Hey, Everybody! It's Tool Time with Geraldo!

It is my sincerest wish that almost everyone survives Hurricane Ike. Almost. Because, truth-be-told, in the battle between Geraldo Rivera and Ike...well, I'm pretty much pulling for the hurricane.

What's not to like about Geraldo, you ask? Hmmm...is it the fact that he's an attorney? Nah. Is it a case of Former Talk Show Host Rage? Nope.

No, it is because I've begun to strongly suspect that Geraldo Rivera is a fucking tool. My hypothesis began during Hurricane Gustav. I was flipping through the channels on TV when I came across an image of Geraldo running up and down Bourbon Street in a soaked rain coat holding some sort of meteorologist tool that gauges wind speed like this:

The anchor kept trying to ask him questions about flooding, people who were in harms way, etc. But Geraldo couldn't hear and he was zig zagging around with his little wind catcher going, "FIFTY miles an hour! That gust was 50! ....Oh, wait a minute, here comes another....WOW! We've got fifty-TWO!"

I was watching and just hoping that a New Orleans local would come out of their shelter and give him a good, firm slap while screaming into the wind gust, "No shit it's windy. You are in a fucking hurricane, Jackass." And then our New Orleans hero would look into the camera and say, "Back to you, Jane."

But that didn't happen. Because - thankfully - New Orleans was successfully evacuated and there weren't any locals available for slapping overzealous reporters.

Then this afternoon I was curious about how Hurricane Ike was doing and turned on the TV to find Geraldo standing on the coast in Galveston, Texas. This is the place that is supposed to get a 20 foot wall of water. In fact, it's already flooding there, at least 12 hours before the eye of the storm has even arrived. Geraldo was milling about in the flooded water as though he were at a cocktail party, flirting with firemen and probably wishing that he hadn't left his little wind tool back at the Hilton. And then, predictably, he fell down as you can see in the video below:

After his prat dive he became very jumpy and every time a piece of debris hit him in the foot he jumped as though a shark had bitten him. All I could think of was where is a water spout when you really, truly need one.


HappyHourSue said…
OMG- Iwas watching him last week cover the hurricane and he spotted a rescue worker in a life vest , in the water, securing a boat or something. "IS THAT A PERSON???????? THERE"S A PERSON IN THE WATER!!!!!!!" Yeah, dumb-ass, he's with us.
Merrie said…
Hubby and I saw the SAME footage that Sue just mentioned, and it really made him look like the jackass he is. The guy was clearly wearing a harness and was tying off a loose septic tank, but G was freaking out. Idiot.
Go Ike.
Chat Blanc said…
That video is HILARIOUS!! He is such a dipshit!
Holy Crappers said…
That was good !!

Bex said…
Sue - He really is a classic example of a total dork.

Merrie - That's hilarious! I'll bet that his camera man spends 99% of his time rolling his eyes at the sight on the other end of the camera.

Chat Blanc - My favorite part is the "Oooouuufff" when he falls. Classic.

Holy Crappers - Thanks, Philly!
Bex said…
Oy. I just watched it again. Now I have TWO favorite parts. First, the "Ooooouuuuffff" and then the second part is when his feet go flying up. He's totally horizontal. I keep watching it and laughing out loud. Because I'm an asshole and that's how I roll. :)
kc said…
Geraldo + a fireman, sitting in a tree...

That video was hilarious, but my very favorite thing is where the chick says, "Anyone who stays MAY face CERTAIN death!" Way to be noncommittally dramatic, there, chicky! FOX isn't really news.

BTW, this is my smiley. Stupid kitty.
Don said…
Geraldo is on now as I type this. I saw that fall into the sewage--how damned dramatic. I've fallen harder than that on a sunny day without 3 fireman there to assist me!
Sensei said…
The best part is the laughing firefighters running back to "rescue" Geraldo. Never before have I wished more for a mustache to be washed out to sea.
Bex said…
KC - I enthusiastically embrace your smiley effort! Thanks for trying.... I was just watching the news coverage of the Hurricane and they threw out the "CERTAIN death" thing while Geraldo was talking and I was thinking that we could only hope.

Don - I saw that, too! My hubs and I were just saying that he looks like he thinks he might have had sex with a Haitian prostitute because he fell in water that used to be where they were. So if he turns up HIV+ in the next few weeks, we'll all know why.

Sensei - you're SO right about that mustache. It makes me want to cut somebody. Or play Super Mario Brothers video games. Either way.
Jules9999999 said…
I am in Houston, and have been pretty much glued to the television, but this video can give dumb ol' Geraldo a run for his money...too funny!

leigh said…
this is just another incident in a long history of geraldo embarrassing himself on tv. remember al capone's vault?

then the anchor laughs at him. heh.
Chris Wood said…
Great video!
PlainOleMike said…
What a complete moron. I wish I could have seen him running with the "plasic cups on a stick" looking thingie.
Jormengrund said…
I miss the days when you could stick a useless pile of crap like Geraldo in a newsroom archive, and not have to deal with his stupid ass..

Too bad everything is digital now. We'll never get rid of him, unless he somehow floats out to sea!

Popular posts from this blog

Every woman's dream - a homemade MacGyver vibrator (with the optional mullet attachment)

Florida: The Good. The Bad. The Holy SHIT!!!

The Wild and Wonderful World of Animal Butts