The Blog of Bex

Things I've learned today: I've learned that my dog can, does and will literally lick the snot out of a 2 year olds runny nose. I've learned further that both parties seem to find this activity deeply enriching. I may never sleep again. And I will DEFINITELY never again have oysters. I've also learned today that both Traci Lords and I will turn 40 this year. I'm not sure why I find this so staggering...but I do. I've learned that I think that every single politician in this country is either a big fat liar or a piece of shit. The scariest ones are those who are lying pieces of shit. They are the kind who would sell their mother to get elected to whatever office they want. It's depressing. In fact, just typing this paragraph has made me want to eat something unhealthy and go to bed. Sigh. Lastly, and I think we can all agree that this comment has no business being in this blog entry (yet I push forward AT ALL COSTS), I find myself wondering why some women put...

Just a thought...the next time a 2 year old runs toward me yelling "YUCKY! YUCKY!" I won't instinctively reach out to take whatever he's handing me and/or give him a hug. Especially if said two year old has a spectacularly gross runny nose. Yep. Next time, when I hear the words YUCKY I will dive for the paper towels. Because I am pretty sure that I can see the Virgin Mother in the schmear of snot on my shoulder. And you know what? She looks kind of pissed off. Maybe you should go check out something funny on Humor Blogs.com.

Ugh. I just read the news headlines today. And now I'm SO depressed. Jeez...Heath Ledger is dead??? WTF??? Dude didn't even make it to 30. That really sucks. Oh, and speaking of sucking, can we talk politics for a minute? Oh! Wait, I forgot...I'd rather slam one of my hooters in a car door. (And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I've nursed three babies. It can be done.) My disdain for all things political aside, there was a funny clip this week. I don't know if it hit the mainstream media or not but, as I live in Atlanta, Martin Luther King Day is a big deal around here. There was a celebration in Dr. Kings church (Ebenezer Baptist Church) and sitting behind the podium was our favorite First Gentleman Hopeful, Bill Clinton. Who fell asleep. It reminded me of any class I took in high school and college that pertained to math. The chin resting in an open hand. Elbow, on the arm rest. Head, occasionally nodding. Eyes, closed (although every now and then you could see that th...

I love getting pedicures. There is a little place near my home where I go. One day, about a year ago, I was in there getting my toes a little TLC. Suddenly, and out of nowhere I might add, a Vietnamese lady screamed across the crowded room, "DO YOU WANT YOU LIP WAX, TOO???" It was with shock and horror that I realized she was addressing ME. My hand instinctively covered my mouth and I mumbled, "what?" She repeated her question and I felt all eyes upon me as I contemplated her offer of ripping hot wax off of my upper lip. I shook my head in what I hoped was the universal sign of, "NO! I do not require this service because I don't have a hairy fucking lip!" I suffered through the rest of my pedicure but I'll tell you, I couldn't wait to get home. Finally I was done and went home to do what any other red blooded woman would do: I kicked my husband in the balls. He said something like, "What the hell was THAT for?" So I told him, "T...

Well, today has been, thus far, quite enlightening. I swear, I only took my eyes off of the boy for 2 minutes. Suddenly I realized that it was deafeningly quiet in the house. Which, of course, means that the little shit was Up To Something. I walk into the laundry room to find him with my beloved bottle of Shout. The bottle had been full and was now pretty much empty. He had sprayed it all over the fridge in there. It was also oozing out of his mouth and onto his shirt (which I'm guessing is going to be SPARKLING clean the next time I wash it). So I assumed the 'Oh Shit!' position (which is, in case you don't have a 2 year old boy, mouth and eyes perfectly open, hand grasping for phone to call 9-1-1). 911 put me through to Poison Control who asked me to read the label to him. I did and he put me on hold to figure out what I needed to do with my idiot, detergent eating son (and in the mean time I demonstrated my multi-tasking skills by changing a poopie diaper that smell...

This morning I wanted to head over to the humor blogs website to see how I'm ranked (usually somewhere between 35 and 65). When I dropped in I saw a stack of unintelligible data. Then I suddenly felt implanted into a Nancy Drew novel as there was a warning followed by an intriguing invitation, " An unhandled exception occurred during the execution of the current web request. Please review the stack trace for more information about the error and where it originated in the code. " Oh. That's optimistic. Maybe this is something that I can review and make sense of. So I allow my eyes to drift down in search of anything that could be a "stack trace" or "code". Hmmm... Ah-ha! Found it. Let's read it, shall we??? I feel very confident that this will be illuminating. Stack Trace: [OdbcException (0x80131937): ERROR [42S02] [MySQL][ODBC 3.51 Driver][mysqld-4.0.13-max-nt]Can't op...

I'd like to find something funny to write about. A real knee-slapper, where you laugh so hard that no noise comes out of your mouth but you might accidentally fart kind of laughter. But now I'm THINKING about it. Thinking too hard, methinks. So I tell myself to calm down and just observe life. Hmmm...life. I go in search of Thing 3. My son sees me seeing him. Our gaze is locked, neither of us smiling. He slowly inserts his index finger into his nose and holds it there for a moment. He then, with startling speed, withdraws it and shoots it into his mouth without ever losing eye contact. That's fucking terrific. I somehow thought that since the first two kids weren't booger eaters I'd gotten away without having to deal with THIS. And, even worse, it's not funny. Not yet. It'll possibly be funny when he is a world class brain surgeon. But then again, maybe the fact that my kid can eat a booger faster than I can say, "NOOOOOO!! It'll stunt your growth!...