Cling on THIS.

My house has four bedrooms with three and half baths. We are in the process of finishing our basement which will add another bedroom and bath to our total. This is background information for the story that I'm getting ready to tell you (in case you wondering - you know you were).

ANYWAY. Two months ago I scrubbed the master toilet and was opening a package of Lysol Cling to keep our pot smelling good (or at least, not bad). I flushed the toilet and pulled the Cling package open just in time for the plastic round thing to fall into the toilet and get sucked down the tube.



See that blue and white circle? It's design is PERFECT. Perfect to COMPLETELY cork up a fucking toilet. So I made sure that I had my protective Haz-Mat suit and gloves on and went sticking my arm down the toilet in search of the circle of stupidity. No luck so I decided to wait until my husband got home from work. Because everyone knows that husbands LOVE it when they come home from work and are immediately bombarded by a pissed off wife who accidentally clogged up the toilet with a cleaning product.

When I took him (dragged him) upstairs to look at the issue we noticed simultaneously that one of our kids had taken a stealth dump into the toilet bowl and left a mound of toilet paper. Based on knowledge I've already explained here I knew in an instant that Thing One had crapped in our clogged toilet. How fabulous.

My husband decided that we should wait until the plumber had to come and install our basement toilet before we get ours fixed. Because the guy would be here anyway, it'd be cheaper, yadda yadda yadda. So I've been sneaking into my kids toilet for my midnight toileting needs.

Last week my kids' toilet went on the fritz. So now there were four of us creeping around looking for a place to urinate in the middle of the night. The only other toilet upstairs is in our guest room which is currently housing two Russian women (a long story). That left the powder room downstairs. UNTIL my two year old was playing with the door and somehow managed to lock and close it, effectively locking us all out of the only other available can in the house. We were moments away from becoming our own version of the Lord of the Flies. Empty coffee cans were stared at with longing expressions. Nobody ate bran muffins anymore. We were each picking out our favorite bush and/or tree in the backyard. Mass pandemonium.

So I made an executive decision that I'm going to say FUCK IT and hire a plumber to come and heal my broken home. My hubs BFF is a builder and is the one who recommends most of the workers who come into our home so I called him up and gave him my mayday speech. He sent a guy over here today who fixed everything BUT our toilet. He said that the Lysol Circle of Death had hermetically sealed itself inside our pipe and that we had to buy a new toilet. All of this for a three dollar cleaning supply.

The plumber went to get a toilet and our builder friend called and started telling me that I should wait on ordering it and that I should get a really high quality can. He said that we can get one high off of the ground (we're both tall). He also suggested that my husband might appreciate something with some serious sucking power. Unless new fangled toilets provide services beyond the scope of their predecessors I think he's overestimated my husbands "needs".

I told him that my husband will just consider himself lucky that shitting in the backyard is no longer on the plate of possibilities and he'll take the shorter, less violent whoosh version that is available today. Not tomorrow, TODAY.

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Comments

Alice said…
Don't they have those snakes anymore? Roto-rooter? I was going to bet you $50 I could unclog your toilet, but after your child crapped on top of it, I'll take that bet back. Good luck with the new Master Flusher 2000.
leigh said…
i'm wondering if you tried to plunge it when it first got sucked down whether that would have worked?
Jeffrey Ellis said…
LOL, stories related to poop are the bestest.
Jonny's Mommy said…
That is a seriously gross and hilarious story.

So hope you can poop and pee in a normal toilet soon.

We recently got a new toilet -- supposed to save energy. No one told us that means you have to flush three times to get anything down. Save energy my butt.
Bex said…
Alice - You are a day late and dollar short (whatever the fuck that means). That's the first thing the guy did. He got it wedged down there and it started splashing "water" all over the place. We're gonna napalm the bathroom with Clorox.

Leigh - Well, my husband suggested that. But I told him I thought that if we plunged it it might further wedge the thing in there. Then he said that his plan was to stick the plunger in there, already pushed down to provide a suction to pull the thing OUT. It sounded an awful lot to me like something where he would hatch a hair brained scheme, I'd try to talk him out of it and he'd give me the, "Oh, you silly little woman. This is MANS work. Why don't you go and cook something while I do this manly job?" And then I'd hear him in there cursing and sweating.

Jeffrey - You know I'm sucka for them, too. One time I saw an HBO special of Dane Cook and he talked about how whenever he goes into a public men's restroom there is always one stall with a door that's off of its' hinges. He wondered who that guy is. You know, the one who comes running into the bathroom screaming, "Look out! I've gotta take a crap!" And then he kicks the door off the hinges. Anyway, it was so funny that I almost peed in my pants. Almost.

Jonny's Mommy - That sucks (get it??). Our new one is supposed to conserve water as well and that is an issue that crossed my mind. I'm guessing that going from being a one flush kind of person to a three or four flusher isn't easy. I would have settled for a hole in the floor so I'm delighted with my new setup. I was SO happy when I woke up at 3 to pee and I didn't have far to go.

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