I'm not a Gynecologist (but I'll take a look)

I have a funny gynecologist. This wasn't necessarily an attribute I was initially looking for but, now that I've had time to reflect on it, if you are going to be between my legs doing things that don't feel good then you need to be at least funny.

I had my dreaded annual exam this morning. This is something that I loathe and just seeing the metal clamps makes me cringe. And when I cringe, my muscles constrict. And when my muscles constrict it is extremely difficult to put the clamps ANYWHERE. I think I should probably give up my kegel exercises. Ahem. So basically what I'm telling you is that my doctor had to fight for entry. And I was busy negotiating with my knees as they were involuntarily snapping shut, therefore making his job even more difficult. It was a busy morning for all involved.

At any rate, when he was done with his "business" he tugged on the clamp and it didn't budge. He put his hand on the sheet (so he could see my face) and said, "Hey, Bex, can I have my clamp back please? You're going to look funny walking out of here with it crammed up your hoo-hah. It'll be like a gynecological maracas!"

Like I said...he's pretty funny. For a gyno. With clamps. I should get him a spot on humor-blogs!

Is it weird that I totally want this T-shirt??


Shieldmaiden96 said…
I broke one o' those once. It was a disposable plastic one. The doctor said "If you keep breaking our sh*t we won't let you come back here." That was pretty funny.
Also, my muscles are astounding.
Alice said…
He sounds great! I really like mine too - mainly because she gets the job done in about 10 seconds. Go on...get the shirt!
leigh said…
my husband wants that shirt.

Jonny's Mommy said…
Shieldmaiden: Being that you're married to my brother, I totally did not want to know that last part.


I also get nervous, but I have a midwife and over my head are these little birdies on a mobile thing so I just stare at the birdies and try not to think about what is going on...much like my sex life.
Shieldmaiden96 said…
Oh, and ditto on the 'didn't want to know', Sister Woman!'

PS If yr trying not to think about it, yr doin' it wrong. Save a horse, ride a cowboy, baby!
Jinksy said…
I wonder how many guys get into gynecology in hopes of seeing vaginas all day?

"So Bob, what do you do for a living?"
"I deal with vaginas all day."
"So, how's life as a gynecologist?"
"No, actually, you misunderstood me. I work at a strip club."

Not many other career options there.
Meg said…
My gyno is also a magician--of the pull the rabbit out of the hat variety. No wonder the babies came out so smoothly.

Anyway, if you've recovered, hop by and check out my latest post. I've joined "Bloggers Unite for Human Rights."

But I don't have any cool t-shirt shots.
Bex said…
Shieldmaiden - Why would someone need a disposable plastic vaginal clamp?? Ehhh...nevermind. I probably don't want to know. I've always believed that everyone has got to be really good at something. A super-human-strength vagina is your calling, my friend!

Alice - I used to have a female and loved it/her as she had tiny hands. Plus, they know how it feels and are therefore more sensitive.

Leigh - I want that shirt! Why? I dunno.

Jonny's Mommy - Yuck. I wouldn't want to know either. It's like finding out that someone has a skin tag on their ass. Well...I guess it's not EXACTLY like that...OK, maybe it's nothing like that at all. Besides, having a strong one is better than having a weak one (I would think).

Jinksy - A lot, I bet. They never think about the gross cooters they'll come across. I prepare for the gyno much like I do for the all important Third Date - I shave everything and am powdered and perfumed from head to toe. I once made a comment about it to the nurse and she said that if only everyone would do that. Apparently some women are total skanks and go for their pap smears with dirty hoochies and whatnot. Yuck-O.

Hey, Meg. I'll check you out in a minute. Having a gynecologist who is also is a magician is only slightly better than having one who is also a mime. If you hear him say, "Look at me - no hands!" then I would pay attention if I were you!!
Memarie Lane said…
He sounds kind of like my dentist, but no matter how funny a dentist is, it's just not possible to laugh.
Daniel said…
Being a man, I can only compare this to the periodic prostate exam in terms of discomfort and the absolute need for preparation.

All that notwithstanding, I absolutely love the title (and the t-shirt, of course). Thanks for the laughs
Shieldmaiden96 said…
Back before I had things like health insurance and a 401k I used to go to a clinic. I guess they use the cheap tools. I also had a tough time explaining why I DIDN'T need the fistful of free multicolored condoms they offered me on the way out. I guess they don't see a lot of 23 year old women who don't have sex on purpose because they aren't married. They probably talked about that one all day.
Bex said…
Memarie - I hate that about the dentist. Mine always asks me a detailed question and then smiles thoughtfully as I drool down my chin and moan at him. It's pretty hot.

Daniel - I'm pretty sure the prostate exam counts. The one that cracks me up is the "please turn your head and cough" routine. I wonder who the first guy was who figured out the correlation of coughing and balls jumping up. He'd keep trying to get his wife to feel it, "Honey, seriously, this is WAY cool. Just put your hands on my balls for a second...it's amazing!"

Shieldmaiden - Huh. Well, at least they weren't super cold as they were plastic and all. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder why they don't make them out of the same stuff they make dildo's with. You know, that hard rubber/plastic stuff? Then at least it wouldn't be so frigging cold.

Now I'm wondering about the guy who makes these. "What do you do for a living, Bob?"

"Me? Oh, I make metal vaginal clamps. I'm a pretty big deal..."
Harmony said…
HA! New to the blog...and loved this post. I wish my doctor had a better sense of humor...when I am in uncomfortable situations I tend to have diarrhea of the mouth...talkind about whatever happens to come to mind, I think it confuses my doctor...or he is just trying to figure out whether or not to get me a psych consult!
First time here. Loved it. By the way Daniel...what is the correlation between turning your head and the goodies bag?
UpsizeThis said…
Weird?... Unusual? Yes. Strange? Definitely. Understandable? It's possible. But weird? Nah!
mickymayor said…
There are several types of procedures and surgeries that a gynecologist can perform to correct and treat disorders pertaining to the female reproductive system. Gynecologist Boca Raton

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