I have a funny gynecologist. This wasn't necessarily an attribute I was initially looking for but, now that I've had time to reflect on it, if you are going to be between my legs doing things that don't feel good then you need to be at least funny.
I had my dreaded annual exam this morning. This is something that I loathe and just seeing the metal clamps makes me cringe. And when I cringe, my muscles constrict. And when my muscles constrict it is extremely difficult to put the clamps ANYWHERE. I think I should probably give up my kegel exercises. Ahem. So basically what I'm telling you is that my doctor had to fight for entry. And I was busy negotiating with my knees as they were involuntarily snapping shut, therefore making his job even more difficult. It was a busy morning for all involved.
At any rate, when he was done with his "business" he tugged on the clamp and it didn't budge. He put his hand on the sheet (so he could see my face) and said, "Hey, Bex, can I have my clamp back please? You're going to look funny walking out of here with it crammed up your hoo-hah. It'll be like a gynecological maracas!"
Like I said...he's pretty funny. For a gyno. With clamps. I should get him a spot on humor-blogs!
Is it weird that I totally want this T-shirt??
I had my dreaded annual exam this morning. This is something that I loathe and just seeing the metal clamps makes me cringe. And when I cringe, my muscles constrict. And when my muscles constrict it is extremely difficult to put the clamps ANYWHERE. I think I should probably give up my kegel exercises. Ahem. So basically what I'm telling you is that my doctor had to fight for entry. And I was busy negotiating with my knees as they were involuntarily snapping shut, therefore making his job even more difficult. It was a busy morning for all involved.
At any rate, when he was done with his "business" he tugged on the clamp and it didn't budge. He put his hand on the sheet (so he could see my face) and said, "Hey, Bex, can I have my clamp back please? You're going to look funny walking out of here with it crammed up your hoo-hah. It'll be like a gynecological maracas!"
Like I said...he's pretty funny. For a gyno. With clamps. I should get him a spot on humor-blogs!
Is it weird that I totally want this T-shirt??
Comments
Also, my muscles are astounding.
Apparently.
men.
Bex:
I also get nervous, but I have a midwife and over my head are these little birdies on a mobile thing so I just stare at the birdies and try not to think about what is going on...much like my sex life.
PS If yr trying not to think about it, yr doin' it wrong. Save a horse, ride a cowboy, baby!
"So Bob, what do you do for a living?"
"I deal with vaginas all day."
"So, how's life as a gynecologist?"
"No, actually, you misunderstood me. I work at a strip club."
Not many other career options there.
Anyway, if you've recovered, hop by and check out my latest post. I've joined "Bloggers Unite for Human Rights."
But I don't have any cool t-shirt shots.
Alice - I used to have a female and loved it/her as she had tiny hands. Plus, they know how it feels and are therefore more sensitive.
Leigh - I want that shirt! Why? I dunno.
Jonny's Mommy - Yuck. I wouldn't want to know either. It's like finding out that someone has a skin tag on their ass. Well...I guess it's not EXACTLY like that...OK, maybe it's nothing like that at all. Besides, having a strong one is better than having a weak one (I would think).
Jinksy - A lot, I bet. They never think about the gross cooters they'll come across. I prepare for the gyno much like I do for the all important Third Date - I shave everything and am powdered and perfumed from head to toe. I once made a comment about it to the nurse and she said that if only everyone would do that. Apparently some women are total skanks and go for their pap smears with dirty hoochies and whatnot. Yuck-O.
Hey, Meg. I'll check you out in a minute. Having a gynecologist who is also is a magician is only slightly better than having one who is also a mime. If you hear him say, "Look at me - no hands!" then I would pay attention if I were you!!
All that notwithstanding, I absolutely love the title (and the t-shirt, of course). Thanks for the laughs
Daniel - I'm pretty sure the prostate exam counts. The one that cracks me up is the "please turn your head and cough" routine. I wonder who the first guy was who figured out the correlation of coughing and balls jumping up. He'd keep trying to get his wife to feel it, "Honey, seriously, this is WAY cool. Just put your hands on my balls for a second...it's amazing!"
Shieldmaiden - Huh. Well, at least they weren't super cold as they were plastic and all. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder why they don't make them out of the same stuff they make dildo's with. You know, that hard rubber/plastic stuff? Then at least it wouldn't be so frigging cold.
Now I'm wondering about the guy who makes these. "What do you do for a living, Bob?"
"Me? Oh, I make metal vaginal clamps. I'm a pretty big deal..."