The Dunkin Donuts Dilemna

I am always amazed when I leave my home in the early hours of the morning and there are people out and about. I can barely see the runners (as the sun isn't yet passed the horizon) but they are hoofing it up the hill. Don't these people know that they should be home - in bed - snuggled up???!

So you can imagine my surprise when, at 6AM, I saw the impressive line at my local Dunkin Donuts. But we were heading out of town on a road trip with 3 little kids (all under 8) and a 2 month old puppy. I know what you are thinking...WHY??! We very anxiously wanted to travel for a little bit of more pain - AKA my 20th High School reunion. Maybe more on that later...

As if this all weren't bad enough, my husband and I had been to a party the night before and I had just the slightest headache. So I needed coffee and like all reasonable people I went to the Dunkin Donuts because their coffee is THE BEST coffee anywhere! Starbucks can kiss my lilly white! But I digress...

So I get in the line and wait. There are two people in front of me and they are both Older. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I'm just saying. There are 2 young women behind the counter working hard to serve all of the crazy people who are up and looking for a really unhealthy breakfast. Suddenly, a third employee shows up behind the counter and asks if she can help me. The Older Lady at the counter says, "I am PRETTY SURE that I was next!"

The third employee says, "Oh. Ok. What can I get you?"

Older Lady, "This is ridiculous! I have been waiting here forever!!"

Employee, "Ummm...sorry about that. I didn't know you were next. What can I get you?"

The Older Lady is very clearly pissed off and quickly is approaching irate. I have no idea why, as I've just arrived. But she gets so pissed that she says, "You know what?! Never mind!" And she storms towards the door stating how ridiculous this has all been.

The third employee looks into the mounting crowd with a wry smile and slowly shaking her head, "I have no idea where that came from."

The Older Man chimes in, "You would know EXACTLY where that had come from if you had been standing here with us!" He, in the meantime, has been arguing the entire time with the other two employees because - get this - he doesn't think he's been charged enough for his coffee and donuts. And he REALLY wants to pay the full price.

This is when the Crazy Shit started happening. The Third Employee said, "You know what? My mom is in the hospital and I DON'T NEED THIS. I DON'T NEED THIS AT ALL! You know what? FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL YA'LL!" (Did I mention that we are in the DEEP South? We are. Big time.)

It suddenly became very quiet. The rest of us began discreetly staring at each other and/or the floor. I could read the expression on the guy behind me. He was thinking, "Fuck her? or Fuck me? Is she telling ME to fuck off? What the hell...."

So then the Third Employee takes her left hand and in a violent manner throws everything off of the counter in one sweeping motion. This action seemed to have further emboldened her as she really started screaming for us all to fuck off. Ya'll. (Clearly, she was well educated. And classy. Nothing says 'I'm Classy' like losing your shit in the local Dunkin Donuts.)

By now she was standing in front of the long line on our side of the counter. We are the only thing standing between her and the only exit in the building. I've never seen human beings move so quickly. We parted like the Red Sea for this crazy broad.

And then there were two. The two remaining employee's looked quite stunned and there was a moment of silence as we all recovered from being repeatedly invited to Fuck Off. I mean, it wasn't like it was my first time that this was suggested to me. But usually people who tell me to fuck off know me A WHOLE LOT better than she did.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Older Man broke the silence, "Ma'am. There is no way that all of these donuts and coffee cost only $6. There is just no way. I'm not going to ask you again. Please re-add it, though, because this MUST have cost more like $7 or $8." Employee's 1 and 2, neither of whom had a complete command of the English language, starred at each other and then at him repeating, "Six dolla please." He shook his head and started mumbling to himself. I leaned over and said, "Dude! Just take it and go!"

He started mumbling, "this just ain't right. it just ain't." And I thought to myself, 'Old Man! Employee 3's meltdown is going to seem like a visit with Mother Theresa if I don't get my fucking coffee PRONTO! Take the goddamned donuts and get the fuck OUT OF HERE!' But I didn't want to be rude. So I just bore a hole in the back of his head with my dagger eyes until he left. You have to draw the line somewhere, you know?

Truthfully submitted by Oh, and I also sent a link to those Humor Blogs people.


PB&Junk said…
Dunkin's coffe is the best! Someone once told me it tastes like ass but i completely disagree with that.
PB&Junk said…
lol. not that i know what ass tastes like.
Bex said…
Rest assured - Dunkin Donuts coffee does not taste like ass! (I'm unwilling at this point to disclose if I am familiar with the taste of ass or not!). Thanks for the comments! Bex
xx said…
Stumbled across your blog while posting in Google Groups, Blogger Review, and found myself laughing out loud.

Well, the dog pooping while holding onto the end of the leash hit home with me. It never fails, NEVER, that a car will drive by just as my schizophrenic dog assumes the position. Mind you, I live on a rural street where the only people driving on it are those that live on it. Every neighbor I met after I moved here said, "Oh yes, we've seen you walking your dog", which translates to "Oh, you're the new chick whose dog shits on the street every time we drive by." Now we have a new rule in town here that you have to pick up the poopies or you will be fined by the Poopie Police. So now the cars not only come when the dog squats, but when I squat to pick up the damned crap, face all twisted up, still holding onto the leash with one hand, scooping with the other, praying there isn't a hole in the bag and that the dog doesn't see a cat.

