Skip to main content

Don't Step In The...OH, SH*T!!!


Kate and Leopold was a movie about some English dude who invented a time machine and then accidentally fell through it to current day New York City. One of the funniest parts of the movie happened when he was walking a dog which then took a dump on the street. A cop came over and instructed him to pick it up and throw it away.

He looked at her incredulously and said, "Are you suggesting that there exists a law compelling gentlemen to lay hold of canine bowel movements?"

This line cracks me up for a variety of reasons. First of all, it is talking about poop, a topic I routinely find hilarious. Second of all, it is a strange obligation and certainly doesn't feel very dignified when you have to turn a baggie inside-out and pick up something warm, wormy and odoriferous that your dog expelled from his ass.

The alternative is just as gross - I don't know anybody who likes to step in dog crap. And I know some total freaks. But the problem is that not everyone picks up their doggie doodies. And step in it we must. Unless...unless someone could come up with a PLAN. A plan so ingenious, so obvious that it just might work.

This guy sure looks worried:



I'm happy to announce, Ladies and Gentlemen (and freaks), that it's already happened. Yep, those crafty Israelis have beaten us to the punch again. They are taking DNA swabs from the mouths of dogs and then when they find an errant shit they will look up the database, hoping for a match. The owner will then receive a fine. BRILLIANT.

They haven't mentioned what, if anything, would happen if it comes back with a human DNA. I suppose they'll cross that bridge when they get to it. (Surely they have wino's too??)

After celebrating this achievement I started to wonder if they didn't create this program simply to have a police job that is less desirable than that of Meter Maid.
Hot Girl - Hey, you're kinda cute...what do you do?

Dude - Well, thanks! I'm a doctor.

Her - A DOCTOR! Wow...are you a plastic surgeon?

Him - Umm, no. I'm actually more of a scientist then an MD.

Her - Oh. Too bad. What kind of scientist?

Him - Uhhh, I, uh, specialize in DNA...and canines....
A look of horror passes on her face because she is very familiar with the program as she has a poodle with irritable bowel syndrome and she has been keeping little Fluffy in the doggie underground to avoid the DNA swab for her dog. She looks at the "doctor" and lets it sink in that he really tests fecal matter for a living. They are totally not going to hook up.

But I've gotta say it - it'd be ok with me if I never stepped in dog shit again. Because then you always get into your car and say, "Jesus. What's that smell?? ...it smells like...oh, shit..." But then it's too late. Bring on the DNA, Big Brother!



Hey...psssstttt...while you're down here...do me a favor and click my HB smiley, will ya??

Comments

Meg said…
I think it was Seinfeld (and it's likely I've spelled that wrong, but I'm too lazy to google it) who had a line about dogs--to an alien watching a guy walk a dog and pick up the poop, it would appear that the dog is the master.

Except funnier.
Jormengrund said…
Great post Bex!

Being a dog owner, I really can't stand it when some arrogant owner thinks that they can just let their dog do what it wants, and not have to take responsibility for it.

Your dog, your issue. Yeah, it might not be the most wonderful thing to deal with, but if you were on the receiving end of a shoefull of dogshit, I guarantee you that you'd want someone's ass as well.

Take care of your pets, and they'll take care of you. Plain and simple.
Anonymous said…
LOLOLOL!! Great post, poop humor is always funny. I have a poop-themed song parody coming up soon....
Anonymous said…
i am ALL for this, considering some neighborhood asswipe took his bitch for a post-hurricane constitutional and deposited a huge turd load in my front yard. if i'd have seen it, i would have fucking stranged him.
Chat Blanc said…
zomg!! that's too funny. hunting down dog doodie offenders! That MUST be a full-time job for thousands, millions, hell it could solve this country's unemployment problem! bring. it. on!
Anonymous said…
although not israeli, but an mot, i firmly hate poop! an unleashed canine got into our house today and i had to watch lonline freak out. luckily no poop landed and we were able to retrieve the owner. No fricking reward!

joey bear
Unknown said…
Picking up dogshit is an unpleasant thing, but given the weird nature of some people, surely someone has a vocation in this department?

I'm just saying ...
Smocha said…
Ha! I am all for it!

We have a neighbor with 2 cocker spaniels. she NEVER picks up her dog shit unless she thinks someone is watching her.

All of us neighbors call her "dog shit woman"

I keep telling myself , next time I see her leave it on MY grass , I am going to leave a nice stinky bag of cat poo on her door step.
I do have a never ending supply.
Maybe I should set the bag on fire too. yeah. that's the ticket.
Anonymous said…
Everytime I think I've made up some fake news that stretches the limits of credulity, I see something like this. Amazing. They should definitely institute this in Paris.

Popular posts from this blog

Florida: The Good. The Bad. The Holy SHIT!!!

So you know...I live in Florida now. The good news is that my southern accent is stronger than ever - I think it was some sort of defense mechanism...of or for what, I have no idea. I definitely miss Atlanta and my friends, though, especially now. Spring in Atlanta is SO beautiful. But Florida is pretty nice, too. We go to the beach at least once a week and we all love having a pool in the backyard. Also, my husband makes me a Planter's Punch every night and I don't even feel guilty by knocking it back - we're on vacation, right?? A couple of weeks ago I was reading the news and saw this weird picture: In case your eyes can't make sense of it, I'll give you a hint. It's not a puppy. I'm guessing it's not an air freshener, either. It is, in fact, a Burmese Python that ruptured and now has a really big dead Alligator sticking out of it's stomach. Oh, and something ate the snakes head off. That's why there is no head there. National Geographic has

Oooohhh...I just LOVE when you wrap it around me... do it again, please?

I had heard that "crack" kills. I just never really believed it until I saw it with my own eyes. (Bless his heart.) About 3 years ago I was 6 months pregnant and had two daughters (aged 4 and 5). We were all traveling from Bellingham, WA to Atlanta, GA with a VERY brief layover in Dallas. We were booked on a major airline that should remain anonymous as they are a bunch of asshats (but they rhyme with "Mamerican Mairlines") and we had to leave for the airport at 3:30 AM in order to catch our 7AM flight. It was Suck City. By the time our car arrived in Seattle my husband and I were barely speaking to each other and the girls had marks on their faces and arms from the backseat smack-down they had while out of our reach. When I went to the counter to speak with the representative she informed me that even though our seats had been purchased many months ago and seat assignments had been given all of that had changed and we were no longer sitting together as a family. I

The Wild and Wonderful World of Animal Butts

Hello, Boys. How're they hangin'?? Several years ago my dad and I were hiking in California. It was a beautiful afternoon and we were on a mountain trail. We came upon some kind of farm that had a fence around it. Suddenly I saw it - a pig lying down with his "sac" squeezed out behind him. It looked as though someone had stuffed two basketballs under his skin. My first thought was, "Holy crap, pigs can get elephantitis??!" This was quickly followed by thought number two which was, "I would give anything to be sharing this experience with anyone but my father ." So I did what anyone could do in such a situation. I took a picture of the pig balls. I decided that I would put it on the cover of my Christmas cards that year and when the card was opened it would say, "Deck the halls...." I haven't done it yet but I will...yes, I will. You may be wondering why I brought this up. It has to do with baboons and Darwin. At the risk of dramatical