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What is brown, white and read all over?

Thing One, my eight year old, is an excellent reader. When she reads she gets really into the story and sometimes it is difficult to get her attention. This morning I was trying to get the girls ready for summer camp and couldn't find them. I finally saw the light on under the bathroom door and barged in and said, "What the hell are you guys doing?? You're going to be late! "

Thing One answered in her best smart ass voice, "Well, Mother..., my sister is applying sunscreen to her face - as you requested, I might add - and I am taking a huge poopie and while I'm waiting for it I'm simply reading my book - aloud to my sister." The implication was that they were all pure, innocent and therefore beyond reproach and I am simply an annoying and sometimes borderline-psychotic maternal figure who is irrationally pissed off that I walked in to find them being focused on something reasonable.

This is when I noticed the thumb. There was a huge wad of crap on it. Not on the end, either. It was on top, right by the nail. There were brown smudges on the pages of the book where - apparently - she had been turning the pages. Shiterific!

She was in the process of rolling her eyes at me and I said, "Hey there. Nice turd on your thumb. Here's a thought - how about you put your dookie schmeared book down, focus on wiping your ass and get some sunscreen on your face. Oh. And let's not forget to wash our hands today, OK? That would be terrific."

Mondays, huh?

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PS My GMAT exam is this Friday (July 18)! Wish me luck....

Comments

Anonymous said…
poopie fingers. nice.
12:44 PM
Alice said…
*wipes tears* That was the effing funniest last paragraph. "Dookie" is such a great satisfying word.
1:08 PM
Anonymous said…
Maybe if your GMAT paper was dookie-smeared, they would just give you a 100 and not grade it?
6:13 PM
The Johnson's Zoo said…
A short poem that fits:

Dookie, pooh-pooh, kaka
guano, fecal, turd
shit, crap, dung

I know, it doesn't rhyme.
6:54 PM
Anonymous said…
Thank God she wasn't trying to give her sister a "wet-willie".

That would be doubly-disgusting.
6:54 PM
Anonymous said…
If I ever write a book, I'd be thrilled if a reviewer called it shitteriffic.

Great post.
11:12 AM
for a different kind of girl said…
As the mother of a perpetual pooper, this post hits me right in the heart.
11:54 AM
Anonymous said…
God, she sounds like my son..right down to the shitty fingers.

peace
#2
4:58 PM
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