Skip to main content

Oh, Mylanta!


My mom called a few minutes ago. In the time it took me to turn around, answer the phone and return to the kitchen my two year old GOAT had gotten into my purse, removed the Mylanta and had eaten x number of pills. So I scraped out his mouth, rinsed it with water and called 911/Poison Control. They had good news - he could have eaten about a ton of this stuff and maybe just had a stomach ache or something. So no tummy pumps today. (And there was much rejoicing in the land...)

It kind of pissed me off that there is no child-proof lock yet the bottle heeds the warning, "Keep out of reach of children! IN CASE OF OVERDOSE CONTACT POISON CONTROL IMMEDIATELY."

In these litigious times WHY would a company not put their drugs in a child-proof container? Even medicine that is designed for children has some sort of mechanism to keep these little rascals out. I'm totally all up-in-arms, ready to kick some ass about it.

But then I've come to the realization that if I pursue this at all I'm very likely to hear the response, "Yes, it's true we could spend millions of dollars reformatting the bottle our medicine comes in. Or you could try watching your kid for a change. I'm just sayin'...." Pharmaceutical bastards, think they're so smart. Smarty McFarty Faces.

The irony is that although I'm Officially Pissed at the company, I am now in dire need of their product because worrying about my child overdosing on medicine almost always gives me heartburn. And that, Folks, is way more ironic than a black fly in my chardonnay.

Humor-blogs, take me away!
Labels:

Comments

Shieldmaiden96 said…
Ultimate strength, eh? Really? ULTIMATE? Like, if you need anything stronger than that you are that guy from Heroes who can boil water with his hands? Sheesh. That there's some heartburn.
3:32 PM
Alice said…
LOL - I've called Poison Control no less than 5 times on my GirlChild. I usually start off with the line - "This is probably the most disgusting thing you ever heard..."
4:41 PM
Bee said…
Now that I look at my huge bottle of generic Tums, it doesn't have a childproof thing either! Weird. I'd never noticed that before.

You should totally sue their asses. Also tell them they are neglectful for making them look like yummy Smarties.
4:42 PM
Bex said…
Shield Maiden - Are you MOCKING my intestinal track?! Yes, it's Ultimate Strength. And I'm worth it, damnit!

Alice - Dude. My most embarrassing 911/Poison Control was when Thing Two ate bird shit. They were like, "She ate WHAT??! Gross...." Gross indeed.

Bee - It's like they WANT it to happen. Bastards.
10:23 PM
kcar said…
Okay - forget the child, gotta worry about hubby. Yes, hubby. Forgot about his "calcium" caused Kidney Stones and downed some of the wonderful Tums with (yes, you guessed it) Calcium. After a week of pain and pee'ing out a few pieces of rock candy, um - hello babe - I'd opt for the stomach ache. Do they have a "idiot husband" proof cap? That's what I need!
11:11 PM
Alice said…
OMG - I had to call for cat shit. The cat had gone on our kitchen floor under the table when GirlChild was still little and crawling. I didn't see the poop until she put some in her mouth. ARGHHHH....I wanted to bleach her mouth out. The guy said he got a lot of calls like that which didn't really placate me much.
8:12 AM
Anonymous said…
It's like raaaaaeeeeaaaiiiiiiinnnnn, on your wedding day...
9:46 AM
Anonymous said…
As an adult, I occasionally have problems with a child-proof lids and it is always the kid next door that comes through for me and gets it open.

Conclusion: Only kids can dependably open child-proof containers.
10:01 AM
Bex said…
Kcar - Welcome back, Amiga! See you at the pool!

Alice - You win! Cat shit is officially, IMHO, grosser than bird shit. Although I guess at this point it's just a matter of degrees of nastiness. Because - let's face it - the consumption of the fecal matter of any animal is pretty damn gross.

Jeffrey - It's the free riiiiiddde...when you've already paaaiiidddd......

Daniel - Exactly!
2:08 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

And The Winner Is...

I have some very exciting news. For the first time ever the Blog of Bex is giving out an award . Yes, I know. I can feel my heart pounding, too. I will call it the Bite My Ass Award (BMAA) and I'm sure it will be coveted. Now you might be wondering just who will be the lucky recipient. Could it be Diesel, the mastermind of Humor-Blogs and Mattress Police , who - for reasons unknown to me - revamped the scoring system and and reset my score to zero? Nope. This action has actually mysteriously seemed to work in my favor. I'm sure it's temporary. ANYWAY, on to the big news. I hereby give my BMAA to this guy: Handsome little fucker, isn't he? His name is James Jackson, IV and his friends call him Jay. I like to call him Fucktard because I believe that your name should say something about the kind of guy you are. And he's a total fucktard. What, you may wonder, did he do to generate such ire from me? Well I'm so glad you asked. He owns two boutiques in suburban At...
23 comments
Read more

Pervy McPervert strikes again!

When I was a kid I used to make the occasional prank call. But then I turned 13 and decided that it was a fairly retarded way to spend ones time. I've also received a few "heavy breathing" calls in my day. My mom finally bought us a whistle and said that whenever "he" called that we were to blow the whistle as loud as we could into the phone. That worked although I do wish she had specified that before blowing the whistle I should take the receiver away from my head as my ear made this weird ringing noise for days afterward. But it got rid of the pervert. It's a new day, however, and perverts must be looking for new ways to annoy us. Twice today someone has texted a picture to me. I have no idea who he is or what the hell he wants. But he must think that I don't know that sometimes shirtless men squeeze their arms against their chest to give the appearance that they actually have biceps when, in fact, their arms really look like toothpicks that are broke...
23 comments
Read more

Protesting at Funerals: A Look at the Deranged and Demented

I normally like to write about funny things. (At least they are things that I find funny.) They are usually attempts to be funny in a ha-ha kind of way, although sometimes I will throw in something that's funny in a weird way, just to shake things up. But what I want to write about now isn't funny at all. It is shocking and horrific. There was a girl from my home town who was murdered at Auburn University last week. Her name was Lauren Burk and she was 18. She went to our local high school and although I didn't know her many of my friends children did. She's being buried today. Her family is, naturally, heartbroken. It was a random, tragic and violent attack. That's really bad enough. My husband drove by the funeral home yesterday and noticed that there was a small army of Harley Davidson riders holding American flags. They appeared to be guarding the memorial service. It turns out that they were asked to be there to protect the family because a group called the We...
17 comments
Read more