Skip to main content

Florida: The Good. The Bad. The Holy SHIT!!!

So you know...I live in Florida now. The good news is that my southern accent is stronger than ever - I think it was some sort of defense mechanism...of or for what, I have no idea. I definitely miss Atlanta and my friends, though, especially now. Spring in Atlanta is SO beautiful.

But Florida is pretty nice, too. We go to the beach at least once a week and we all love having a pool in the backyard. Also, my husband makes me a Planter's Punch every night and I don't even feel guilty by knocking it back - we're on vacation, right??

A couple of weeks ago I was reading the news and saw this weird picture:



In case your eyes can't make sense of it, I'll give you a hint. It's not a puppy. I'm guessing it's not an air freshener, either. It is, in fact, a Burmese Python that ruptured and now has a really big dead Alligator sticking out of it's stomach. Oh, and something ate the snakes head off. That's why there is no head there.

National Geographic has been studying this and has even done an "event recreation" that they aren't sharing with me (bitches). But according to their website, here is how the above train wreck happened: a 13 foot python ate a 6 foot alligator. While the snake was busy ingesting his meal (I'm guessing getting a 6 foot INTACT gator through your digestive tract would be very distracting) another alligator sneaked up and bit the snakes head off. In that struggle the python surprised everybody by rupturing in the middle, leaving half of the eaten gator hanging out. And this, boys and girls, is why we don't wrestle after Thanksgiving dinner.

At any rate, I'm pretty sure that my mouth doesn't open wide enough to let out the scream that would surely accompany anything even resembling the above scene.

So it's not all Key Lime Pie and Hibiscus flowers. But it's sunny. And besides...I've got my rum punch and I'm not afraid to use it.

Comments

April said…
I can't...just... words...none
Bex said…
That's kind of what I was thinking. Right now we live near the Everglades. If I ever see one of those I can promise you that I'll never EVER be the same again. A fully grown python can reach 23 feet long. Just the thought of it makes my hair stand on end!
Anonymous said…
I don't mind snakes, but 23 ft. is a bit much. And snakes and alligators together...oh my!

What I'm thinking is, if the snake had lived to digest the 'gator, that would have been a hell of a deuce he would have dropped!
Anonymous said…
That's oh so appetising.
Anonymous said…
Ew. Eeeww! EEeeeeEEwwwww! I think I have to go lay down for a minute. That is just nasty!

I heard a report on the news recently about the pythons taking over FL. I'm not terrified of snakes or anything, but that would definitely freak me the hell out.

Yay for rum punch!
Jormengrund said…
I'm surprised at you Bex.

I mean, if you'd been thinking, you'd have run your butt over there, and skinned those two critters.

Alligator bag and snakeskin pants..

And you didn't kill a thing, they did it themselves!
Cult Diva said…
Welcome to oh so weird Florida! Just wait, it gets much better ,or worse, depends how you feel about strange places.
Candice said…
What would Bear Grills do?
Meg said…
Yikes! Well, nothing's free, I guess.
Shawn said…
I just watched a show where a cobra ate a python. I guess snakes just have no sense as to what might be too big for them.

Unrelated: Scientists now say there is a significant cobra population in the Everglades.

Soo...welcome to Florida!
Anonymous said…
scary! I heard that's been happening a lot. But at least you have your punch.

Popular posts from this blog

Light a match!

You know, people are getting so touchy these days. I just read this news story about a THIRTEEN year old kid who got arrested. When I saw the headline I thought, "Man, this country is going to hell in a hand basket. What did this criminal mastermind DO, anyway?? Did he steal a car? Get his moms attention by throwing a cleaver at her head? Sexually assault his little sibling??" Noooo.... No, this kid farted in school. And then got arrested. Apparently I went to school with a bunch of felons and didn't even know it. Besides, have you seen what they feed these kids in school lunchrooms?? And "The Man" is going to blame intestinal distress on HIM??! Let's file this under "Give Me A Fucking Break, Please." The teacher said that he was purposefully farting and therefore disrupting the class. Plus? This little fucker turned off a few computers that his friends were working on. I think it would be far more incredible if you could find me a 13 year old who...

My Marvelous Mammaries

At the risk of increasing my "Weird-O" and "Pervy" visitors ( - love you guys), I was thinking about writing about breastfeeding today. Because nobody ever tells you the Real Deal about this stuff. And that's just wrong. So. When I was pregnant with my first kid I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'll probably breastfeed her. I mean, I have the hooters and everything, so why not??" Truth be told, I thought that it would be a very natural and beautiful thing that she and I would both embrace with maternal-bondish delight. So imagine my surprise when it HURT like a MOTHER FUCKER. Every time she would latch on my toes would curl in pain. The lactation consultants were very encouraging in a cheerleader kind of way, "Yes!! That's WONDERFUL! Look at that latch - you're a genius!!!" But I didn't feel like a genius. I felt like a moron who just couldn't get the idea without going to some intensive courses on the matter. And my kid seemed...

Oooohhh...I just LOVE when you wrap it around me... do it again, please?

I had heard that "crack" kills. I just never really believed it until I saw it with my own eyes. (Bless his heart.) About 3 years ago I was 6 months pregnant and had two daughters (aged 4 and 5). We were all traveling from Bellingham, WA to Atlanta, GA with a VERY brief layover in Dallas. We were booked on a major airline that should remain anonymous as they are a bunch of asshats (but they rhyme with "Mamerican Mairlines") and we had to leave for the airport at 3:30 AM in order to catch our 7AM flight. It was Suck City. By the time our car arrived in Seattle my husband and I were barely speaking to each other and the girls had marks on their faces and arms from the backseat smack-down they had while out of our reach. When I went to the counter to speak with the representative she informed me that even though our seats had been purchased many months ago and seat assignments had been given all of that had changed and we were no longer sitting together as a family. I ...