Party Chit Chat
I met a very interesting woman today. We were at a luncheon and were seated across from one another at a long table. She introduced herself to me and we began chatting. Suddenly, things got weird:
Parties are kind of overrated.
Her: This egg salad sandwich is YUMMY.
Me: Mine, too! There must be relish in here....
Her: Speaking of eggs, I have endometriosis.
Me: Oh man, that sucks. I have a couple of girlfriends who have it, too. (the men at the table are now slowly scooting their chairs away from us while I bat my eyes at them, silently imploring "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE BY MYSELF!")
Her: It's VERY painful. I had cysts on my uterus AND cervix. I also have boils taken out from time-to-time. It really sucks.
Me: Ummm...yah, I'd imagine. Oh! Not to change the subject or anything, but did you SEE the cake over there!!! Wow!!
Her: I like cake. It reminds me of my ovaries.
Me: ......eh.... So...I hate to change the subject again, but I'm dying to know: what do you do for a living??
Her: I'm a Matron.
Me: Is that like a Patron, but a chick?
Her: No, that's like a Matron. As in a Prison Matron.
Me: [some unintelligible noise leaves the bottom of my throat as I look at her with curious horror, knowing that I'll never be able to stop her from telling further horrible truths about her life.]
Her: Yep, I do full body cavity searches on female prisoners for a living.
Me: Cavity searches...that means that... [and then silence as I automatically begin imagining the women I've seen on the TV show 'Cops' naked with their cavities exposed. Suddenly the egg sandwich was slowly rising in my throat, inexplicably trying to return to my mouth.]