Stewardese, translated for YOU

I used to want to be a Airline Stewardess. But then I thought that maybe that wasn't such a great idea because, at the end of the day, you're just walking around a pressurized tube that sails through the air at 300 miles an hour while hustling cocktails and preparing for a catastrophic crash. All while wearing heels and panty hose. Fuck that.

Plus, I'm pretty sure that I'd find a way to screw up the little speech they give before take off. At the very least I'd struggle with keeping a straight face through some of it. As it is I can't help but translate their Stewardese into Bex Speak:

What the Stews say: "If the airplane cabin were to suddenly lose pressure..."

What I hear: It is possible that, at any given time and with NO real warning, there won't be enough oxygen on this fucker to sustain human life. But don't panic....

Them: " which case the oxygen masks will pop out of the overhead compartment. Please put on your mask before assisting anyone else."

Me: Plan on taking up some of the precious remaining air with a loud scream as something with tentacles just dropped on your head. Of course your ensuing panic is amplified as you were already feeling a little lightheaded (probably an effect of the lack of oxygen). You will be a lot more comfortable on this doomed flight if you allow the kid next to you to pass out from lack of air before you put his mask on.

Them: " not be alarmed when the oxygen mask doesn't inflate with air..."

Me: Let me get this straight...for some reason this plane doesn't have air in it. So I'm supposed to believe that this little plastic mask is somehow designed to allow me to breathe but just "looks" like it's failing. RIGHT. See you on the other side, bitches....

Them: "Everybody! Look at this bright and shiny object! It's called a SEAT BELT and here is how you use it. See this end? You stick it in that end. And then you pull it to make it tighter. So, just to recap, you put this part into this part...."

Me: I have a mental image of the individual for whom this is stated. He approaches the belt with cautious curiosity, initially hitting it with a stick to see if it bites. Of course he'll be making his chimp noises while investigating. Then, when his courage is worked up, he'll begin smacking the two belt ends together over his head while yelling, "Oklahoma! Oklahoma!" There will be drool on his shirt and a big pee stain on his pants because he forgot to shake it...again.

But I think the airlines need to add something to their seat belt spiel. Something like, "If your seat belt doesn't fit around your jelly belly please let one of us know immediately. Because this is an excellent indicator that you do not actually fit and probably are not really contained within the airspace of your seat. This could be construed as offensive to some, as we read about in this scathing post on the Blog of Bex. Apparently she was forced to wear someone else's fat like a parka. At any rate, big boned beauties need to procure two seats or be prepared to be featured in a blog entry."


April said…
I actually flew for the very first time in my life about a year ago and I'm not a small person so I wasn't sure if I was going to need another seat. I was actually having anxiety over being *that* girl with the ass too big spilling over into the seat next to me. Fortunately, for the flight out there, I had the row to myself anyway, though it turns out I didn't need it. As small as airplane seats are, turns out they are big enough for my butt. Phew.
I'm glad I'm not flying anywhere soon. If I were, your post certainly wouldn't have helped. ;)
Bex said…
April - I'm not tiny, either. But I find a way to stay within the confines of the seat. But I'll tell you, every time I fly it feels like the seats got smaller. And the leg room is ridiculous, too. My ass might be getting bigger. But my legs (cruelly) are getting no longer. All that I really have to do to get into crash position is put my chin down.

Unfinished - I'm always amazed when my plane safely lands. It seems so improbable that a pressurized tube, filled with people and fuel, can safely fly through the air to specific destinations.
LOBO said…
This link is for adults only, but it does support Bex's point ... :)
Jormengrund said…
When I was back in a chemistry class, my instructor showed us just how much bunk these stewardesses are telling you.

When you cruise at 30,000 feet, and suddenly lose cabin pressure, the entire space fills with a very dense fog. Not even the nifty gold cap on the end of the bag that drops will shine in this, and you'd be lucky to see your hand if you hit yourself in the face with it!

Then they ask you to breathe normally?

When cabin pressure is lost, the pilot has to decend immediately to a level where breathing can be sustained without mechanical assistance. This means a serious plummet to around 10,000 feet.

Yeah, you're in a tube that you can't see in, trying to get a little mask over your face while your stomach is trying to burst out of your throat, and if you get that bag over your face, you're supposed to breathe like there's NOTHING going on?

Myself, I imagine I'd be breathing like Bill Cosby's wife on his Parenthood comedy sketch!

Great post Bex!
Bex said…
LOBO - That's a "point" all right!

Joremengrund - In that case I strongly suspect that, when everyone regains consciousness, the smell of shit is in the air. Because I KNOW that I would drop a load in MY pants! Oy....
Sorcerer said…
thats a funny post!
Deb said…
Hurtling through the skies a bazillion miles above the surface of the Earth at a gazillion MPH while entrapped in that metal tube with who knows how many murderers, rapists, disease-carrying passengers is just all part of the fun of traveling. The whole In-The-Airport part is just as much fun.

Congrats on your move to FL - nice to see you posting all this good stuff again!

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