Regarding DD coffee tasting like ass, I would have to disagree. However, Starbucks coffee does taste like weasel pee. Just thought you should know.

I have a blog, totally unrelated to this discussion at

I am trying to figure out how to publicize it more. Any ideas/comments are welcome.

Bex said…
Weasel favorite! And I haven't it in AGES!

I have heard about the "Girl Whose Dog Shits Chronically" but thought it was an urban legend. Glad to know the truth!

Thanks for the comments on my blog. I'll be sure to check you out on yours!!! Bex
Beck said…
That was hilarious! Just makes ones realize they never know when or what are they are getting themselves into. All at a local D&D. Which I love. Send D&D a link to your post and get yourself some free joe, Girl!
Kathy said…
Hilarious! Found you on Humor-blogs and stumbled this post.

Thanks for the laugh. I needed it this rainy and dreary morning.
the frogster said…
I spent 10 years out west (Starbucks, Pete's) and for the last year I've been living on the east coast (DD, 7-11), and I have to say that I generally get used to whatever I'm drinking, though since I only drink it on the days I'm too late/lazy to make my own, I don't think I actually taste it on the way down.

For the record, DD coffee actually tastes like badger toenails.
Fiar said…
I have to vehemently disagree with Frogster on this important issue. DD coffee clearly tastes like Muskrat snot. If you don't agree, then you hate America.
Bex said…
Ummm...I couldn't help but noticing that there is some Crazy Talk going on here about Dunkin Donuts coffee. Weasal Pee?? Badger Toenails?? Muskrat Snot?? What the hell do you people eat in a day, anyway???

I happen to KNOW that drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee makes me a better person. And I was pretty great before, so watch out!

Besides, if Starchucks is your thing then go and have it. They are everywhere. In fact, I could be driving my car, have an epileptic seizure and still be able to hit a drive-thru.

Kathy, I hope that your dreariness turns to cheeriness REAL soon. Don't let Frogster and Fiar get you down!

Thanks, to all, for stopping by!

the frogster said…
All right, Bex. Here's the deal. MY coffee is good coffee. I make it in a French Press and I prefer Dark Roasted beans. I grind the beans for 8 seconds in my grindy thing then let them steep in boiling water for four minutes. THAT is coffee.

The badger thing (Muskrat! Puh-leeze! Obviously FIAR couldn't smell his way out of a one-pound coffee bag) has to do with the fact that that once you get used to Starbucks or Tully's or Pete's (all three of which are rampant west coast things), DD or 7-11 or Wawa (all of which are weaker) do taste, well, kind of badgery.

Now, I never said that was a bad thing.
Johnny Virgil said…
Frog, using a french press will raise your cholesterol.
Qelqoth said…
Here in the United Kingdom, we don't have that Dunkin' Donuts franchise. But we do have those Krispy Kreme donuts which are absolutely lovely and taste nothing like ass at all.
Bex said…
Frog, I have to say it...I like your style. Most people say you can judge a man by his shoes. I say you judge him by his coffee. And anyone who takes the time to go through your series of events... well, you must be a good guy. That and I can tell by your Hawaiian shirt (on your blog). My husband wears Hawaiian shirts quite a bit. (He has quite the man crush on Magnum PI.) AT ANY RATE, thanks for dropping by and cluing me in on the whole deal.

Johnny Vigil - I blushed when I saw that you stopped by as I think you are a rock star. That having been said, I fear that you're misinformed about Frogs cholesterol. But I'm going to keep my nose out of what is clearly a matter between men.

Quelqoth - If there is anything better than a Krispy Kreme donut when it's hot, I don't know what it is. It's like buttah, baby!

Bee said…
Okay, I just read this now.
I want to say that it would have been a reasonable response if you had body slammed the old dude to get your coffee.
People that frequent coffee shops are aware how important coffee is first thing the morning.
If I'm ever in your way, you have my permission to shove me the hell out of your way because I would do the same to you! ;o)
Bex said…
You KNOW I totally wanted to jack him up. But I hadn't seen where the crazy chick went and I kind of just wanted to get my joe and push off in case she went to get her glock or something. She was completely unglued.
Dave said…
I, too, am familiar with the taste of ass, and Dunkin' Donuts tastes a million times better than ass. I will still partake in the tasting off ass, just like I will still partake in the drinking of Starbucks coffee. But it's nowhere near Dunkin' Donuts. Right on, Bex. It's good to see other people who think Dunkin' Donuts coffee is the best coffee in the world.
Bex said…
Dave - I never really pegged you as an ass man...but...if you say so....

Thanks for stopping by!

Amy J. said…
OMG - I used to work at DD and trust me, people will get pissed and be obnoxious at the least expected times.'s a GD donut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks god I'm outta there (20+ years), but boy could I tell you some good stories.

Your blog is very funny - hope you'll stop by mine (which I also think is funny lol)......adding a link to you on mine. Keep up the humor!
chris said…
Sounds like everyday at the dmv.

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