Don't Step In The...OH, SH*T!!!

Kate and Leopold was a movie about some English dude who invented a time machine and then accidentally fell through it to current day New York City. One of the funniest parts of the movie happened when he was walking a dog which then took a dump on the street. A cop came over and instructed him to pick it up and throw it away.

He looked at her incredulously and said, "Are you suggesting that there exists a law compelling gentlemen to lay hold of canine bowel movements?"

This line cracks me up for a variety of reasons. First of all, it is talking about poop, a topic I routinely find hilarious. Second of all, it is a strange obligation and certainly doesn't feel very dignified when you have to turn a baggie inside-out and pick up something warm, wormy and odoriferous that your dog expelled from his ass.

The alternative is just as gross - I don't know anybody who likes to step in dog crap. And I know some total freaks. But the problem is that not everyone picks up their doggie doodies. And step in it we must. Unless...unless someone could come up with a PLAN. A plan so ingenious, so obvious that it just might work.

This guy sure looks worried:

I'm happy to announce, Ladies and Gentlemen (and freaks), that it's already happened. Yep, those crafty Israelis have beaten us to the punch again. They are taking DNA swabs from the mouths of dogs and then when they find an errant shit they will look up the database, hoping for a match. The owner will then receive a fine. BRILLIANT.

They haven't mentioned what, if anything, would happen if it comes back with a human DNA. I suppose they'll cross that bridge when they get to it. (Surely they have wino's too??)

After celebrating this achievement I started to wonder if they didn't create this program simply to have a police job that is less desirable than that of Meter Maid.
Hot Girl - Hey, you're kinda cute...what do you do?

Dude - Well, thanks! I'm a doctor.

Her - A DOCTOR! Wow...are you a plastic surgeon?

Him - Umm, no. I'm actually more of a scientist then an MD.

Her - Oh. Too bad. What kind of scientist?

Him - Uhhh, I, uh, specialize in DNA...and canines....
A look of horror passes on her face because she is very familiar with the program as she has a poodle with irritable bowel syndrome and she has been keeping little Fluffy in the doggie underground to avoid the DNA swab for her dog. She looks at the "doctor" and lets it sink in that he really tests fecal matter for a living. They are totally not going to hook up.

But I've gotta say it - it'd be ok with me if I never stepped in dog shit again. Because then you always get into your car and say, "Jesus. What's that smell?? smells like...oh, shit..." But then it's too late. Bring on the DNA, Big Brother!

Hey...psssstttt...while you're down me a favor and click my HB smiley, will ya??


Meg said…
I think it was Seinfeld (and it's likely I've spelled that wrong, but I'm too lazy to google it) who had a line about dogs--to an alien watching a guy walk a dog and pick up the poop, it would appear that the dog is the master.

Except funnier.
Jormengrund said…
Great post Bex!

Being a dog owner, I really can't stand it when some arrogant owner thinks that they can just let their dog do what it wants, and not have to take responsibility for it.

Your dog, your issue. Yeah, it might not be the most wonderful thing to deal with, but if you were on the receiving end of a shoefull of dogshit, I guarantee you that you'd want someone's ass as well.

Take care of your pets, and they'll take care of you. Plain and simple.
Jeffrey Ellis said…
LOLOLOL!! Great post, poop humor is always funny. I have a poop-themed song parody coming up soon....
leigh said…
i am ALL for this, considering some neighborhood asswipe took his bitch for a post-hurricane constitutional and deposited a huge turd load in my front yard. if i'd have seen it, i would have fucking stranged him.
Chat Blanc said…
zomg!! that's too funny. hunting down dog doodie offenders! That MUST be a full-time job for thousands, millions, hell it could solve this country's unemployment problem! bring. it. on!
Anonymous said…
although not israeli, but an mot, i firmly hate poop! an unleashed canine got into our house today and i had to watch lonline freak out. luckily no poop landed and we were able to retrieve the owner. No fricking reward!

joey bear
Chris Wood said…
Picking up dogshit is an unpleasant thing, but given the weird nature of some people, surely someone has a vocation in this department?

I'm just saying ...
Smocha said…
Ha! I am all for it!

We have a neighbor with 2 cocker spaniels. she NEVER picks up her dog shit unless she thinks someone is watching her.

All of us neighbors call her "dog shit woman"

I keep telling myself , next time I see her leave it on MY grass , I am going to leave a nice stinky bag of cat poo on her door step.
I do have a never ending supply.
Maybe I should set the bag on fire too. yeah. that's the ticket.
Skip DeKades said…
Everytime I think I've made up some fake news that stretches the limits of credulity, I see something like this. Amazing. They should definitely institute this in Paris.

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