The Blog of Bex

Well wouldn't you know it. The fucking "air-tight" (HA! My ass!!) plastic container slipped out of my hands spilling juicy sauerkraut all over the carpeted floor. In desperation I got the dog and encouraged her mightily to consume it. This is why, when my kids followed the strange sounds coming from the laundry room, they found me standing over their dog hissing in my Darth Vader voice, "EAT the fucking kraut! EAT the fucking kraut!" Suddenly she's, like, all particular about what she'll eat. THAT'S rich, considering this is the same animal who has consumed puke that didn't originate with her (I don't know why that seems MORE disgusting to me than eating her own yak but it does) eggs that were 3 days old with ants on them, her own fecal matter, poopie diapers from Mr. Nasty, etc. She had a couple of bites and suddenly her ears retracted to the back of her head. She slowly looked up at me like she was really seeing me for the very first time...

I have to make this quick as I am BUSY today. BUT. Did you hear about the woman in South Florida who was mauled by two cheetahs? I read that headline and thought to myself, "Holy shit! I'm going there in a couple of weeks! What? Are there cheetahs roaming the streets there now? Are they in the Everglades? How will I protect myself and kids from this danger???" Then I opened the article and realized that this woman ENTERED THEIR CAGE. She went in to do a demonstration and the people at the "cat sanctuary" (?!) said that one of the cats was distracted by a bouncing ball outside of the cage and then pounced on her, biting and clawing her. I know that I'm not a cheetah. But I have actually been distracted by a bouncing ball myself. And not once, after many of these occurrences, did I knock someone to the ground and scratch and bite their back. NOT ONCE! When asked for a reason as to why the cheetahs attacked the lady I think the sanctuary spokesman should have s...

Well. I'll be a monkey's uncle. I took my three kids to the pediatrician this morning to find out...Hot Damn! They all have strep throat! What glorious, glorious news!! This explains why I've been feeling like I had mono...I just figured that my laziness was coming to a head. But, no, I'm pretty sure I have the funk, too. So everyone stayed home from school today and it has sucked. The girls have been fighting, the baby has been leaving snail trails of snot everywhere he goes...you know, your basic suck fest. So that's my first set of issues. My second is that someone in my 8 year olds class told her about sex. She came home on the bus a few weeks ago and was being all weird. Finally, in that warm maternal way of mine I said, "WHAT???!" She said that someone had told her something but she wasn't allowed to tell anyone else. Naturally I pinned her to the wall and tickled her until she spilled it. Here is how the conversation went: Her: Well, she told me...

Today I bought New Shampoo. I couldn't wait to come home and use it. (And yes, I know that I'm a total dork.) Anyway, I put the baby down for his nap and hopped in the shower. After wetting my hair I read the back of the shampoo bottle. DID YOU HEAR THAT?? I read the back of the bottle. I realized that I do this every time I buy a new brand of shampoo. The instructions on my new bottle said, "Apply, lather, rinse." I have a feeling that whoever wrote that wanted to write, "Apply, lather, then rinse. You dumbass. WHAT? You were expecting a different instruction? Like maybe the way you use this product changes from time to time?! It is shampoo, you Tool. Wash your fucking head and then go put your helmet back on." So. I have revealed myself to you as something less than a mental giant. Fine. But my hair is clean. And it smells really good. Plus? I don't really have to wear a helmet. I just made that up. I totally have it going on.... Clean hair feed to hu...

My husband and I are, of our combined siblings, the first to have had kids. At first we were drunk with the power of it as people would drop everything and run to us if we asked. But then...it got a little lonely. After all, our kids don't have anyone to sit with at the kids table during family dinners. Which means that they sit at OUR table. I think you can see my point. So it is with DEEP happiness that I can announce that I have TWO sisters-in-law who are currently on the nest. I started wondering if there was anything I should tell them that I wish I'd known when I first had mine. You know, the stuff nobody tells you but you wish you had been warned. Here comes your warning. The Boy Problem Baby boys can and DO get erections. I'm not sure how the experts recommend handling this but I always respond by laughing hysterically. I mean REALLY. My husband thinks I could give our son a complex by my reaction. But I say if this is the way he's planning on going through lif...

When my daughter was almost 3 years old she walked into my bathroom and asked me where her Night Night was. Night Night, AKA Mr. Ears, is a stuffed rabbit with whom she sleeps. As the 'lady' (term used loosely) of the house I get asked constantly to locate things that do not belong to me. (Where are my keys? My shoes? My wallet? My stuffed rabbit?) And I'll admit that I find it deeply annoying. In fact, on the right day, it can take me from zero to sixty in about 4 seconds. Staring down into her lovely blue eyes I said, "Honey. Night Night is your bunny. He's YOUR responsibility. You just had him in your hands and I am sure that he is wherever you've left him. Go and find him yourself." Watching her walk away I felt a sense of pride, knowing that I was instilling in her the importance of being responsible for her own things. Moments later, she re-entered the bathroom - bunnyless. "Mommy! I can't find Night Night and I've looked EVERYWHERE!...

I was a nervous kind of kid growing up. There was a lady who lived across the street who didn't have a right arm from the elbow down. Nobody would give me a straight answer as to where the rest of her arm was RIGHT NOW and what the hell happened to it. Was she born that way? Got caught up in a major biker fight? An army of rabid flesh eating armadillos got her? WHAT?! To make matters worse she was the kind of woman who shellacked on the makeup. She looked like she couldn't stand next to a 60 watt light bulb without her face melting off. It was extremely creepy (bless her heart). I used to take the fastest shits in town back then because I would worry that her hand would find it's way into MY toilet and goose me. Which would obviously be a very bad thing. I also would climb into bed and then meticulously pat down the sheets all around me in case her arm found it's way into my room and began commando crawling under my sheets to "get me". Fortunately we eventual...