Skip to main content

We need a tent over here STAT!

Good news, FEMA! There is a new Designated Jackass in town. And it's called the US Food and Drug Administration.




In fact, I am starting to wonder if the FDA doesn't share office space with the clown school from Ringling Brothers Circus. And maybe, from time-to-time, their employees cross over. You know, the clowns might get tired of all of that makeup, giant shoes and red rubber noses. So they'd think, "You know, this job kind of sucks. Maybe I'll try on the US FDA gig for a while."

And the FDA guys would think, "Man. Those clowns have it made in the shade. I can't think of anything I'd love to do more than to cram into a 1964 VW Beetle with 28 of my favorite guys. I think I'll paint my face and sneak over to their staff meeting so that I can avoid doing the bullshit work over here."

This would explain the cracker jack response we've had to the Salmonella outbreak that has sickened almost 1,000 people in the USA. It started off with:

OH MY GOD! The TOMATOES!! Whatever you do - in the name of GOD - don't eat the TOMATOES! They are poisonous and will rip a hole in your stomach!"



I had managed to remain relatively unscathed by the scandal until a couple of weeks ago when I went through the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A and ordered the chicken club sandwich. The person inside the box said, "You do realize that your order will not contain any tomatoes due to the salmonella outbreak. We're pretty sure that tomatoes are the devils work anyway." So I ate my stupid sandwich sans tomato and it sucked. Just like I knew it would.

Then, about a week later the same FDA guy who was screaming at the top of his lungs about saving the babies from the hateful tomato suddenly was all, "Well, tomatoes aren't so bad. I mean, they kind of piss me off sometimes but then other times they aren't the worst I've seen."

And now, I've just read the headlines on MSNBC to find that tomatoes might not be the problem after all. BUT WATCH OUT FOR THE GODDAMN CILANTRO! That's the ticket! The cilantro is at the heart of all that is ugly and bad. Or maybe it's the peppers.



I wish the FDA would just come out and say it - they don't like Mexican food. They probably don't even like Mexican people. But they are too chicken to say it so they come up with some ridiculous subversive story that any ingredient that might show up in a Mexican dish is likely to give you severe stomach cramps with a gassy, oily and bloody discharge.

I wonder if they've even bothered to look at how many margaritas were consumed by the people who got sick. I don't know about you but I am quite familiar with the relationship between how many rita's I drink and how shitty I feel the next day.

At any rate I'm thinking that the FEMA guys can finally, for the first time since Katrina, hold their heads up a bit knowing that they are no longer the most hated and mocked Administration in our government. Way to go, guys!! It was bound to happen sooner or later....


PS If I ever saw the above clown anywhere I would never stop screaming. Ever.

Link to Humor-blogs.com. I don't think that there are any creepy clown pictures over there so you should be all good.






Comments

Anonymous said…
Are you serious? Cilantro? I didn't hear that, but last night I did see that they were looking at "suspicious" peppers! And remember last year, when it was spinich? Possibly we should just stop eating altogether. Or, I haven't heard anything about infected ice cream...
Alice said…
Babycakes has the fear of clowns also. Staying at Circus Circus in Vegas almost killed him. Not that I would stop screaming either if I saw that particular clown.

Fortunately, I'm not a big cilantro fan, so I guess I'm safe. Ish.
Anonymous said…
It really would be great if they could figure out how to track produce the way meat, canned stuff and medications are tracked.

But I guess the lobbyists for the produce growers association have been so extraordinarily successful in keeping “the best congress money can buy” from passing meaningful legislation for tracking. In fairness to the FDA, if congress doesn’t allow them the tools and funding for doing the job well, they can only bumble along.

Besides, when did the IRS fall from the most hated agency in the fed gov’t?
FEMA and FDA have topped them? Wow.

Anyway, thank goodness I can go back to enjoying tomatoes and ignore that nasty cilantro that I hate cause it tastes like eating ivory liquid soap.
Bex said…
KC - Serious as bloody diarrhea. (Which means totally serious.) You're right...I think I do remember something about spinach. As soon as I start an all meat diet they'll start talking about mad cow disease again. I just can't win.

