Skip to main content

Lego Flooring Sucks: An Open Letter to Target and Costco


Dear Target and Costco:

I have spent fortunes in your stores. In fact, I visit so often that my 3 year old son calls you "Popcorn" and "Hot Dog", respectively, because those are the rewards he gets if he's a good little monkey while we shop in your store.

So listen, I have a question for you guys. Whose bright idea was it to put those fucking red bumps outside of your doors? You know the ones I mean, right? The crippling ones on the floor that regularly break my eggs and cause my son, who is still sitting in your cart on our way into the parking lot, to grimace in pain as his testicles are pounded back into his stomach and beyond. Yes, those red bumps.

I would really love to meet the brain trust who thought that these might be a good idea. Seriously - what the fuck?! They practically shake me to my knees, knock my shit around in the cart and hurt my feet through my shoes. What possible good purpose could they have???

As if all of that weren't enough, I am a woman of a certain age. And in case you missed the memo, we don't like to be uncontrollably shaken when standing upright. I'll not go into any further detail, other than to say that it has to do with the back of our arms and our necks. Of course, the only thing worse than personally going over the bumps is being behind an obese person trying to make their way through it. I'm surprised that my eyes aren't bleeding.

So please, be good little stewards of commerce and give Lego their red flooring back before someone gets hurt by the back bacon of a fat chick.

Sincerely,

Bex


Comments

Dog Breath said…
I've been to two costcos in CA and they both have those red bumps.

Maybe the commerce whore that is costco has herpes?
Jormengrund said…
They only keep those bumps there to make sure that any breakables you're trying to sneak out of the store don't make it home in one piece..

The only problem is that they haven't yet figured out how to stop it from breaking all of the stuff you bought legally..

But they're willing to deal with that in order to save that $2.50 in costs!
Jessica said…
I hate to break it to you guys...but those little red bumps are for the seeing impaired. When they run their canes over those bumps, they know they are either near the edge of a sidewalk or near an entrance way of a door.
Bex said…
Dog Breath - If only I could put a condom on the bottom of my cart and be 98% guaranteed unaffected.

Jormengrund - I don't know...but I hate it.

Jessica - That surprises me. The seeing impaired are so sensitive ... why would they need such a wide and deep "field of alert"? Plus? I'm going to assume that they wouldn't drive themselves home, right? So then there should be someone with them to help guide.

And then, if these were being used nationally wouldn't they put those on every "field of entry" onto any street??? I don't know ... it doesn't make sense to me.
Anonymous said…
Here in my east coast enclave, we don't have those fields of nipples at the entrances or exits of TarJay or Costco stores.

We have them on some sidewalk curb cuts and on the subway platforms but that is because the gov't is paying for them.

Cheers
Anonymous said…
Dear Bex,

Those "red bumps" as you call them significantly increase our repeat egg sales. They also seem to increase sales in the women's support product department.

These things help Target's bottom line. And face it, if Target doesn't make profit, then there won't be any Target shopping for you or your popcorn and hotdog scarfing progeny.

So get over it.

Sincerely,

Gregg Steinhafel
CEO, Target
Anonymous said…
You can buy eggs at Target? I had no idea.

Popular posts from this blog

The Dunkin Donuts Dilemna

I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???! So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I know what you are thinking...WHY??! We very anxiously wanted to travel for a little bit of more pain - AKA my 20th High School reunion. Maybe more on that later... As if this all weren't bad enough, my husband and I had been to a party the night before and I had just the slightest headache. So I needed coffee and like all reasonable people I went to the Dunkin Donuts because their coffee is THE BEST coffee anywhere! Starbucks can kiss my lilly white! But I digress... So I get in the l...

My Marvelous Mammaries

At the risk of increasing my "Weird-O" and "Pervy" visitors ( - love you guys), I was thinking about writing about breastfeeding today. Because nobody ever tells you the Real Deal about this stuff. And that's just wrong. So. When I was pregnant with my first kid I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'll probably breastfeed her. I mean, I have the hooters and everything, so why not??" Truth be told, I thought that it would be a very natural and beautiful thing that she and I would both embrace with maternal-bondish delight. So imagine my surprise when it HURT like a MOTHER FUCKER. Every time she would latch on my toes would curl in pain. The lactation consultants were very encouraging in a cheerleader kind of way, "Yes!! That's WONDERFUL! Look at that latch - you're a genius!!!" But I didn't feel like a genius. I felt like a moron who just couldn't get the idea without going to some intensive courses on the matter. And my kid seemed...

Light a match!

You know, people are getting so touchy these days. I just read this news story about a THIRTEEN year old kid who got arrested. When I saw the headline I thought, "Man, this country is going to hell in a hand basket. What did this criminal mastermind DO, anyway?? Did he steal a car? Get his moms attention by throwing a cleaver at her head? Sexually assault his little sibling??" Noooo.... No, this kid farted in school. And then got arrested. Apparently I went to school with a bunch of felons and didn't even know it. Besides, have you seen what they feed these kids in school lunchrooms?? And "The Man" is going to blame intestinal distress on HIM??! Let's file this under "Give Me A Fucking Break, Please." The teacher said that he was purposefully farting and therefore disrupting the class. Plus? This little fucker turned off a few computers that his friends were working on. I think it would be far more incredible if you could find me a 13 year old who...