Oh, Mylanta!

My mom called a few minutes ago. In the time it took me to turn around, answer the phone and return to the kitchen my two year old GOAT had gotten into my purse, removed the Mylanta and had eaten x number of pills. So I scraped out his mouth, rinsed it with water and called 911/Poison Control. They had good news - he could have eaten about a ton of this stuff and maybe just had a stomach ache or something. So no tummy pumps today. (And there was much rejoicing in the land...)

It kind of pissed me off that there is no child-proof lock yet the bottle heeds the warning, "Keep out of reach of children! IN CASE OF OVERDOSE CONTACT POISON CONTROL IMMEDIATELY."

In these litigious times WHY would a company not put their drugs in a child-proof container? Even medicine that is designed for children has some sort of mechanism to keep these little rascals out. I'm totally all up-in-arms, ready to kick some ass about it.

But then I've come to the realization that if I pursue this at all I'm very likely to hear the response, "Yes, it's true we could spend millions of dollars reformatting the bottle our medicine comes in. Or you could try watching your kid for a change. I'm just sayin'...." Pharmaceutical bastards, think they're so smart. Smarty McFarty Faces.

The irony is that although I'm Officially Pissed at the company, I am now in dire need of their product because worrying about my child overdosing on medicine almost always gives me heartburn. And that, Folks, is way more ironic than a black fly in my chardonnay.

Humor-blogs, take me away!


Shieldmaiden96 said…
Ultimate strength, eh? Really? ULTIMATE? Like, if you need anything stronger than that you are that guy from Heroes who can boil water with his hands? Sheesh. That there's some heartburn.
Alice said…
LOL - I've called Poison Control no less than 5 times on my GirlChild. I usually start off with the line - "This is probably the most disgusting thing you ever heard..."
Bee said…
Now that I look at my huge bottle of generic Tums, it doesn't have a childproof thing either! Weird. I'd never noticed that before.

You should totally sue their asses. Also tell them they are neglectful for making them look like yummy Smarties.
Bex said…
Shield Maiden - Are you MOCKING my intestinal track?! Yes, it's Ultimate Strength. And I'm worth it, damnit!

Alice - Dude. My most embarrassing 911/Poison Control was when Thing Two ate bird shit. They were like, "She ate WHAT??! Gross...." Gross indeed.

Bee - It's like they WANT it to happen. Bastards.
kcar said…
Okay - forget the child, gotta worry about hubby. Yes, hubby. Forgot about his "calcium" caused Kidney Stones and downed some of the wonderful Tums with (yes, you guessed it) Calcium. After a week of pain and pee'ing out a few pieces of rock candy, um - hello babe - I'd opt for the stomach ache. Do they have a "idiot husband" proof cap? That's what I need!
Alice said…
OMG - I had to call for cat shit. The cat had gone on our kitchen floor under the table when GirlChild was still little and crawling. I didn't see the poop until she put some in her mouth. ARGHHHH....I wanted to bleach her mouth out. The guy said he got a lot of calls like that which didn't really placate me much.
Jeffrey Ellis said…
It's like raaaaaeeeeaaaiiiiiiinnnnn, on your wedding day...
Daniel said…
As an adult, I occasionally have problems with a child-proof lids and it is always the kid next door that comes through for me and gets it open.

Conclusion: Only kids can dependably open child-proof containers.
Bex said…
Kcar - Welcome back, Amiga! See you at the pool!

Alice - You win! Cat shit is officially, IMHO, grosser than bird shit. Although I guess at this point it's just a matter of degrees of nastiness. Because - let's face it - the consumption of the fecal matter of any animal is pretty damn gross.

Jeffrey - It's the free riiiiiddde...when you've already paaaiiidddd......

Daniel - Exactly!

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