waiting to dole out the plague.

Suddenly I felt like I had been hit in the face with a shovel - someone had taken a crap that made frat boy beer shits seem tame. My nose was like, "Fuck it, Dude - I'm outta here." and quit working for the rest of the day, forcing me to sound like Darth Vader with my heavy mouth breathing.

It was unbelievable. Even though I could tell that it wasn't our brand, I checked my kids diaper to prove (to myself and every other mom in the room) that we had not produced it.

To my amazement nobody took their kid for a diaper change. There was a heavy green fog just hanging in the air. Finally, we were called back to the examining room. On my way out I shot an angry look at the remaining parents. Somebody out there was a total asshole for letting their kid funk up an entire room with such a nasty diaper.

The doctor examined her and asked a few questions about her illness. After a while he said, "I wonder if it isn't Rotovirus. Has she had any diarrhea?" I said no, but what the hell is a Rotovirus?!

He told me that it is a fairly common childhood illness. Typically the kid will vomit once but it's hallmark is that it produces the most heinous diarrhea ever. The smell is unmistakable. At that very moment - as if on cue - it sounded like someone shot a cannon of foam into my kids diaper. About three seconds later the smell oozed across us. My doctor had an involuntary gag reflex and fled the room making a weird hairball noise on his way out.

Her Pampers was no match for the rotovirus and her entire outfit was put into the garbage before we left. Sometimes you just know that no matter what you do, this will never again be clean enough to wear. As I changed the Diaper of Death, I kept gagging, too. It was by far the worst thing I've ever smelled. I slowly realized that this was a very similar funk to the one in the waiting room. My kid must have fired off a warning shot fart to let me know of the impending doom. She has always been a very thoughtful kid....

As I was packing up my stuff three nurses showed up in Haz Mat suits and began spraying down our room. On our way out I noticed that they literally shut down the wing of the building we had been in for fumigation.

And this, Boys and Girls, is just one of the many, many horrific and/or embarrassing stories I have that I use to justify why I make such grandiose Mother's Day requests.

Comments

Steph said…
haha I'm sure you're kid is going to be super stoked years from now to read this:)

and shouldn't the pediatrician be immune to those type of smells? I'm just sayin...
Liz C said…
Oh, those stories are pure gold! My daughter's 25 and she hates it when I pull those out of my bag. I'm on Facebook now too - sometimes I post her old school pix.

Payback is hell, kids.
;)
Heinous said…
Heh, noob pediatrician.

We have it even better where we will be able to show our children how people commented on the stories.
Jormengrund said…
It's best in these type of situations to make sure you leave the offending diaper in an area where EVERYONE can enjoy it.

I mean, your kid worked so hard at filling it, that you should take the initiative to post it like one of their little drawings at school.

Now, don't go hanging it on the fridge, but at least dump it in a communal garbage can where it can aerate enough to leave a lasting impression in the local area!
Sully Sullivan said…
Well this was thoroughly disgusting, but also hilarious. it's a wash.

Nice to finally read your work again.
Slick said…
Aww damn, thanks for the laugh!

That was too freakin' funny :)

So uh, did you go back to the waiting room and apologize to all those parents for the look of death you gave them earlier?
Merrie said…
Stop it -- I can't take all the laughing! HAHAHA

I do not miss diapers.

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