Skip to main content

Maxi-Mahem

I think I was 11 when I got my first menstrual cycle. What a strange time in a girls life. My daughters are getting older and that's weird, too, to see their bodies changing and their personalities more developed and complex.

When I was around 12 or so something really horrible happened to me. And every now and again the terrible memory will wash over me, leaving my stomach tied in knots. I feel that I should warn my girls, but I just don't have the words, you know? How can you explain to a young girl just how quickly things can go downhill??

It's very complicated. Yet also simple. Here is what happened. I was invited to go the mall by a girlfriend whose dad was willing to drop us off. My cycle had started that morning so I put on the only protection we had way back then - a maxi-pad that you could land an airplane on. If you wore pants that were too tight with one of these things on you looked as though you had some kind of tail that made squishy diaper noises as you waddled around. As if I didn't feel conspicuous enough. That's probably where those baggy MC Hammer pants came from. Women created them because they didn't want to advertise that they were OTR.

Anyway, my friend and I were walking around at a brisk pace when, without ANY warning at all, my pad somehow flipped upside down. Now...without being TOO crude, this was around 1980. Think back to all of the Playboy pictures from back then. Lots of hair. Lots of it. Nobody was really into coiffing their junk back then. Especially not naive 12 year olds.

And these pads didn't have just any old adhesive tape. No, this was magical tape that seemed to be forever slipping off of my cotton underwear but then could (apparently) hermetically seal itself to pubic hair in no time at all.

As I said, the pad flipped upside down. All I really knew was that I was suddenly, without any warning, in the most excruciating pain of my young life while cruising the epicenter of Junior High (the mall). I began wildly gyrating around, trying to ease the pain yet every move I made created an even bigger tangled mess. Finally, I doubled over (likely giving the appearance of eminent diarrhea) and ran towards the restroom where I could free myself from the wiley tangle.

I stayed in the bathroom for about an hour, convinced that "everyone" saw me. I didn't realize then that I was such a spaz, nobody probably gave it much thought at all.

So now that you know my secret, you can probably also see my dilemma. Had my mother told me that such a travesty was possible, I'd probably never have left my room. I suppose this will be just one more thing that my girls will have to discuss with their shrinks in the years to come. Sigh....

Comments

April said…
ohmygod! That's hilarious!

And the maxi-pads you could land an airplane on? yea, I remember those.

Fortunately for them, our daughters live in the advanced era of thin pads.
Anonymous said…
ZOMG. Good story. Chief thinks you should have called it "Are You There, God? It's Me, Bex."
Anonymous said…
ok, i remember a belt. i'm not imaging this. the pads had little extenders on the ends and you threaded them through this little elastic belt that kept it on. it looked like a padded g-string. as soon as i figured out how to use tampons i never touched these again.

bexie!!! did you have a good new year? have you moved yet? i'm still looking for work.
Jormengrund said…
I recall my mom using those nasty buggers on our dog when she went into heat..

Yeah, the dog hated them too!
Bex said…
April - Thankfully the times have changed. Our girls will probably get to use something size of a postage stamp.

Chief - Thanks. I have to go google ZOMG now, though. All I can think of is Zebra Oh My God and that's probably not it.

Leigh - I never did the belt. I think I missed them by a year or so because I had friends who talked about them in hushed tones. The first time I held a tampon my face flushed to the color of a plum as I read the directions. (I'm supposed to stick this WHERE???!)

And then it took me like an hour the first few times to "get 'er done". But yes, they are MUCH better.

We moved a few weeks ago. It's so frigging beautiful here that it's hard to get pissed off. As you can imagine that is a strange feeling for me.

No job yet, eh? Cocksuckers. Are you on linkedin? My hubs found some really good leads there when he was looking. If you want I'll link with you to expand your circle. Let me know....
Anonymous said…
Doesn't sound pleasant.

I think all adolescence (boys and girls) go through an embarrassing stage.

Most guys will tell you in was at the point when they were walking boners.

I can't nail the age, but it would popup without any reason.

"My penis is hard, and everyone knows. I'm such a perv."


My only suggestion is never growing older. No idea how to achieve it, but my only suggestion none-the-less.
Liz T. said…
Oh lord, you brought back two memories:

1. In high school, my airplane-landing-strip maxi pad detached from my underwear and worked its way up the back of my pants where it hung out above my waistband as I walked down the hall.

2. When my daughter started, I had to tell her where to put the tampon. In explicit detail. Through a closed bathroom door. Call my weak, but there was NO WAY I was going in there to do it for her.

I, too, just missed the belt but I had to use it in the hospital after I had my daughter. The nurse had to show me how it worked.

Good times.
Brad said…
And this concludes Family Reading Hour. Join us next week when we'll discuss tales of horrible acne, and meet with three people who farted during the SATs.

(Bex, thanks for the laugh...)

Popular posts from this blog

Florida: The Good. The Bad. The Holy SHIT!!!

So you know...I live in Florida now. The good news is that my southern accent is stronger than ever - I think it was some sort of defense mechanism...of or for what, I have no idea. I definitely miss Atlanta and my friends, though, especially now. Spring in Atlanta is SO beautiful. But Florida is pretty nice, too. We go to the beach at least once a week and we all love having a pool in the backyard. Also, my husband makes me a Planter's Punch every night and I don't even feel guilty by knocking it back - we're on vacation, right?? A couple of weeks ago I was reading the news and saw this weird picture: In case your eyes can't make sense of it, I'll give you a hint. It's not a puppy. I'm guessing it's not an air freshener, either. It is, in fact, a Burmese Python that ruptured and now has a really big dead Alligator sticking out of it's stomach. Oh, and something ate the snakes head off. That's why there is no head there. National Geographic has

Oooohhh...I just LOVE when you wrap it around me... do it again, please?

I had heard that "crack" kills. I just never really believed it until I saw it with my own eyes. (Bless his heart.) About 3 years ago I was 6 months pregnant and had two daughters (aged 4 and 5). We were all traveling from Bellingham, WA to Atlanta, GA with a VERY brief layover in Dallas. We were booked on a major airline that should remain anonymous as they are a bunch of asshats (but they rhyme with "Mamerican Mairlines") and we had to leave for the airport at 3:30 AM in order to catch our 7AM flight. It was Suck City. By the time our car arrived in Seattle my husband and I were barely speaking to each other and the girls had marks on their faces and arms from the backseat smack-down they had while out of our reach. When I went to the counter to speak with the representative she informed me that even though our seats had been purchased many months ago and seat assignments had been given all of that had changed and we were no longer sitting together as a family. I

The Wild and Wonderful World of Animal Butts

Hello, Boys. How're they hangin'?? Several years ago my dad and I were hiking in California. It was a beautiful afternoon and we were on a mountain trail. We came upon some kind of farm that had a fence around it. Suddenly I saw it - a pig lying down with his "sac" squeezed out behind him. It looked as though someone had stuffed two basketballs under his skin. My first thought was, "Holy crap, pigs can get elephantitis??!" This was quickly followed by thought number two which was, "I would give anything to be sharing this experience with anyone but my father ." So I did what anyone could do in such a situation. I took a picture of the pig balls. I decided that I would put it on the cover of my Christmas cards that year and when the card was opened it would say, "Deck the halls...." I haven't done it yet but I will...yes, I will. You may be wondering why I brought this up. It has to do with baboons and Darwin. At the risk of dramatical