Alice - I HATE clowns. With a white hot flaming passion. I would rather my kids grow up to be marshmallow testers than clowns. ::shudder::

Daniel - Man, you're fired up this morning. What did you have for breakfast, some salsa or something? Besides, the IRS is so hated that it is kind of out of the running. Like when people talk about the sexiest couple in Hollywood. You can't say "Pitt and Jolie" and be all smug and stuff. No! OBVIOUSLY they are the sexiest. But who else?? Surely there are other sexy couples in LA??? Great. Now you've got ME all fired up. If I get diarrhea I'm gonna be pissed.
KWolfAK said…
I just found you. I KNEW I HAD to read your blog when I saw your comment on "Happy Meals & Happy Hours". You are too funny! I live in Arizona. I live on Mexican food AND Margaritas... I am doomed.
Meg said…
Notice that beer never gets on those lists. And I'd much more prefer it with my chicken sandwich than tomatoes or salsa.
United Studies said…
Cilantro? I didn't hear anything about the cilantro.

It is funny you never hear about outbreaks of stuff from locally grown produce. I think I'll start visiting my local farmers market.
Bex said…
Kendra - Hi! I'm glad you found me! I love "Happy Meals and Happy Hours"...she's hilarious. You like Mexican food and Margarita's because you are a good and reasonable person. Just like me. I don't know WHAT to do the haters.

Meg - An excellent point. No alcohol was mentioned at all, in fact. Hmmm. An all booze diet would probably lessen our chances of salmonella...but then our liver function might get sketchy. It's a tough call.

Jacki - Well, I don't think it was grown locally to me but it must have been local to somewhere.

I love our local farmer's market. I'll eat anything I find there except okra which is the most disgusting veggie EVER. Why couldn't that be the source of the outbreak???
Simon Jester said…
What they don't get is that it's the little sticker on each piece of produce thats the culprit.
Anonymous said…
Well, yeah, I was fired up - so fired up I went out and bought a ton of tomatoes (ok, not literally) and made a honkin' big batch of gazpacho....and yum yum what great eating. woohoo.
Shieldmaiden96 said…
I did hear something about serrano peppers this morning, though serrano peppers kindle a fire in the bunghole anyway so I don't know how they can tell.

Popular posts from this blog

And The Winner Is...

I have some very exciting news. For the first time ever the Blog of Bex is giving out an award . Yes, I know. I can feel my heart pounding, too. I will call it the Bite My Ass Award (BMAA) and I'm sure it will be coveted. Now you might be wondering just who will be the lucky recipient. Could it be Diesel, the mastermind of Humor-Blogs and Mattress Police , who - for reasons unknown to me - revamped the scoring system and and reset my score to zero? Nope. This action has actually mysteriously seemed to work in my favor. I'm sure it's temporary. ANYWAY, on to the big news. I hereby give my BMAA to this guy: Handsome little fucker, isn't he? His name is James Jackson, IV and his friends call him Jay. I like to call him Fucktard because I believe that your name should say something about the kind of guy you are. And he's a total fucktard. What, you may wonder, did he do to generate such ire from me? Well I'm so glad you asked. He owns two boutiques in suburban At...

Pervy McPervert strikes again!

When I was a kid I used to make the occasional prank call. But then I turned 13 and decided that it was a fairly retarded way to spend ones time. I've also received a few "heavy breathing" calls in my day. My mom finally bought us a whistle and said that whenever "he" called that we were to blow the whistle as loud as we could into the phone. That worked although I do wish she had specified that before blowing the whistle I should take the receiver away from my head as my ear made this weird ringing noise for days afterward. But it got rid of the pervert. It's a new day, however, and perverts must be looking for new ways to annoy us. Twice today someone has texted a picture to me. I have no idea who he is or what the hell he wants. But he must think that I don't know that sometimes shirtless men squeeze their arms against their chest to give the appearance that they actually have biceps when, in fact, their arms really look like toothpicks that are broke...

Protesting at Funerals: A Look at the Deranged and Demented

I normally like to write about funny things. (At least they are things that I find funny.) They are usually attempts to be funny in a ha-ha kind of way, although sometimes I will throw in something that's funny in a weird way, just to shake things up. But what I want to write about now isn't funny at all. It is shocking and horrific. There was a girl from my home town who was murdered at Auburn University last week. Her name was Lauren Burk and she was 18. She went to our local high school and although I didn't know her many of my friends children did. She's being buried today. Her family is, naturally, heartbroken. It was a random, tragic and violent attack. That's really bad enough. My husband drove by the funeral home yesterday and noticed that there was a small army of Harley Davidson riders holding American flags. They appeared to be guarding the memorial service. It turns out that they were asked to be there to protect the family because a group called the We...