First impressions are important, yo.

My two oldest kids are in elementary school, which - in the fine state of Georgia - started last week. My middle kid, Thing Two, was a bit dismayed early on when she was given homework by her teacher. It consisted of a bag and a note stapled to it that said:

What's Your Bag??

Attached to this letter is a lunch bag. Please fill the bag with three to five items or pictures that tell about you. Bring the bag back to share during the first week of school. Here are some ideas:

• something in your favorite color
• the wrapper from your favorite snack
• the best book you have ever read
• something you collect
• something that tells about your hobbies
• a picture of your family

I asked her if she wanted any help and she said, "Nope! I've got it covered, Mommy...I know exactly what to do!!"

And then I thought nothing else about it. After all, sticking 3-5 things that say something about you in a brown paper bag is a piece of cake, right? Today I noticed that she had brought it home with a teachers "check" mark on it. Curious to know how she would introduce herself to her teacher and classmates, I opened it up to find this:



Let's review the contents, shall we?

1. A spool of green thread clearly stolen from somewhere as I do not sew.
   
2. A ballerina with club feet from her jewelry chest.
3. A broken pencil.
4. A fake gold coin.
   
5. Mommy's St. Patricks Day garter.
   

Can I get a what the fuck?! I'm thinking that the first parent-teacher conference is going to be awkward. And obviously, I will be wearing the garter.