I Hate Yellow Foam

Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I have a leather sofa. The bad news is that my dog, Honey, just puked on it. First of all, she isn't even allowed on the furniture (a rule invented to avoid just exactly this kind of catastrophe). Second of all, she puked between the seats instead of on a cushion like a good girl. So of course this means that the day that I clean out under the sofa cushions is, in fact, today (instead of "one of these days").

It was yellow and foamy with speckles in a variety of sizes and colors. I found myself talking to her as I was cleaning,

"Really? Honey? You threw up, huh? Gee...that's too bad. What do you suppose caused this? Could it have been when you ate the fecal matter of another dog in our front yard this morning? Do you remember that I told you specifically NOT to eat that? Or maybe it was the Barbie doll you harfed down last night as my six year old daughter chased you, screaming and crying. OH! I know...it must have been when you chowed down on the contents of the babies diaper yesterday! I'm no expert, but just witnessing that made me feel kind of squishy....

You just don't deserve this, poor baby. Of course, I was worried when I saw that you had found a bottle of Windex and managed to drain that, but that was a few days ago and surely would have impacted you sooner. Hmmm. I just can't imagine why you are puking. I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe you should consider that you are not a fucking GOAT and should try NOT eating anything and everything light enough for you to drag away. Perhaps, just until you feel better, you should try eating only what is in your dog food bowl BOUGHT SPECIFICALLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF FEEDING YOU. So no more shopping for morsels in the yard or the garbage can, OK?"

There is something, though, that I just don't understand. When I found her she had already honked it all up and was in the process of - yes, you guessed it - eating her own vomit. Why do dogs do this? Why don't they have the general comprehension that if it was so bad your stomach kicked it out in the first place that reconsuming it could only lead to trouble. I don't throw up often but when I do I try to avoid re-eating it. I guess I'm pretty dependable that way. Oops! I'm bragging...sorry about that...

Florida: The Good. The Bad. The Holy SHIT!!!

So you know...I live in Florida now. The good news is that my southern accent is stronger than ever - I think it was some sort of defense mechanism...of or for what, I have no idea. I definitely miss Atlanta and my friends, though, especially now. Spring in Atlanta is SO beautiful. But Florida is pretty nice, too. We go to the beach at least once a week and we all love having a pool in the backyard. Also, my husband makes me a Planter's Punch every night and I don't even feel guilty by knocking it back - we're on vacation, right?? A couple of weeks ago I was reading the news and saw this weird picture: In case your eyes can't make sense of it, I'll give you a hint. It's not a puppy. I'm guessing it's not an air freshener, either. It is, in fact, a Burmese Python that ruptured and now has a really big dead Alligator sticking out of it's stomach. Oh, and something ate the snakes head off. That's why there is no head there. National Geographic has

Oooohhh...I just LOVE when you wrap it around me... do it again, please?

I had heard that "crack" kills. I just never really believed it until I saw it with my own eyes. (Bless his heart.) About 3 years ago I was 6 months pregnant and had two daughters (aged 4 and 5). We were all traveling from Bellingham, WA to Atlanta, GA with a VERY brief layover in Dallas. We were booked on a major airline that should remain anonymous as they are a bunch of asshats (but they rhyme with "Mamerican Mairlines") and we had to leave for the airport at 3:30 AM in order to catch our 7AM flight. It was Suck City. By the time our car arrived in Seattle my husband and I were barely speaking to each other and the girls had marks on their faces and arms from the backseat smack-down they had while out of our reach. When I went to the counter to speak with the representative she informed me that even though our seats had been purchased many months ago and seat assignments had been given all of that had changed and we were no longer sitting together as a family. I

Pervy McPervert strikes again!

When I was a kid I used to make the occasional prank call. But then I turned 13 and decided that it was a fairly retarded way to spend ones time. I've also received a few "heavy breathing" calls in my day. My mom finally bought us a whistle and said that whenever "he" called that we were to blow the whistle as loud as we could into the phone. That worked although I do wish she had specified that before blowing the whistle I should take the receiver away from my head as my ear made this weird ringing noise for days afterward. But it got rid of the pervert. It's a new day, however, and perverts must be looking for new ways to annoy us. Twice today someone has texted a picture to me. I have no idea who he is or what the hell he wants. But he must think that I don't know that sometimes shirtless men squeeze their arms against their chest to give the appearance that they actually have biceps when, in fact, their arms really look like toothpicks that are broke

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